Posted: 08/30/2004

Anacondas: Hunt for the Blood Orchid

(2004)

by Clint Fletcher

You may notice that I didn’t use the full, correct title above, and that is because I am boycotting the horrid “Hunt for The Blood Orchid” sub-title. This movie has enough problems as it is, and the absolute retards behind this picture couldn’t even get the title right… so I’m doing them a favor by boycotting. I also have another confession to make: I purposely requested this film because it was guaranteed to be bad, and with all the good films I’ve seen lately… well, I need this. And sure enough, I got what I wished for.

The most appealing aspect of Anacondas is the end credits.

A team of corporate businessmen and women (huh???) are sent to the jungle to retrieve a rare flower known as the blood orchid, in attempt to create a drug that will slow down the physical aging process in humans. This team is conveniently made up of… you guessed it: the hot Caucasian woman, the hot Latino woman, the buff Special Forces guy, the token funny (but not really) black guy, and last but not least, the crazy scientist who is hell-bent on finding that damn flower. Oh, and did I forget the quiet Chinese guy? Then, big-ass snakes begin snatching them up for feasting, one-by-one, until the last few minutes when the remaining survivors come up with a way to destroy them, right? Nope, you would think that’s what happens, but they couldn’t even get that right.

Whoever the executive is that had a script slapped down on his desk that read “Anacondas: The Hunt for he Blood Orchid” and thought it was a good idea to green light it… should commit suicide right now. Sorry guys, but there’s just no excuse for shit this smelly. And for those of you that were disregarding the bad previews and wretched acting to see some good, old-fashioned killing… stay the fuck away. First off, a snake doesn’t even appear until nearly an hour into this picture. That’s right, ONE HOUR goes by before we see any type of snake attack. And after the first and second attack (which are meshed together), there is another thirty minutes before the next attack takes place. And the movie only clocks in at an hour and thirty-six minutes. So, what the hell, you may ask, is in between all of those gaps? That’s right, they actually had the nerve to try and give this film a story. Scene after scene is spent talking about that frickin flower… what they should do to get it, how much they will make off of it, is it worth risking their lives for it… who the fuck cares?!?! I want to see some killing, dammit! I want blood! I want guts! At least give me that much, is that so much to ask?!

Kudos go out to Morris Chestnut for my Worst Actor of the Year Award. And no, I’m not awarding this to you because you’re Black, I’m awarding this to you because you suck. You suck more than anything that has ever sucked before, and you should quit the acting business immediately. And the winner for Worst Supporting actor of the Year goes to the other token funny (but not really) black guy, whatever his name is. You know the one I’m talking about though. The guy that made my head pound and eyes twitch because he just would not shut the hell up. A triumphant moment came when the snake finally snatched his ass up, and the audience (along with myself) stood up and cheered (all six of us). Then, because the writers hate us, the annoying little bastard got spit back up by the snake… ALIVE. My one classic moment was ripped away from me like a stolen item from the local grocery store. This group of actors made the cast of the original look Oscar-worthy.

Now onto some quick redeeming qualities. I adored southern cutie KaDee Strickland, and despite her bad accent she was quite easy on the eyes (but harsh on the ears). And if there is one good thing about this movie it has to be Johnny Messner. Besides his character of ‘Bill, the boat leader’ being extremely under-developed and ruined by bad writing (“here’s the thing, I’m Special Forces”), this guy’s got some major charisma going on, and the perfect body and voice that is suitable for a leading action star (think a toned-down Vin Diesel). Somebody give this dude his own movie! With lots of guns! Apparently I’m not the only one who has this opinion. It appears that Bruce Willis has taken a liking in him with his appearances in Tears of the Sun, The Whole Ten Yards and the upcoming Hostage. You kick ass, Johnny!

To wrap things up: if I went into the bathroom right now, took a major dump, then used the script for Gigli to wipe my ass, it would still be a better read than this screenplay. My suggestion? Wait for the video to come out… then set the video store on fire, for all who is involved should be punished for releasing this monstrosity of a motion picture. You all should be ashamed of yourselves…

Clint Fletcher is a filmmaker in Chicago who will stay away from South America this season.

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