Posted: 02/02/2007

Because I Said So

(2007)

by C.J. Arellano

“Because I Said So” will teach you lessons. Mothers are crazy. Daughters are crazy. ‘Single’ means ‘worthless.’ And never, ever fall for the rich guy. Why? See title.
Michael Lehmann, who fared so much better with romantic and familial insight by directing television’s “Big Love” and “Wonderfalls,” helmed this screeching mess of a “romantic” “comedy” starring a very tired or very embarrassed Diane Keaton.

Keaton plays Daphne Wilder, an accomplished-but-single mother of three daughters, one of whom is the accomplished-but-single Millie, played by Mandy Moore, who—like Keaton—waves her hands around a lot while yelling. (The other two daughters don’t matter: they are accomplished and not single, so all you need to know about them is that they’re… accomplished.)

Despite Millie’s likable personality, laddie-mag attractiveness, successful career as a caterer, and healthy social and family life, the movie (and her mother) views her as an abject emotional mutant who needs a man to fill the apparently blimp-sized void in her life. How do we know she has a void? She cooks spaghetti for herself every night—alone! Why can’t she get a man to claim her? She has a really weird laugh! What a freak bitch.

Meanwhile, Daphne makes it her life mission to save her daughter from the Godforsaken abyss of singledom by leading the hunt for Millie’s Mr. Right. See, Daphne also leads a sorry, valueless life, despite raising three storybook-perfect daughters: she too cooks spaghetti for herself every night—alone! I wonder if she’s only taking too much of an interest in Millie’s personal affairs because she fears her own daughter will turn out like her.

Daphne’s search produces not one but two suitors for Millie: Guy #1 (Tom Everett Scott) has good looks, has a really nice-looking face, and is handsome. Guy #2 (Gabriel Macht) has good looks, has a really nice-looking face, and is handsome. Guy #1 has a lot of money, though, so Daphne is rooting for him to win her daughter’s heart. Guy #2 is a big-hearted musician who teaches little kids how to play guitar, so Millie gravitates toward him.

I bet Daphne and Millie are going to argue about which guy Millie should choose! I bet Daphne will say, “I just don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did!” and I bet Millie will say, “Stay out of my life, Mom! It’s my life!” and I bet Guy #1 is charming but ultimately a snooty bastard who only cares about social status and pleasing his rich family. And—I know I’m taking a risk here—I bet Guy #2 will be no less than a sexy saint constructed by God Himself but will find out about Guy #1 and storm out on Millie angrily, just as she realizes her feelings for him.

“Because I Said So” is the two-hour equivalent of trying to end a phone conversation with your own overbearing mother. It is a shrill parade of Stuff We’ve Seen, and it’s not even Stuff We Liked the first time around. It strives to be an ode to motherhood, an aching portrait of the “impossible love” (film’s words, not mine) between a mother and a daughter. It is, in fact, the most impossible hate against what it claims to uphold: it proves nothing except that mothers screech at the top of their voice because daughters are stupid and that daughters screech at the top of their voice because mothers are stupid. Oh, and that being single is worse than death and that the perfect guy is anyone who uses Crest White Strips.

C.J. Arellano is a film critic living in Chicago.

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