Posted: 10/12/2002

Swept Away

(2002)

by Hank Yuloff

Crap. Not good crap. Bad, wicked, smelly, hurt your ass when it comes out crap.

Regular viewers of our little corner of the web notice that movies stay posted as long as they are in the theaters and then move to the Archive section for the video renters. If you’re reading this now in the current section it must have been within 3 weeks of Swept Away being released because I’m here to tell you, it should be at your local rental place in record time. That’s what happens to the dogs and Swept Away is a big ‘ol Saint Bernard.

The story (a remake of the 1974 original) is a cross between Blue Lagoon, Cast Away and 9½ Weeks. Except this movie sucks. A group of six friends rent a yacht to take a vacation from Greece to Italy. Madonna is on of the renters and hates that her husband (Bruce Greenwood from 13 Days), brought her to this boring vacation where she will have nothing to do but eat, drink, lay in the sun and be taken care of by a crew of four. Sure sucks.

She spends the first 30 minutes of the movie in character development. Amber Leighton (Madonna) is a snooty little bitch who likes to treat the help like shit. Why? Because she can. The object of her derision is the deck hand assigned to wait on the group (Adriano Giannini as Giuessppe Esposito). It gets old really fast. She’s pissed that she is here and is taking it out on him. We get it. Move on.

One day she demands (against the warnings of the crew) that she be brought to a nearby island and sure enough she is stranded with Giuessppe in a dingy. A couple of days later they drift to an uninhabited island (gee - what are the odds) and thus begins their one month journey from antagonistic creatures to lovers. Sorry I gave it away, but you aren’t going to see this one anyway, so I don’t think it matters.

Madonna (Evita) goes from hating what Giuessppe represents (a loss of control of her life - not getting what she wants in a vacation), to her reason for living. She even hides from a boat when it anchors just off shore. As luck (lucky for me - it meant the movie was ending) would have it, they are rescued and have to confront the real world. What will she do? Leave her husband for a poor fisherman? Who cares. Get me out of the theater.

Some movies should not be remade because they are classics. Some should not be remade because they have no current relevance. Guess which one is Swept Away. I read that Director Guy Ritchie (Snatch, Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels) was talked into this one. He should have let a sleeping dog lie. Thanks for coming to FilmMonthly.com. We see them so you don’t have to.

Hank Yuloff would like it stated that he loves Madonna’s music. Swept Away was not scheduled to appear here because no one else would write about it. He reviewed this only because he was being dragged to see it by his friends Ivy and Earl. They didn’t like Road to Perdition, which Hank took them to see. Boy did they get back at him.

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