Posted: 11/26/2006

Deck the Halls

(2006)

by Clint Fletcher

It’s official—the Christmas classic is dead and gone. If movies like Surviving Christmas and The Santa Clause 3 killed it, then Deck the Halls put the final nail in the coffin. What a waste of time, money and… well, I wish I could say talent.

Deck the Halls should be used as a torturing device overseas.

Sweet Jesus, what has the world come to? This movie wasn’t funny the first time, when it was called Christmas with the Kranks, and it’s not funny now. Two of the most boring people on the planet, Matthew Broderick and Danny DeVito, star as Ferris Bueller vs. The Penguin. While that last part was only true in my dreams, it made for a much funnier movie. Broderick and DeVito star as two grumpy neighbors duking it out after DeVito attempts to put so many Christmas lights on his house that it could be viewed from space. Why does he want to do this? Because the writers are stupid. Why does Broderick care? Well, according to one scene, he is supposedly the town’s Christmas fanatic/expert before DeVito moves in. And yet, Broderick puts no Christmas lights on his house, bitches about DeVito’s decorations and shows no signs of Christmas cheer whatsoever. The point, boys and girls, is that regardless of how his character is written, I can’t stand watching him. Its hard to imagine why Broderick still hasn’t come out of the closet yet, as he is the most flamboyantly flaming dude God has ever created. He brings absolutely no personality to any of his film roles, and if it weren’t for the great Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, I doubt this man would have a career in film today. And if it weren’t for his wife Sarah Jessica Parker, I doubt fellow Sex and the City skank Kristen Davis (who plays Broderick’s wife in the film) would have ever been cast in this flick. Speaking of which… In what bizarre universe are these characters living where Danny DeVito could get a woman like Kristin Chenoweth? Why couldn’t they just cast his real-life, equally-as-ugly wife to make it more believable? Deck the Halls simply raises too many questions.

The most obvious question to ask is—why the fuck did this movie get made? It’s not going to make money, its not going to make kids laugh, and its not going to prevent adults from committing suicide. But, alas, out-of-work actors need to get paid somehow. The best compliment I can give Deck the Halls is its better than The Santa Clause 3. That’s right—if you have kids and you have the choice between two shitty Christmas movies, this one is the way to go. But if there is a third option to kill your kids and then yourself, Door Number 3 would be best. I just miss the classics, you know? Christmas Vacation, Home Alone, A Christmas Story… What the hell happened, Hollywood? The only decent Christmas movie made in the past decade was Elf. It’s not that hard. All you need is a marketable star and a script that’s funny, set to a Christmas background. A blind retard with Parkinson’s Disease could write a better script than this.

If you’re five years old, you’ll hate this movie. If you’re an adult, you’ll hate this movie. Both gays and straights will hate this movie, as will transsexual midgets. This movie is for no one and deserves to be shat on by all of Santa’s eight tiny reindeer…except for Rudolph. He has a shiny red nose and no one likes him. At least he gets more pussy than Danny DeVito (and probably more cock than Matthew Broderick).

Clint Fletcher is a writer, filmmaker and film critic living in Chicago.

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