Posted: 09/24/2006

Feast

(2006)

by Clint Fletcher

For those of you that aren’t film buffs, Feast is the new Project Greenlight movie. And for those of you that don’t know about Project Greenlight, it is a reality show in which a group of people from Miramax pick a script from a contest, and a director to helm the film and put it into fast production. They convince the winners that they’re the luckiest sons of bitches in the world…and then they start shooting, and the winners realize the true underlying meaning of the show—to ridicule them. The chosen filmmakers learn quickly that the whole thing is a setup: you can’t make a Hollywood movie for $2 million, at least without an assload of production problems. Gee, these problems would make great drama for a fucking reality show, huh?

It’s no secret that I have a big problem with Project Greenlight and an even bigger problem with Miramax. I don’t understand how this company still exists. If anything good has come out of Project Greenlight it would be showing the world what Miramax is really like—a company run by the most idiotic, controlling group of assholes in Hollywood. Rarely do their films make any money because the people there never 1) learn to give creative control to the filmmakers and 2) put up enough money for a decent budget and bankable stars. And it comes to no surprise that Feast succumbs to these two major flaws. Not to mention the fact that I can’t believe this was the script picked out of thousands to fund…or lack thereof.

Feast follows the story of a group of strangers trapped in a bar out in the middle of the desert, as a number of mysterious creatures try to bust in and turn them all into puppy chow. The film starts off promisingly, with hilarious bits to help introduce the characters, such as stats flashing on the screen that include “Life Expectancy.” Little did I know that this would be the only humorous bit throughout the whole running time of the flick, because what comes after is dreadfully boring. We’re introduced to the blandest group of characters on the planet, and they are, for the most part, played by shitty actors. Half of them are killed off in just the first 10 minutes; when we are led to believe some other characters are going to become the frontrunners of the film, then they get killed off, too.

I understand why the writers did this—they wanted to break the traditional mold on horror films with unexpected killings. The problem is, the characters that we’re left with are far less interesting than the ones who died quickly. I didn’t give two shits about any of these people, especially the heroines. I just wanted everyone to die, so the movie would be over and I could go hang myself in the bathroom. Jason Mewes is a funny dude, but he wasn’t funny here. Henry Rollins is a funny dude, but he wasn’t funny here. Most of the actors are terrible in their roles, and the lines they deliver are as stale as Paris Hilton’s cooch. Navi Rawat, the chick who has the most lines, is easily the worst actor in the whole flick. This girl will make you beg for mercy and then some. She should be used as a weapon for torture in the Middle East. She’s notorious on Project Greenlight for being turned down by the director and producers for her role, but an evil casting agent went behind their backs and put her name in the running for the studio execs. And of course they pick her, because she’s a terrible actress. I’m sure they’re still scratching their heads as to why their movies starring James Franco aren’t making any money either.

The only likable actors in the flick were 1) Krista Allen, 2) Jenny Wade and 3) Clu Gulager (the director’s father) as the tough-as-nails bartender. Why they weren’t made the true protagonists of the movie is beyond me. Besides the actors and their roles, the script goes absolutely nowhere near interesting territory, and beyond that, the direction was terrible, too. I didn’t get to see one damn thing happening in any action sequences because of the shaky-cam effect. Everything was too dark, shaky and blurry to make out what was going on. Those are suppose to be the best parts of the movie, dicks! And no, you never get to see what the monsters actually look like. We see glimpses of them through good ole shaky cam, but nothing ever resembling a clear image. Oh, and for those of you that think I did a bad job describing the plot—that really was it. Its about a group of people stuck in a bar, dodging these creatures. This movie needed Samuel L. Jackson badly. “Why are these motherfuckin’ aliens in this motherfuckin’ bar?!”

Just to clarify, I’m a big fan of director John Gulager. I think the guy’s got loads of talent as a filmmaker, but was well restrained here by the demanding company and hooker-cheap budget. As for the writers… I guess we’ll never know if Feast was once a decent script before all the budgetary rewrites. Hell, if some of the parts had been recast the audience could’ve had more fun with it all. Feast doesn’t feel like a Project Greenlight movie; it just feels like a Miramax movie. The biggest horror yawn-fest of the year.

Clint Fletcher is a film critic and minor movie mogul living in the Midwest.

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