Posted: 07/18/2003

Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle

(2003)

by Laura Abraham

All puff and no power from these girls.

All the things I liked about the first Charlie’s Angels film, such as spontaneity, campiness and a real sense of girl-power fun, were completely removed from the second one and I have no idea why!

Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle is nothing more than a poorly written, overly caffeinated, 2 hour breast fest. I realize that this alone does not make for a bad movie, but I couldn’t help but compare it to the ultra fun prequel. I walked into the theater excited and hoping to see more of the fun loving, action-packed flick that the first Charlie’s Angels was and walked out with a couple hundred bees in my bonnet.

When Charlie’s Angels 2000 came out one of the most publicized things about it was how no one really knew what they were doing. Everyone involved in the first film readily admitted they were just flying by the seat of their pants trying to make a film version of a pretty hilarious television show.

McG, the director of both Charlie’s Angels movies, must have taken Film 101 at his local community college between the two and failed, because this second one looks like a bad student film. Truthfully, it looks like a student who forgot he had an assignment due and then all of a sudden called his rich daddy and got a buttload of money to make a quick fix. Then, he gets the prettiest girls on campus and they all get high and high and high some more. After loads of pot they make a film that makes absolutely no sense and hate doing it because they really just want to lie on the couch like all good pot heads.

Drew Barrymore needs Prozac. The girl just doesn’t seem happy anymore, and let’s face it that’s what makes her so cute and tolerable. Her bubbly enthusiasm in the first film was infectious and I was sure the two of us would run away together living off her family money. She had so much fun in the first film and delivered her lines with ease, but in this film she was like a cardboard cutout of herself. Maybe it wasn’t Drew Barrymore at all! Maybe she IS traveling the world and she sent in the robot version of herself but something misfired and the robot can’t act all Drew-happy. Okay, I’m the stoned one, I admit it. Just teasing. Drugs are bad, m’kay?

Lucy Lui bored me silly. I’ve only seen her do one act, the cold bitch queen. Knock it off Lucy! I know you can do more, so do it. It would have been nice to see something else from her, one scene. Is one scene too much to ask??? (the scenes with her dad just made her look condescending)

Why does Demi Moore look like a piece of wood? She looks like she might give her kids splinters when she hugs them. The media cannot stop talking about how great she looks and she looks like shite! I don’t get it? Is it because she has had a gazillion kids and is still skinny? Hi, plastic surgery and anorexia. How is that remarkable? I’m sure she is a great person but her acting in this film sucked and so did her abdomen. Call catering! Get her a sandwich!

Having said how much I disliked the film I would like to change focus a bit to discuss Bernie Mac. I love Bernie Mac. I mean LOVE. In fact, this is a call out to Bernie Mac to email and or call me. I am sure someone who knows Bernie reads this site and will tell him how much I love him. He probably doesn’t know this, but I am his sister. Sure, I’m white, much younger, much prettier and live in Michigan, but I can assure you I am his genetic twin. Our sense of humor is identical. I saw him first doing his standup on cable and could not stop watching it, and luckily for me cable could not stop showing it. When I heard he was going to be in the Charlies Angels movie, I fell off my chair crushing the voodoo doll I had made of him and RAN to the theater. He was the only funny part in this whole sad movie.

Oh, and Cameron Diaz, who is beautiful. The woman is quite simply a stunningly warm actress with a giant comedic range and I think I have to break up with Drew Barrymore to travel the world with Cameron Diaz. I worry, however, about Cameron’s family money. I don’t know if she comes from money, I will have to check this out first. Diaz puts on a mullet wig and plays the part of a hoosier cop which is perfect in it’s accuracy and one of the best scenes in the film. Throughout the film her enthusiasm didn’t falter and she really was a joy to watch.

McG, listen to me; Your movie made no sense. You need to watch your editors more closely, they are killing your reputation. Oh wait, did you have one? Your actresses didn’t look happy; I suggest more candy on the set. Your story was convoluted and incoherent. I think we already discussed why this may be. You should have stuck to the formula of your first Charlie’s Angels movie; fun fun and more fun.

Hey Bernie, give me a call baby.

Laura Abraham runs all day from the chipmunks that chase her. Her town of Ann Arbor, Michigan is filled with coffee shops, hot dog stands and chipmunks. Laura is fearful.

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