Posted: 08/07/2000

 

Coyote Ugly

(2000)

by Hank Yuloff



Could this be the Flashdance for the Millenium? Would you care?


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Coyote Ugly For Boys

Here’s all you need to know about the story. Piper Perabo plays Violet Sanford, the girl next door from New Jersey (all her friends have an accent but her) who goes to New York to be a big songwriter.

She gets robbed and is down her last $2 when she meets three women she thinks are hookers but who are really bartenders at this bar called…. duh… Coyote Ugly. She gets a job there, falls in love, and goes on to be a songwriter, yada yada yada.

Here’s the real scoop.

Chicks.

Hot chicks.

Hot chicks who work at the bar treating men like the animals we are.

Hot chicks who work at the bar treating men like the animals we are and we pay for the privilege of being treated like dirt.

And we don’t care because they are hot and we wish hot women would pay attention to us and we’re willing to pay for it. I mean, look at the pictures! Wouldn’t you pay $10 to have them pour beer all over you and kiss you as they throw your ass off the bar?

Go see this movie for the chicks.

Don’t get me wrong… you ain’t gonna see Tyra Banks topless. You’ll see a heck of a lot more in the Victoria Secret catalog. Or in this month’s Maxim magazine. In fact, you won’t see so much as a hint of aereola (that’s nipple for you youngsters). But damn, isn’t it the tease that we like just as much as the actual gettin’? This movie is what a Tom Leykis listener party should be! In fact, this movie, except for the last 15 seconds, is just what I figured it would be… oh baby.

Coyote Ugly For Girls

Every little girl has a dream.

Sometimes it’s to be a nurse.

Sometimes it’s to be an astronaut.

Sometimes it’s to be the next Bernie Taupin. (He’s the guy that writes with Elton John, but never gets to go on Letterman.)

That was Violet Sanford’s (Piper Perabo) dream: to hear people play her music. When you live in New Jersey, the best place to do that is New York City, so she loads up her friend’s Mustang and off she goes. And moves into a serious dump of an apartment. Thankfully, we were spared the scenes of her scrubing and cleaning and fixing the place up to be a girl’s dream 1st apartment. That’s a good thing because when Perabo comes home one day, her residence has been turned back into a dump by some home invasion specialist, leaving her down to her last two bucks and nothing else.

What’s a girl to do at that point? Why not get some pie?! And off she trots to the neighborhood dive where she meets her 3 new fairy god sisters. She finds out that there is a place she can work and make lots of money by pouring drinks for the locals. It’s called Coyote Ugly (if I have to explain what that is you’re not hip enough to see the movie - or you haven’t been on enough bad dates) and, yes, there is an opening because one of the girls, Tyra Banks, is going to law school. After law school she will charge men $200 an hour to solve their problems. Gee, why leave the bar?

Coyote Ugly is about the coming of age of Perabo who finds love and happiness by dancing on a bar, getting over her stage fright, and meeting one heck of a nice guy with the cutest Australian accent (and quite the nice ass) played by Adam Garcia. Garcia does a good job, not too over the top.

Perabo is the sweetest little seductress this side of Pleasantville (before it turned into color) and the other girls are the sweetest little seductresses this side of Eyes Wide Shut. I’m sure this line hasn’t been used since the last Fred Astaire/Ginger Rogers movies, but it is worth a look just for the dance numbers. Thorough enjoyment.

Some funny moments: her first time trying to see an agent, her selling off of her boyfriend to pay off a debt to the bar owner, and her seducing that same boyfriend by pealing off the clothing layers, one excruciating (for guys) layer at a time.

One comment: I wish the movie had ended 10 seconds sooner. See if you agree.

Hank Yuloff is an entertainment industry entrepreneur living in Hollywood. Hank sez: “My casting couch is always available.”.



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