Posted: 04/22/2007

Illegal Aliens

(2007)

by Clint Fletcher

This is Anna Nicole Smith’s last film (and I use that term loosely). If she hadn’t died, I doubt anyone would’ve ever taken notice of this wretched abomination to the movie world. Much like illegal aliens in reality, this flick should be banned from the United States.

I mean no serious disrespect to the memory of Anna Nicole, but it’s no secret that 1) she never really had a film career (unless you count Naked Gun 3), and 2) she couldn’t act her way out of a plastic bag, even if she wasn’t bat-shit crazy. With all that said, maybe one could understand a little better why she would invest money into this B- movie trash: she didn’t know any better. And I take that back. This movie doesn’t even belong in the B-movie section, as the latest flick from Steven Seagal should be awarded Oscars compared to this.

As much as I’d love to sugarcoat this review for Anna, I simply cannot. Why, oh why, do movies like this get made? Were the filmmakers on crack? It’s advertised as a comedy, but I didn’t laugh once (except when unintentionally horrible). The acting is like nails on a chalk board, the production values are extremely poor, the writing is worse than a softcore porno and the plot is incomprehensible and ridiculous. I have absolutely nothing good to say about this movie.

Should I even talk about the plot? Okay. Three aliens get beamed in to Earth from outer place and disguise themselves as humans in the form of three hot girls. While each get jobs in LA, they must stop another alien, also in human form, from gaining possession of a device that could destroy the planet. The movie jumps forward in time from the late ’80s through the ’90s, yet the scenery, costumes and props never change. And again, most of the plot is illogical and you don’t even bother trying to comprehend it because who cares?

This was the longest hour and a half of my life. Now, despite the poor production value, this flick actually had the potential to be kind of fun on a B-movie level. All you had to do was throw in some nudity, sex scenes, some witty lines and cool kills. Since Anna Nicole is in it, the first question I’ve gotten from everyone is “does she get naked in it?” Sadly, no. No one does. What the hell? What is this movie good for? Absolutely nothing.

If I hadn’t already blacked out most of what I watched, I would have more to say. But sadly this is it. Farewell, Anna Nicole. May you rest in peace. And this critic here would like to say the same thing for Illegal Aliens, one of the worst movies in the history of mankind.

Clint Fletcher is a film critic and filmmaker living in Chicago.

Got a problem? E-mail us at filmmonthly@gmail.com