Posted: 05/09/2007

Spider-Man 3

(2007)

by Jason T. Hams

There really aren’t any words to describe what an asswipe Clint looked like in his Spidey suit at the premiere of ‘Spider-Man 3’. I was told to prepare for the sight of Clint Fletcher in a Spidey suit, and I braced myself, I showed up, and there he was in a black form-fitted Spidey suit. And there were maybe three others just like him. Cut to two-and-a-half depressing hours later as I walk out of the theater with Clint, Andrew, all of us, and Clint cannot decide what is more embarrassing: leaving the mask on, or taking it off. I bring this up not simply to rag on Clint (added bonus! Love you, buddy! Good luck with your zombie movie!), but because it’s the most fitting analogy I can think of to describe the truly depressing experience of sitting through a movie that so deviates from the principles that made this franchise such a clear cut-above its shallow comic book brethren. The movie cannot decide between its contractual obligations for Peter Parker or Spider-Man and the movie cranes itself into a building wrestling with what movie to make.

While the first ‘Spider-Man’ film was visibly a work of imperfection (the Green Goblin costume, awkward pacing in the second half, not-too-special special effects, etc.), the first half was a work of narrative perfection, and the movie was ultimately a strong success. As Bryan Singer has acknowledged with the first entry in the ‘X-Men’ franchise, the first movie was a launching board for Sam Raimi, and ‘Spider-Man 2’ allowed the cannily goofy filmmaker to enjoy himself and indulge in some truly off-kilter ways to make the great Hollywood movie he was promised: Doc Ock’s arms splattertastically coming to life for the first time, Peter’s Semitic landlord and waîfish daughter, an archaic 60’s montage, Spidey taking the elevator down after his powers crap out, etc. While the film ultimately sets a high-water mark for special effects, it’s soulful moments like these coupled with spirited character development that made ‘Spider-Man 2’ the greatest handjob to nerds since the advent of the message board. It was a movie you could catch a midnight showing of and not leave the theater with sober reservation.

‘Spider-Man 3’ feels the need to top its predecessors and subsequently remakes both of them into a lump-sum behemoth that drags to joyless conclusion, and in doing so forgets the one tenet of the series: With great power comes great responsibility. Not to sound like a Didgering Johnny, but the property damage in ‘Spider-Man 3’ is unforgivable and in this the third entry in the franchise, ‘Spider-Man 3’ falls prey to the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, policies of lesser blockbusters: people are ants, and if an ant dies off-screen, who cares? Spider-Man does and should, and in the creation of The Sandman, ‘Spider-Man 3’ finds its most egregious strengths and weaknesses. His reassembly is a tiny silent masterpiece and Thomas Haden Church finds the right goonish notes to play, and yet by the end he becomes a giant FX-laden monstrosity out of a video game level, pummeling extras into submission if only to provoke narrative action. ‘Spider-Man’ movies are equiparts character as FX bonanza, and the de facto nature of $250+ million’s worth of “fun” is rather troubling in this entry.

Indeed, the movie feels like a contract negotiation on the screen. In this the third entry of the series, the Harry Osborn storyline can at long last be summated (including two unsuccessful battles to be followed by an obligatorily estimable team-up). And in this the third entry of the series, the Sandman be introduced as the mandatory FX-heavy extravaganza-character (also in part because Raimi & Maguire are such nerds about Sandman) and tied improbably yet now-forever-intricately into the ‘Spider-Man’ mythos. And in this the third entry of the series, the Black Suit be introduced, in which Peter Parker don after the first third and remove thusly after the second third, to which Eddie Brock will thusly put on and become Venom due to popular demand (unless other structural obligations push the true “Venom Storyline” to the final fourth, in which case the film’s running length shall be expanded an additional five minutes). Which is not to mention the same Peter Parker/Mary Jane romance subplot, the grossly marginal inclusion of the Gwen Stacy character, mandatory J. Jonah Jameson scenes, and the obligatory Aunt May monologue.

What I am saying is that ‘Spider-Man 3’ sadly but knowingly subscribes to the ‘Same but New’ stigma that almost always befalls the third entry of any series. I write this as three additional ‘Spider-Man’ films have been commissioned by Sony, the Catch-22 of that situation being that in their efforts to wrap every story conceivably demanded before Spider-Production has curtailed, they have now backed themselves into a corner with the likes of Mysterio, Electro, and The Lizard to draw from for the next three, where ‘Spider-Man 3’ could have easily provided fodder for two and the beginning of a third additional ‘Spider-Man’ film. And while ‘Spider-Man 3’ is not without its pleasures, it wreaks of avoidable excesses. There are symbiote meteorites distractingly delegated to the background of webby love-ins for narrative convenience, a nauseatingly on-the-nose Stan Lee cameo, and those oh-so-conveniently placed American flags! At least the now-infamous Emo-Spidey ‘Saturday Night Fever’-strutwalk down the catwalk has life, energy, and goofiness sorely missing from the proceedings.

Jason T. Hams is a writer and film reviewer living in Chicago.

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