Posted: 09/02/2005

The Brothers Grimm

(2005)

by Clint Fletcher

God bless the Lord above, I have found Jesus again. Why? Because the Big Guy in the Sky has brought me a truly wonderful gift this week. After seeing the worst movie of the year, The Brothers Grimm, I truly wanted to put a dent in it through Film Monthly but sadly it was taken already. Then low and behold, my fellow Hollywood brother Hank got too busy and the slot became open. After weeks of seeing flicks ranging from decent (Dukes of Hazzard, Must Love Dogs) to superb (The 40 Year-Old Virgin, The Island) it is now time for some good, old fashioned bashing.

The Brothers Grimm made my last shit look like a tasty dessert.

First off, I’d like to touch on the obvious—about how much Miramax blows. After catching a few episodes of Project Greenlight, I’m thoroughly convinced that the people at Miramax are the biggest bunch of fucking retards you’ll ever meet in the business. Not to mention, they’re also the cheapest too- and not in a good way. Miramax is the only company around that actually ruins good scripts because they won’t put up for the money necessary to make it successful. Take The Great Raid for example. Ever heard of it? Neither have I until a few weeks ago. The Great Raid is some military movie starring actors that couldn’t even sell a good TV show- Benjamin Bratt and James Franco. Another reason for the movie’s failure (yes it failed) is due to the fact that it was made like 4 years ago. But Miramax canned it for a while, and now they thought it was a good time to bring it back. You stupid fucking idiots. Why in God’s name would I want to see a movie starring Benjamin Bratt? He’s the reason why I avoid old reruns of Law and Order. And you know damn well you got Benjamin Bratt because he was cheap. Didn’t want to put up the money for a Mel Gibson, huh? On the other side of the spectrum, they pick their shittiest scripts to dump all their money in. The Brothers Grimm cost a reported $90 million. Way to go, guys. And the screenplay that won Project Greenlight- the best script out of thousands- gets $3 million. Bottom line is, the people behind this studio are just too damn controlling and I can’t remember the last time I didn’t hear about a movie having assloads of problems, The Brother’s Grimm being no exception.

For those of you out there who are big literature fans, this is NOT the Brothers Grimm you’ve come to know and love. Matt Damon and Heath Ledger star as Will and Jacob Grimm, two con men who search for haunted legends around various towns and show up pretending to eliminate the evil spirits, charging a hefty fee. But when a wealthy politician discovers their secret, he sends them to a town where there really are spirits and forces them to solve the case. I’ll cut to the chase quick. There is absolutely nothing interesting about this movie. There is no comic relief, there is no intriguing story, there is no logic in the plot. I used to be a fan of Ehren Kruger (Arlington Road rocked!) but now he’s completely sold out to shit like The Ring 2 and The Skeleton Key. I’ve only tried to fall asleep during a few flicks in my life, and unconsciousness just seemed like the wiser decision here. And I didn’t even want to see it, but I got talked into it by a friend of mine who’s a huge Terry Gilliam fan. For the record, I don’t blame Terry Gilliam for its failure. He’s a talented filmmaker and I just think too many people at the company wouldn’t let them do his damn job. He even put the film on halt for a year because he didn’t like where it was headed. I also don’t blame the Weinsteins, as they too got the hell out of dodge and away from Miramax (but more importantly they can give me a job later). Now I think that Damon and Ledger are very talented actors, but they both need to pick some juicier material. With the exception of the Bourne series, Damon hasn’t made a good flick in six years (Dogma, Mr. Ripley). Ditto for Ledger, also sentenced to a four-year shit-streak (A Knight’s Tale ruled!). But more importantly, they were backed by the most annoying cast that has ever graced the presence of a screen. Peter Stormare popped up once again to ruin many scenes with his annoyingly bad accent, just as he did in Armageddon, Bad Boys II, Minority Report, etc. His partner in crime, Jonathan Pryce, also decided to torture us with a terrible accent. Just wait until the scenes where both of these guys are alone together… and bring a loaded gun.

I wish I could say more about the actual plot of Brothers Grimm, but I honestly stopped paying attention. The screenplay is incoherent, the acting is lifeless (despite the talent) and all of this combined just turns your brain into mush. By the time a big pile of mud turned into the Gingerbread man and stole a small child’s eyes to see, I lost all hope I ever had with this picture. You know Hurricane Katrina? That was God’s way of saying “I just saw Brother’s Grimm.”

Clint Fletcher is a film critic, filmmaker, and connoiseur of American pop culture.

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