Posted: 11/29/2004

Christmas with the Kranks

(2004)

by Clint Fletcher

As I mentioned during my harsh review of another piece of shit Christmas movie, Surviving Christmas… it takes a lot for me not to enjoy a film set at Christmas time. Just the backdrop of all things Christmas brings a big smile to my face. But despite a lovely backdrop, Christmas with the Kranks had the exact opposite effect.

Before I dive into the bashing, I must take this time to apologize to you good readers. I came up with a rule for myself long ago that I would never read the book that a film is based on before I watch the movie. This came from watching many of my friends curse at the screen during installments of Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter, due to the fact that the filmmakers messed around with some (or just didn’t include at all) damn good material from the book. Well… I broke my own rule by reading John Grisham’s Skipping Christmas a few months ago. Why? Because I’m a sucker for Christmas BOOKS too. I am an addict of holiday cheer. For this I apologize and I deserve to burn in hell. Now I know how my friends felt and why so many critics out there must always compare a film to the book its based on (an act I’ve grown to despise over the years). I thought all of you were just nerds who didn’t know any better. Now… I must compare this film to the book… I just can’t help myself. On to the slaughter.

First off, Skipping Christmas is the hilarious tale of a middle-aged Scrooge named Luther Krank, who pitches a brilliant idea to his wife after their only child decides to spend Christmas overseas: to boycott Christmas and use all of their money they would save to take a Caribbean Cruise. Once the friends and neighbors of the Kranks here of this, they are not pleased. They all unite as a group to fulfill one mission: to make the Kranks’ holidays a living hell. Funny premise, yes? Now… Christmas With the Kranks is the story of a washed up, unfunny former TV actor- da I mean business worker named Luther Krank. He pitches the Cruise idea to his wife, and his neighbors not only decide to make their lives a living hell, but they go much beyond that point, elevating themselves to stalker/harassment level. But there is a twist for both parties. At the last minute, their daughter Blair decides to come home for Christmas with her brand-spanking new foreign fiancé. Then the real fun begins for both the book and the film. To keep matters short, the book was hilarious and the movie blew.

Tim Allen. What can I say? You’re a funny dude, and I’m a big fan of the Home Improvement re-runs. I liked you in the Santa Clause movies, but I didn’t like you here. Why? Because this script sucked harder than Tara Reid at a Cocktail party. Don’t cry, now. Its not your fault… its your agent’s fault. Fire him immediately. And by this, I mean set him on fire.

Jamie Lee Curtis. I’ve always loved you, babe. You’re the one good thing about this flick (besides Dan Aykroyd) and I must give you kudos for bearing your body like that in the bikini scene… despite having as much flab as Dan Aykroyd.

James Gandolfini. I love you (in a manly, hetero-way) and you would’ve made the perfect Luther Krank. Why did you have to make the wrong shitty Christmas movie this year? Where are your priorities, James? Again, I love you. Please spare my life.

Dan Aykroyd. You are brilliant as the legendary, nosey neighbor known as Vic Frohmeyer. The overly dramatic music helped out with the humor and made us over-look your lack of skills as an actor too. Maybe I should be thanking the composer or something…

Now to the ultimate question. Why did Kranks suck so much? Children, there are many answers to that question. Here are a few. What made the book so great was the momentum that was built for over half of the book’s length, leading up to the last few hours where the Kranks had to rush to put their annual Christmas Eve party back on for their daughter. The movie gains no such momentum. The first hour of this flick was completely wasted. Its not that the situations they got into weren’t funny as much as the execution of them weren’t well-handled. Its all about timing with comedy. Writers: take note. Too much time was focused on crap that no one cares about while the most interesting plot-points didn’t get enough screen-time. George Lucas: take note.

Sticking to my guns that there is at least one redeeming quality to be found in every steaming, smelly, wretched pile of horseshit that gets released our way, the last ten minutes of Kranks was actually quite enjoyable. There is a nice twist in the end of the story (thanks to John Grisham) that is sure to warm your hearts… unless you have a lump of coal for a heart like the executive that distributed this flick.

To wrap things up (no pun intended), Kranks sinks right to the bottom of the toilet with Jingle All the Way and The Next Karate Kid. Although the ending is touching, there are far better holiday classics to be watched… like Jenna Jameson’s Christmas Carol. Happy holidays.

Clint Fletcher is a reviewer and filmmaker who is signing Rosario Dawson to star in his next film.

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