Posted: 05/12/2006

 

Angel Blade

(2002)

by Nikki Devereaux



From the fine folks at MTI Home Video comes this erotic thriller.


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Within the first few moments of “Angel Blade,” I knew that I was in for an hour and a half of predictable, overacted drama with poor film quality and little coherence. Little did I know that this so-called “thriller” would also be closer to porn than it is to anything else.

The film opens with the murder of a young woman. The scene is aggravating in its attempt to be artsy. The use of red wine, a semi-attractive naked woman, candle-lit ambiance, a knife, and artfully dripping blood is so clichéd that it is more likely to draw a snicker than it is to inspire awe. When this agonizing act is finally over, one still has at least a glimmer of hope that that was the low point of the film. However, the entire composition, from casting to costumes to editing to dialogue, will be sure to provide one disappointment after another.

David Heavener’s character, Detective Bradley Cooper, is put on the assignment of the murder, which turns out to be one of a string of serial murders of young pregnant prostitutes. Cooper takes the case despite having been off the force for six months. He is compelled to do so because the pregnant victims remind him of his pregnant wife who died in an accident the year before, as portrayed in flashbacks that are randomly dispersed throughout the film.

It is hard to believe that a discernible plot even existed in this film, since most of it was dedicated to scenes with packs of naked men and women writhing in a darkened red velvet clad room with feathery masks or sex scenes between Cooper and his sleazy girlfriend Sam. And of course a low budget soft porn is not complete without cheesy Fredericks of Hollywood-esque lingerie modeling shows and nude breasts galore.

As expected, Cooper goes through the usual detective routine, following the tracks of the serial killer, until the movie suddenly takes the run of the mill “twist” in plot, when we find out that Cooper is actually the serial killer. His obsession with his dead pregnant wife makes him hallucinatory, and he lures young pregnant women to his house to kill them.

The film moves slowly and sporadically, and anyone with a normal attention span will be bored out of his mind and practically falling asleep after a half an hour. I tried desperately to find something good about this movie in order to give it the benefit of the doubt, but unfortunately it’s just so bad that I remain at a loss for any type of positive commentary. I’m not even sure that I can think of a single person who would enjoy “Angel Blade.” It will most certainly and deservedly end up gathering dust amongst the many flops of creativity that failed to shine in the film world.

Nikki Devereaux is a film critic living in Florida.



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