Posted: 02/09/2007

Norbit

(2007)

by Clint Fletcher

There comes a time in every man’s life where he witnesses a film that has the potential to change lives. Norbit is one of those films. As I spent nearly two hours in a dark theater with a sold out crowd, I started to realize something horrific… Norbit was what killed Anna Nicole Smith.

Putting a shotgun in your mouth may not even ease the pain from the horrible flashbacks you’ll suffer from after viewing this picture. There should be a post- traumatic stress label on every poster. My uncle doesn’t even have memories this bad and he fought in Vietnam. It’s no secret that Eddie Murphy has gone off the deep end. Sure, he got an Oscar nomination for the first time ever, and he may win, too. But if he does win, someone should come out on stage and rip that fucking statue right out of his hand, shouting, “This is for Norbit,” then spit on his tux. Now, I haven’t personally seen Dreamgirls, but from what I’ve heard, it’s the most overrated movie of the year. Regardless of how these awards ceremonies play out, Eddie Murphy should be shot, Iraqi-style, for what he’s done, or, at the very least, allow the security guards at the front door of the Kodak Theatre to take him into a back alley, beat the shit out of him and throw him head-first into a dumpster filled with battery acid. Is this too much to ask?

Shame on every actor who touched this fucking movie, including Eddie Griffin, Kat Williams, Charlie Murphy, one of the Wayans brothers (who cares?), Thandie Newton and especially Academy Award Winner Cuba Gooding (just keep sinking that ship pal). While most of the comedians mentioned above are rather funny in other films and stand-up routines, let’s not forget Murphy wrote the script. So, anyone that has the potential to be funny has no shot since they must stick to the lame-ass screenplay. There was absolutely no point in making this movie. Once again, Eddie Murphy plays 15 million characters and not one of them is funny. The performances are annoying, the plot is ridiculous, the concept is weak and the direction is lifeless and cheesy. Oh, and also, it has the worst makeup ever. Eddie Murphy doesn’t look like a white Chinese man or a fat black woman, he looks like Eddie Murphy dressed as a white Chinese man and a fat black woman. Everybody just looks unrealistic and creepy. This is yet another humorless piece of ridiculous slapstick in the vein of Big Momma’s House and Little Man. It has already gotten my vote for the “worst black comedy of 2007 and probably forever” award.

What makes me sick beyond belief is this movie is probably going to be a huge hit. It raked in $35 million this weekend alone, further proving that Americans are fucking retarded. Again, I was at a sold-out show, and most of the audience loved it. Could everyone have gotten drunk before watching it? Yes. Was I tripping on acid at the time? Possibly. The point is that Eddie Murphy hasn’t been funny in over 10 years. To read more about why he blows, click on this link.

As for Norbit, when I got home, I sent out a fake Internet bulletin claiming that Norbit was downright hilarious and the best Eddie Murphy movie ever made. Call me sick if you want, but this movie was so bad, I want others to suffer as much as I did. In this regard, I would like to recommend Norbit to everyone, young and old. If you’re still alive afterwards, call me and we’ll begin to plot Murphy’s violent, bloody death.

Clint Fletcher is a film critic living in Chicago.

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