Posted: 11/30/2003

The Cat in the Hat

(2003)

by Hank Yuloff

This Feline Smoked Too Much Catnip.

So… Where are the Green Eggs and Ham? Where is the innocent fun? What about One Fish Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish? Where is the Cat in the Hat that I grew up reading just after See Dick and Jane and just before War and Peace?

It certainly wasn’t on the screen. What was on the screen was The Cat in the Hat on drugs. He appeared to be saying “I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them…. Unless I’ve just had a huge bong load, baby, now bring on the pussy in the striped stovetop and funky gloves.” If anyone does to Peanuts what director Bo Welch (The Tick, Secret Agent Man) did to this children’s classic, they should have their ability to say “Action” and “Cut” taken away. This was the Fritz the Cat version of the children’s classic series.

It had kind of a weak plot - but then, what children’s book could be that deep (take note any of you who ARE planning a Peanuts flick). Two little kids are lacking in the fun-o-meter and The Cat shows up to give them a fun lobotomy. Where did he come from? How did he know these kids needed funning up? No answer will be forthcoming.

Mike Myers (54, Mystery Alaska) plays the Cat. Though I also saw flashes of his characters Wayne Campbell from Saturday Night Live and Big Fat Bastard from Goldmember and Stuart Mackenzie from So I Married an Ax Murderer. The only thing missing was him saying “Schwing” when he saw a hot chick. This lawyer-toting feline was not an updated version of the Geisel books, it was a hijacking of them. This was an R-rated (or at the least a strong PG-13) in a movie that was targeted to kids.

If I had brought a little tyke - and most of the adults in the audience did - I would have been a bit concerned if they understood all of the sexual innuendo that was flying around.

I wondered if the two child actors Dakota Fanning and Spencer Breslin had any thoughts on the humor. It might not be over the head of Breslin (The Kid, The Santa Clause 2), or even Fanning (Uptown Girls, I Am Sam), but I am betting when they look back on their careers later on, they will not be all that pleased. Their acting, though, was stellar. Fanning continues to light up the screen as she has in previous movies.

What kept me from leaving early was the art direction. It is a very beautiful movie in a comic book come to life kind of way. Things like oversized front doors and mixed period furnishings bring a very cool look to the screen.

One parting comment: The commercial tie-ins. When we left the theatre, there was a fully stocked booth selling Cat In The Hat paraphernalia. I have no problem with the selling of tie ins, but for this picture it has been way over the top. And I do have a problem with mixing the original Cat In The Hat with his friendly cartoon appearance and do-no-harm demeanor with what I consider a bastardization of what has been a staple of little kids learning since the children’s books came out and I began watching such TV specials as Horton Hears A Who (1970) and How The Grinch Stole Christmas (1966). What’s next, The Cookie Monster goes on a killing spree? To the folks running the “Estate of Theodor S. Geisel” who signed off on this monstrosity… Shame on you.

Put this right onto my Bottom 10 of the Year.

Hank Yuloff is a reviewer in Los Angeles who, as anyone who reads this e-zine knows, takes chances on a lot of movies and comes up with… craps.

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