Posted: 09/16/2005

Cry Wolf

(2005)

by Clint Fletcher

Before I rip this little film into shreds I’d like to first mention my utter distaste for PG-13 slasher films. Would Halloween or Scream have been successful if no blood and gore was shown? Nope. While it is possible to create horror and tension without carnage (Hitchcock), slasher films nowadays really only have one point to them- effects. This movie has NO effects or cool kills, so what are we left with?

For those of you who have never heard of this movie, thank cheap-ass Lion’s Gate for that. They’ve made a mark for themselves by jump-starting their company with Rogue Pictures and making cheap shitty horror flicks such as Cabin Fever, Seed of Chucky, House of 1000 Corpses, The Devils Rejects, High Tension, Dark Water, Saw and the upcoming Saw II (getting it out of the way). Come to think of it have they ever made a good movie? Cry Wolf falls right into the above category. First off, these movies are so cheap they can’t even afford tripods so naturally the camera shakes well beyond the level of annoyance. This flick is no exception as every scene involves disoriented camera motion and terribly over-lit set pieces. Secondly, they couldn’t afford good actors either. The main guy (Julian Morris) is just atrocious and although I believe he’s British in real life, his accent makes me yearn for Fran Drescher. And like every other slasher flick, the annoying main guy is followed by the annoying black guy, the annoying stoner, the annoying sexpot, the annoying slut, the annoying smart girl and the annoying frat boy. You know your movie’s in trouble if Bon Jovi is your best actor. Hell, that was probably a joke on the set. “Fuck the movie. Bon Jovi’s in it for God’s Sake.”

And thirdly, there’s absolutely nothing scary about this flick and for all you slasher fans out there, the first kill doesn’t even occur until an hour and ten minutes into the flick. AN HOUR AND TEN MINUTES!!! And even after the kills progress, you start to doubt whether they’re even really happening and by the last ten minutes there are so many frickin’ plot twists and holes that you’re head is spinning in every direction possible (mostly toward the exit). Its almost as if the writers didn’t know how to end it so they brought up all types of possibilities and ultimately ending with the most ridiculous cliffhanger since Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes. What was the point of this movie??? So these kids decide to play a prank on their school by creating a fictional killer. Why? The only explanation the story gives is “we’re bored, and it will be fun!” Maybe that was the thought process of the LG executives as well - except they forgot the fun. This movie should be taught in film schools around the world as an example of what not to do when writing a horror flick. No coherent plot- check. No coherent twists- check. No scares or tension- check. The only light I saw at the end of the tunnel came in the form of a luscious redhead actress known as Lindy Booth. For those of you that don’t recognize the name, she was the girl in the Dawn of the Dead remake. You know, the annoying one who tried to save that damn dog from the zombies? Anyway, she’s as cute as a button and by far the only one who has enough talent for a future acting career. Sadly her next movie is called “Category 7: The End of the World” or aka “My Career is Over Before It Even Started.” But mostly Ms. Booth, I just want to sleep with you. Please email the site as soon as possible for my number as you will be undoubtedly searching for reviews on your piece of shit movie.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - Fall is here and the suckage continues. While there are bound to be a few bright spots along the dark path to the holiday season, Cry Wolf certainly isn’t one of them. The theme of this movie is “be careful what you wish for.” I wish I could go back in time and watch Scream on Demand instead.

Clint Fletcher is film critic and a man who needs no introduction.

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