Posted: 04/11/2004

The Whole Ten Yards

(2004)

by Clint Fletcher

Ladies and gentlemen. I come from a very rare breed of film critics. I offer my services to take on the most atrocious movies that will ever hit the cineplex. I am called upon to face the most rotten of tomatoes, and I choose to go where most other critics wouldn’t dare go because I believe that any given person can learn a hell of a lot more from watching a bad film than from watching a good film. While we’re talking about rare breeds, I also must shamefully admit that I was someone that thought creating a sequel to 2000’s The Whole Nine Yards was a GOOD idea. But once again, my little spirits were horribly let down, beginning with the opening credits and all the way to the finish line.

The Whole Ten Yards is as bad as you would expect… and then some… times ten.

Jimmy the Tulip (Bruce Willis) is back and I wish I could add that he’s “badder than ever” but now I can use that phrase to describe the movie in a more sincere context. But don’t be fooled by the previews, Jimmy really isn’t going crazy as we are led to believe. It is revealed early on that he is faking his insanity so that he may further execute his masterful plan (delete “masterful,” insert “lame-ass”) to set up the bad guys. And why would he want to do that? Because of money… what every bad script — grr — bad guy wants. Moving along… Oz’s (Matthew Perry) wife Cynthia (the luscious Natasha Henstridge) is kidnapped by the father of the mob boss from the first film who wants revenge on the gang for whacking his son. Instead of going to the police like a normal pansy would do, Oz seeks the help of his old friend Salma Heyek — grr — Jimmy (getting those bad Perry movies mixed up) who refuses to help him at first but then later agrees. Does hilarity ensue? Nope. Does action ensue? Afraid not. Does pure boredom ensue? With a passion.

So what problems does it have? Too many to list. Actually, I’m going to list them anyway. First and foremost, I laughed maybe twice during its whole running time. Hell, if I stared at the wall for two hours I’m bound to laugh more than that. Second, not only will you not give a rat’s ass about the plot or characters, you may not even understand these two factors. The plot is an utter mess, as well as the characters. One minute, Jimmy is filled with rage and the next minute he’s happy again. Is he acting to play along with his plan or is he for real? Why does his wife love him but hate him at the same time? Why isn’t Matthew Perry funny anymore? Why can’t a movie I’m reviewing turn out DECENT for a change?

While supporting the idea for a sequel to one of my favorite dark comedies, I must also agree that the original didn’t necessarily need a sequel. The original was fine just the way it was, and then some blood-sucking Hollywood exec noticed that it made about 60-something whatever million dollars at the box office not knowing how hard it is to create dark comedies in the first place. That’s right, folks. This is the first-ever sequel to a dark comedy in cinematic history. But the worst part of this film was Kevin Pollack, hands down. I absolutely cannot stand it when movie sequels (I probably could just stop there) take characters that were killed off and hide the same actor behind some fake costume so he/she will stop bitching about how they aren’t involved in part 2. Absolutely none of the characters are amusing in this film, but Pollack takes the cake.

As far as the plot is concerned — correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t the first film end with our characters living happily ever after with millions of dollars? Why risk your neck to go after more money when you already have millions? Who do these people think they are, Vin Diesel? While the story is at least a great set-up for some action and clever plot development, neither of these factors take place, leaving a huge gap in the story and our hearts and the movie theaters. But sticking by my guns that every film has at least ONE redeeming quality, the only scene that was slightly amusing involves Jimmy beating on a customer in a diner who was rude to his waitress, followed by giving a speech about common courtesy to his terrified little son.

To sum it all up: yaaaaaaaaaaawn. This film is sure to be the surprise “sleeper” hit of the Spring, right up there with Doo 2 and Mooseport. My advice: take the whole ten yards and rent the original. Or better yet: go to the movies, buy a ticket for this film, set it on fire in front of the ticket counter and spit on the poster on your way out. Only then will you have an entertaining evening that pertains to this movie.

Clint Fletcher is a Chicago writer and filmmaker.

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