Posted: 03/06/2006

Ultraviolet

(2006)

by Clint Fletcher

It’s funny how people keep talking about last year’s big drought at the movies. This statement seems to correlate with “last year was the worst year ever for movies.” I beg to differ as we are already into the third month of the year and so far I’ve only enjoyed two movies. Ultraviolet wasn’t one of them. Sadly, Ultraviolet is Ultra-Shit.

For anyone that knows me personally, I don’t have to tell you why I chose to see this picture. But for all you strangers out there let me enlighten you. I love action. It doesn’t matter if the plot sucks in a good action movie because people don’t go for story, they go to see shit blown up. I’ll see Steven Seagal rip through tons of black thugs like there’s no tomorrow because I just dig that sort of thing. I’m a guy and I need violence. But the rare action flicks that DO have a good story are the ones that go on to make a gazillion dollars. Ultraviolet will be lucky enough to make the top twenty at the Mexican box office. But nevertheless, the film looked promising from an action/choreography standpoint. God was I wrong. Not only does Ultraviolet tie Hostel for worst movie of the year thus far, but it also just may bury Milla Jovovich’s career once and for all. And this is from the dude that did Equilibrium??? Ultraviolet is a brainless action movie without the action, and that’s its biggest weakness. If you’re going to have a terrible script but kickass action sequences, then you better have a lot of them (which it didn’t) and the movie better be rated R (which it wasn’t). Bloodless violence is pointless violence.

Jovovich stars as Ultraviolet, which apparently was a comic book though some of the geekiest collectors on the planet (my friends) have never heard of it. Hooray for adapting another worthless comic as if Hellboy and Daredevil weren’t enough. Ultraviolet takes place in the future where a blood disease has turned half of the human race into blood-sucking vampires. Leading the pack of vamps is Ultraviolet, who is sent to intercept a package from the baddie humans that holds the key to an object that could possibly wipe out their kind. That object turns out to be the freaky kid from Godsend.

That’s enough about the plot because you won’t really understand it even if you tried. The point is this movie sucks ass with its cheesy script, even cheesier special effects and lets not forget the cheesiest of all- the actors. Apparently the producers couldn’t afford any decent actors after nabbing Jovovich so the rest are filled with terrible European “extras” that will all die by Ultraviolet’s blade eventually. The first ten minutes of the movie ain’t half bad, but then of course the writer has to face something called “plot” at some point or another. Throughout its entire run time, this flick maybe has two decent fights in it. But towards the end, the big fights we’ve been waiting to see turned into major copouts as we only “hear” Ultraviolet slaughtering hundreds of soldiers outside a building. Then during the final showdown between the main characters, what could have been a delicious sword fight turned into a George Lucas-y mess as the opponents shut off the lights and fight in the dark with their swords on fire.

And even THAT could’ve been cool if not for the filmmaker choosing to use close-ups during the fight to completely ruin it ala Attack of the Clones. And worst line of the year goes to the head villain of this movie. Right before fighting Ultraviolet… “Oh, it is SO on.” But you know what’s not on- my brain. I hadn’t had black-outs this bad since watching Paris Hilton in House of Wax (and A Night in Paris too if not for night vision).

In the end I was terribly let down and cried like a little bitch ‘t get my way. I expected much more from Kurt Wimmer, creator of the very underrated Equilibrium. Okay I lied, I expected very little- just a lame Sci-fi plot with some kickass action but they couldn’t even give us that. Hopefully they’ll come out with an R-rated director’s cut on DVD, but don’t get your hopes up. I fear that Ultraviolet is as dead as New Orleans, but maybe that’s a good thing. Milla, I beg of you. Must you read every shitty script that comes your way? How about taking a break from bad acting for a while? Killer bod though. I guess that’s what keeps her in this genre.

Clint Fletcher is a our most outspoken reviewer.

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