Posted: 09/01/2005

The Cave

(2005)

by Anna Keizer

The first five minutes of this film were great. The last five minutes of this film were great. The middle ninety minutes of this film? Not so great.

So what’s this wonderful beginning? Well, it starts about thirty years ago. A group of rugged Romanian men- sorry, that’s really the only way I can describe them- hike up the Carpathian Mountains to this abandoned church built in the one spot that no one in their right mind would ever go. You would have to rock-climb to get to church. Nevertheless, once the guys entered this abandoned relic, I started to get a little psyched. It looked pretty awesome inside. Creepy sculptures of crosses and saints. Cryptic mosaics of priests warding off evil-looking creatures complete with dagger-sharp teeth and grotesque wings. I optimistically thought that this might not be your typical horror flick. But I was wrong. Within moments, the men get caved in the church, and we are whisked away to the present day without any further explanation. That’s when things started to go downhill.

A perky group of adventurers are now preparing to explore the underwater caverns of the Carpathians. They team up with a couple of scientist types before the trip, so I guess the deal is that they’re supposed to protect the naïve intellectuals who on their own would never survive the dangerous terrain. Honestly, though, we’re never really given a reason for expedition, period. Maybe it’s just for kicks.

Anyway, from here the film just goes from bad to worse. A mile under the surface of the earth and twelve days away from anyone missing them, what do you think happens? Yup, this group gets caved in, too. Just like the other guys thirty years ago. By the way, where are those guys? Not sure, but I do know that some pesky creatures keep trying to slaughter our crew. Could there be a connection? Maybe. And folks, that makes about as much sense to you as it does to me. None at all.

But we do have the ever-present scary music, which becomes a kind of cry-wolf call, kicking in every five minutes even when nothing happens. And there’s the bland “Do I even care if they die?” cast of characters. For the record, though, Cole Hauser and Morris Chestnut are solid. They do what they can with an obviously uninspired script. The contrived dialogue and ill-conceived plot developments only inspire frustration. And does the word Alien bring to mind any images? If it doesn’t, I can assure you that The Cave will bring it all back instantly. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I know, but come on.

So anyway, our crew struggles to both find an exit to this maze-like cave and avoid being eaten along the way. Some die, some survive (sorry for the spoiler) and that brings me to the great five minutes that end the film. It’s not even so much about the resolution to this narrative as it is that wonderful final image. Of course, I can’t give it away. That really would be crummy. I would never tell you, though, to sit through ninety minutes of crap just to see a great ending. But that’s why DVDs are so awesome.

Anna Keizer is a film critic and screenwriter in Southern California.

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