Posted: 07/21/2003

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

(2003)

by D. Patrick Seitz

Disney stirs up some fun by inventing a story to go along with an old theme park ride.

I was so pleased with Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, I seriously wanted to grab people waiting in line for the next screening as I left the theater with my girlfriend and just chortle at them gleefully for what they were about to experience. While I refrained from this random laying on of the hands, I am chortling now as I write this review.

It’s not often that I sign up to write a review for a great film, so you’ll have to bear with me. The bile with which I larded my reviews for Dungeons & Dragons, Eight-Legged Freaks, and Highlander: Endgame simply isn’t appropriate right now.

It was as if Pirates of the Caribbean was written, cast, and produced just to make me happy—something that Hollywood hasn’t done since Topsy Turvy came out a few years back. I feel guilty. They shouldn’t have gone to all trouble just on my account. Geoffrey Rush and undead pirates, both in the same flick? Can my third wish be for more wishes, or is that cheating?

This film has everything a moviegoer needs: adventure, swordplay, romance, humor, (undead) pirates, great CGI, eye-candy for both genders, and enough sly winks at the ride upon which its based for the purists and quick of wit to appreciate. I’m not going to burden myself with rehashing the plot for you. If you’ve seen the trailer, you’re ready. Hell, even if you haven’t seen it, just go to the movie unprepared and thank me later. Instead, I want to try and convey the pleasure…yarrr, rhymes with treasure…this movie gave me. Unless you’re Strom Thurmond, it’ll please you, too.

The acting was superb—and how could it not be? Consider the cast: Orlando Bloom as the quietly sincere hero; Jonathan Pryce as the humorously befuddled colonial governor; Keira Knightley as the governor’s winsome young daughter; Jack Hawthorne as the prim and proper career sailor/romantic rival; Geoffrey Rush as the menacing pirate captain. And Johnny Depp as the wise-cracking outcast? If loving this cast is wrong, I don’t want to be right…

Not only is Pirates of the Caribbean a wonderful movie in its own right, but it gives the live-action pirate movie genre some much-needed healing after Cutthroat Island, the 1995 debacle that earned director Renny Harlin and actress Geena Davis spots between Lucifer’s ever-gnashing teeth in the lowest level of Dante’s inferno. And for those of you who are sitting back, smug in the knowledge that Lucifer had three mouths in Dante’s inferno, just remember that Ms. Davis is a tall drink of water—a victim for whom mastication could easily require two mouths working in tandem. So, there.

Okay, so the movie could have been a bit shorter. In a world where there are plenty of bad movie that never should have seen the light of day, I’m willing to let a gem shine on a little longer than is proper. Do people badmouth a brilliant chef who is a bit on the hefty side? No, they let it slide! Besides, it’s been 53 years since Disney gave us Treasure Island, the last top-drawer pirate movie. Don’t begrudge me 25 or 30 superfluous minutes of pirate action when I might not be alive for the next great buccaneer flick.

D. Patrick Seitz is a writer, actor, voice artist, and teacher who is about to enter the world of graduate school. For more info on Patrick, check out his website.

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