Posted: 02/28/2005

Cursed

(2005)

by Clint Fletcher

I know that all of you out there who are reading this have been asking yourself the same question I have: what the hell has Wes Craven been up to in the past five years? You guessed it… making a shitty horror movie. That’s right. This movie has been in what we filmmakers like to call “development hell” for the last five years.

It sure was hell sitting through Cursed, and the hangover was even worse.

Now I’ve heard many reports (from the internet) that you horror geeks out there are thoroughly pissed off at “The Master” for making such a bad movie. Let me take this paragraph to make fun of you, and contradict everything that you’ve worked so hard to believe in over the years. Wes Craven has only made two good horror films in his entire career. TWO FILMS. Now someone please explain to me how he has been labeled “The Master of Horror.” If you have the answer, then please email the site. Sure, I really dug Scream 2 and New Nightmare, but I don’t count those because they’re sequels of the only two good movies I mentioned above. So for those of you that have been beating off to his flicks over the years, its time to shift gears. Maybe M. Night Shyamalan now, or a girlfriend perhaps? George Romero is a master. Sam Raimi is a master. Wes Craven directed Shocker.

Now where was I? Oh yes, bashing Cursed. Christina Ricci stars as Ellie, a chick that works for The Craig Kilborn Show, which proves how long ago the story was written seeing as how Kilborn isn’t on the air anymore. I have no idea what she does there, nor does it really matter (much like this movie). Anyway, she has a nerdy brother who’s still in high school that lives with her, and apparently their parents are dead but they don’t explain why (you mean they weren’t killed by werewolves?). After accidentally hitting a wolf with their car then smashing into Shannon Elizabeth (which in reality would’ve done her career a favor), a werewolf appears out of nowhere and violently pulls the gorgeous American Pie star away into the woods. In the midst of her attack, Ellie and her brother Jimmy try and pull her away from the fierce creature, but apparently they get bit and slashed in the process, thus forming the “curse” of the werewolf. Pointless scenes of endless werewolf chases and stupid Hollywood parties ensue.

I think I’m going to blame Cursed on the production process this time instead of the actors (which is my usual forte). Although I will say that I don’t think there’s much “casting” involved for the casting director of Craven’s movies. Going down to the WB lot and pulling actors from dreadful shows like Gilmore Girls and Smallville is hardly a casting duty. Anyhow, my opinion is that Cursed has been rewritten, re-developed and re-shot so many times that even the filmmakers didn’t know what they were doing in the end. None of the scenes match with the ones following it, many sub-plots don’t make sense, and the last twenty minutes of this puppy are so freakishly bizarre that it made me want to watch House of 1000 Corpses for relief. By the time a werewolf actually gives a human the finger, you’ll be blacking out from either disbelief from the movie or disbelief that you actually paid to be there. Many scenes in this movie are just surreal, giving you the feeling that you’re in a dream (and not on purpose, ala David Lynch). You’re not watching an experimental film, guys. You’re watching a movie that sucks so fucking bad that your brain is actually trying to form its own blood clots, thus giving you the surreal effect. Same thing happened to me during the last half of Saw. This is an illness and it can be treated by going home and watching a real horror movie like Halloween. Hell, you could even pop in a real werewolf movie like American Werewolf in London.

You see, its hard to write reviews on films like this. I can’t write a review on Cabin Fever because I didn’t understand it. All I can do is bitch and cry and moan and ask for my money back (which I didn’t get). I contemplated starting my usual email petition to ban the movie, but thankfully the producers already removed every scene that Corey Feldman shot. That’s right. Corey Feldman (you know, from The Goonies?) was supposed to have a main part, but during the re-re-re-re-re-writing process (or the Craven Process) his part was completely snipped. And poor Christina Potato Face Ricci… I’m a big fan of yours, honey. Please don’t associate yourself with the WB Clan. Stick to what you’re good at- movies that no one will ever see. Well, in hindsight I guess you did well with this movie in that context.

In closing, Cursed was just too incoherent and ultimately confusing, which again probably happened somewhere in the development process. I can’t even recommend it to die-hard horror fans because it was just that damn bad. I must admit in my defense that I don’t usually tackle the horror genre. I’m filling in for the much more entertaining horror expert Gary Schultz this week because apparently, even he won’t touch a movie that makes White Noise look like The Sixth Sense. Smart man. I need liquor.

Clint Fletcher is a screenwriter doing his best to put the bite on bad movies from his home in Chicago.

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