Posted: 09/06/2000

Highlander: Endgame

(2000)

by D. Patrick Seitz

Friends don’t let friends watch sequels this devoid of merit. There’s $50 in it for the first one who can hand me the SAG cards of the members of this cast — no questions asked.

This was a horrible movie. I haven’t been so unimpressed with a film since I saw Prophecy 3: The Ascent. At least the makers of that film knew it wasn’t good enough for a theatrical release. That’s more than I can say about this railroad stake in the Highlander coffin.

In Highlander: Endgame, Connor MacLeod (all together now: “of the clan MacLeod”) is a tired, bitter specter of his former self. Immortality—which seemed like a right nifty idea at first—is starting to weigh heavily upon him, and he yearns for release. One gets the distinct impression that Christopher Lambert, like the character he plays, is yearning from release from his own bland version of eternity—the Highlander franchise.

The first Highlander film was money well spent, but I wouldn”t line birdcages with the scripts of the subsequent titles. Not only have they flat-out sucked, but they don’t even try to stay true to the limitations established in the story to which they’re supposedly a continuation. Remember Connor winning “the Prize” at the end of the first film? Well, forget it, ‘cause here come three more films in which there are other immortals for him to fight. And just for kicks, let’s use the second film to establish the fact that the immortals are actually extra-terrestrials. Nah, that sucks—nix that idea. Pretend like the second movie never existed.

There have been so many films and director’s cuts and TV series (ever hear of Highlander: The Raven? Me neither!) that a person can’t even hope to keep track of it all. The Highlander franchise lumbers around, rutting with any story idea or actor with a pulse, leaving a trail of twisted bastards in its wake. It?s the cinematic equivalent of Andrew Jackson—diseased, dour, and dying so slowly as to outlive everything around it, but dying nonetheless.

The story (as near as I can tell) is as follows. Jacob Kell’s father figure, a local priest, burns Connor’s mother as a witch. Connor accidentally kills the priest in a moment of rage, and Kell (Bruce Payne) vows revenge. Luckily enough for Kell, he’s also an immortal, which ensures him plenty of time to practice his scenery-chewing and needless yelling.

Flash forward to the present (or past—hell, who even cares?), where Kell kills Connor’s adoptive daughter. He then proceeds to periodically whup MacLeod’s ass, patronize him, and promise him a long future of ass-whuppins. Eventually, only Connor and Kell will remain, the latter figures, at which time he’ll administer an uber-whuppin’ and claim the Prize (already earned by Connor in the first Highlander, but why worry about minor details like that?). Luckily, Connor’s got the help of another MacLeod—Duncan (portrayed by the TV series’ square-jawed Adrian Paul). Unfortunately, Kell’s got somewhere in the neighborhood of twice as many immortal kills under his belt as the MacLeod boys have put together. Not only that, he’s got a cadre of immortal assistants—whom he later kills one by one while they offer no resistance whatsoever, but that’s an audible groan for another time.

How did I hate thee? Let me count the ways!

The film was grainy, but not too grainy as to conceal the cheap sets and obvious backdrops (was it that hard to find a grassy hill, guys?).Everybody’s makeup looked as if it were applied with a trowel, especially Lambert. Immortality be damned, the guy’s face is turning into a luggage set. The accents were all over the place. The acting was either inert or hammy. The fight scenes were unimpressive. And it’s hard to take Duncan’s sundry victories seriously because every time he experiences the Quickening (i.e. absorbs a defeated immortal’s mojo), it looks like somebody just ambushed his prostate. The film clocked in at only 90 minutes, but felt easily twice as long. Immortals aren’t supposed to be able to fight or kill each other on holy ground. Also, all fights between immortals are supposed to be one-on-one. Highlander: Endgame tosses these rules aside with nary an explanation. This film has flashbacks. And more flashbacks. And flashbacks within flashbacks within dear God! make it stop, already! Bam! We’re in Scotland! Whammo! We’re in Italy! Now, New York! Now, back to Scotland! Unfortunately for the film, tedious exposition sounds pretty much the same, no matter in which time period it’s delivered.

The script, the music, the camera angles—everything about Highlander: Endgame sucked. I feel unclean for having sat through this film. Tomorrow night, I’m going to rent the first Highlander and prove that there was a time when this concept was fresh and pleasing.

D. Patrick Seitz skipped out on grad school to pursue dreams of acting, writing, and voiceover work in Los Angeles. Please forward all letters of condolence to his mother…

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