Posted: 10/27/2004

Surviving Christmas

(2004)

by Clint Fletcher

‘Tis a week before Halloween, my friends. You all know what this means. This is a time when demons awaken from the dead to haunt their beloved. Tis a time of Jack-o-lanterns and costumes and kids and candy and pranking… a time for… CHRISTMAS MOVIES. That’s right. Kudos go out to the distributors of this film for making the biggest movie scheduling mistake of the year. Ha ha, what dumb fucks you are. Although, now knowing that this movie blows a huge asshole, it does make sense that this puppy may want to stay clear of the other big Seasonal flick: Christmas with the Kranks.

Sadly, the Affleck shit-streak continues with this painfully unfunny excuse for a holiday treat.

Since the trailer has been crammed down your throat every twenty seconds (that is if you watch television), I will waste very little precious bashing time on the plot. Affleck stars as a millionaire who pays a middle-class family to take him in for the holidays so he won’t be lonely. There. Done. Now onto the bashing.

You know, when I was in high school I wrote numerous screenplays that I had planned to co-write with friends of mine. When I did 100% of the work, I would always give a writing credit to my friends, even though they didn’t do jack. Well, I’m starting to believe that’s what happened with Good Will Hunting since Affleck continues to convince the American people that he has shit for brains when it comes to filmmaking. Don’t get me wrong, Mr. Affleck, I’m sure you’re a nice guy. You seem to have a very energetic and fun personality, which is probably why you still have an acting career as a leading man. For a while, I defied to jump on the Anti-Affleck Wagon because I had faith in the man. Now, after some thorough analyzing over the years, I’ve come to the conclusion that Affleck fits into the category of what I like to call “The Cardboard Actor.” Cardboard actors really only serve one purpose, and that is to feed their lines brainlessly while looking good in front of the camera. Now, there are exceptions to the CBA. In Affleck’s case, the man can churn out some good chops if he has a good backing, aka a kickass writer/director (such as Matt Damon, Kevin Smith, or the dude that directed Changing Lanes). Affleck, for God’s sake man… take a sedative, rethink your life and come to a realization that writing is your calling…. not acting.

Now, on to Gandolfini. You are a fine actor. And if you’re reading this, sir… please don’t shoot me. I love my life and would like to live it to its fullest. This plea for mercy includes the forbiddenness of any other form of death or torture that is typically performed by the Italian Mafia. They should give you an Oscar for this movie. I mean, seriously. Wow. Riveting. Moving on…

On to the ladies. Catherine O’Hara just can’t seem to get Christmas movies out of her blood, as her character is not really meant for anything except to take up space. But damn it if I wasn’t swept away yet again by Christina Applegate. No matter how much her movies suck, I still fall for her charm every time. Sweetie, stay away from Affleck. He’s bad news for your career (and everyone else’s too!). The teenage son of the movie didn’t do much of anything either, except stare straight ahead, keep his mouth shut and… oh…. masturbate… a lot (or so it is implied).

As for the movie itself, I will admit that Affleck tried his best by taking his enthusiastic personality and integrating it into his character, or lack thereof. He really seemed like he was the only one having fun making this film. As his character tries to loosen the family up a bit with some holiday cheer, they never really do seem to crack from their hard shells, excluding Applegate. This has to be, by far, the most cliché film of the year. And do you know how bad a Christmas movie has to be for yours truly to hate it? Pretty fucking bad. The script was as stale as the bread I’m eating right now and… hold on…. dropped my bread… alright, now where was I? Oh yes, this movie blows. There are just too many decent actors in such an awful movie… what’s the deal? Is there a good movie strike going on that I don’t know about? In other news, this was the first time in Fletch cinematic history that the lighting of a movie actually bothered me. The lighting was so soft, which caused everything in the background to come off terribly blurry. The entire film looked like a big sitcom-ish dream sequence.

Despite a few slightly humorous gags, SC falls flat and deep into the fiery pits of hell with Jingle All The Way and other bad Christmas films. Bad Christmas films are just a disgrace to mankind. Don’t see this. Don’t rent this. Don’t consider this. I survived Surviving Christmas…. but many of you will not. Happy Halloween!

Clint Fletcher is a reviewer and filmmaker who no longer believes in Santa or elves, but wishes Hollywood would stop living in its own fantasy world.

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