Posted: 08/14/2002

The Master of Disguise

(2002)

by Laura Abraham

No amount of make-up could disguise this piece of tripe.

I went to see Master of Disguise on Saturday and I want - no, I insist - on an apology from Dana Carvey, and from the doctors that saved his life. Before all you happy-go-lucky, nice and sweet types start bashing me assuming I am asking for the death of Dana Carvey, hear me out. Of course I do not want to see Dana Carvey dead! What kind of sick monster do you think I am!? All I’m saying is, something went terribly awry with that operation and his most recent film, Master of Disguise is a reflection of that botched surgery. In addition I would like an apology from the knucklehead who read this script and gave him the money to make it. While they are issuing apologies, get two more for my husband and friend who also went to see this asinine movie and afterwards insisted I give them their money back!

It is important to note here I normally love a comedic effort. When I first heard of and saw previews for Master of Disguise I thought it was a great idea and might be pretty entertaining. The previews of the turtle scenes had me reciting the hilarious lines over and over again. Given Carvey’s innate ability to impersonate I thought the film seemed like a reasonable idea. A film in which someone dresses up in ridiculous costumes appeals to me because I also love dressing up in various costumes. Dana Carvey had built a solid reputation as a comedic performer during his Saturday Night Live Days, with such classic characters as Church Lady, Garth and President Bush. He definitely can act funny in certain situations but he seems unable to write funny situations. Master of Disguise may have worked had he enlisted the help of a good writer and not obviously tried so hard. Unfortunately for us, Carvey and cast did not recognize their own deficiencies before making their film.

The story centers on Dana Carvey’s character, Pistachio Disguisy, who is a dorky waiter with an annoying habit of mimicking his customers. He is unaware of the fact that he comes from a long line of disguise masters with talents rivaling some super heroes. His father, Fabrizio Disguisy, played by James Brolin decides to spend his life in the less risky business of restaurants after he had a close call with danger while disguised as Bo Derek.

The evil villain is named Devlin Bowman portrayed by Brent Spiner has some of the worst jokes in the film. Bowman kidnaps Pistachio’s parents in an attempt to use the famous Fabrizio to steal much of the world’s valuables. He is using Fabrizio disguised as various famous people to pilfer valuables for him and it is Pistachio’s job to save his father and mother.

The premise seems sound; the execution of it is anything but. I was embarrassed for everyone involved in this film and as my friend kept saying, “I can’t believe so and so did this film, their career is in the TOILET!” which truthfully is where many of these performances and the jokes deserved to be.

I understand this film is aimed at kids and I can appreciate how in the middle of summer it is nice to have a film the whole family can enjoy. Having said that I feel bad that someone out there thinks children deserve this kind of crap film. One real problem with marketing this movie to kids is that some of the best jokes are of people and films they wouldn’t recognize. For example, the great imitation of Robert Shaw from Jaws, while perfect in it’s rendition went right over the heads of the 10 year olds in the audience because the film is over 25 YEARS OLD. And to start the film with Fabrizio in Bo Derek disguise, while funny for me was incomprehensible to kids who hadn’t even been born when 10 came out!

I wanted to like this film partially because Dana Carvey had a good run on SNL and partially because of the concept. I couldn’t like it no matter how hard I or Dana Carvey tried, because simply put it was crap. This movie was just plain uninspired and boring. The jokes weren’t good to begin with and then they were beaten to death. If this movie was aimed at kids someone should call Social Services on Dana Carvey and crew because when you come right down to it this film is child abuse. Our kids deserve better. I deserve better! My husband deserves better!! Quite frankly, Dana Carvey deserves better.

Laura Abraham lives and worries in Ann Arbor, MI. She is currently worrying about a spider that got lost in K-boogie’s car on the way to the film, Cherish. If you see it call this number: 1-800-IWORRIES

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