Posted: 03/06/2006

16 Blocks

(2006)

by Clint Fletcher

A drunken cop has 118 minutes to take a witness 16 blocks to a court trial in Manhattan. But what do you do when those 118 minutes turn out to be sheer boredom?

What has happened to Bruce Willis lately? Oh waitaminute, I know what it is. He doesn’t know how to pick good movies! Before all you action fans get all pissy, I have proof of this theory. Back in the late 90’s, Willis wasn’t doing too hot. Besides the latest Die Hard installment, Willis was heading down the Pauly Shore track and fast. Around 1996-97, he began shooting a very expensive film for Disney (the name of it escapes me), but midway through shooting he decided to quit because he didn’t like the direction it was heading. Furious at Willis for all the wasted money they spent, Disney gave him a chance to redeem himself. They would agree not to sue his ass for all his worth (and for emotional damage for Mercury Rising) if he agreed to sign a three-picture deal with Disney starring in any three projects the studio chooses, no questions asked. And guess which three movies Disney had him star in? The first was Armageddon, which catapulted him back to fame.

The second was The Sixth Sense, which needs no introduction and the third was The Kid, which also made huge bank at the box office and confirmed the Great Return of Bruce. Then right after The Kid when Willis is free to make his own choices, he goes back to shit like Hart’s War, Tears of the Sun, The Whole Ten Yards and Hostage. Add 16 Blocks to that list.

First off, I felt that 16 Blocks was a great premise for a movie. But I also had that feeling in my gut that I get when I think Hollywood is going to ruin another great idea. I should trust my instincts more often. Its not that 16 Blocks was terrible as it was somewhere in between good and bad- just like the main character. Willis stars as Jack Mosley (John McClane’s cousin perhaps?), a crooked cop alcoholic (it is McClane!) that actually stops at a bar to get a drink in the middle of escorting a prisoner, Mos Def, to a court trial. Maybe this movie was based on Pauly Shore after all. It is discovered that Def is testifying against some crooked cops, and the Army of pissed off detectives (led by David Morse) ain’t having that. Too bad the writers forgot about the premise of a much better movie (or remake) last year called Assault on Precinct 13.

But needless to say, Willis and Def are in trouble, but not as much as the audience. These two characters have to be the most annoying duo in cinematic history as Mosley is a sloppy drunk with bad aim and an even worse haircut.

But the most annoying by far is Mos Def who actually attempts to be a thespian here by adding a loud and illiterate accent to his character. Is he really supposed to be deaf as a pun on Def’s last name? Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of Mos Def despite my hatred for rappers being cast in films. But I just don’t understand why the dude just couldn’t talk like he does in real life. Instead we have to listen to him bitch and moan like that one homeless guy we see everyday on the way to work. You know, the one you want to shoot in the fucking face every time you see him? What’s this guy’s deal? Is he borderline retarded? What was he in prison for again? Why is Jack an alcoholic again? Does anyone really care what happens to these two in the end? Not really. The only redeeming quality of the script is when the writers ask the question- when a man has hit rock bottom and consumed with evil and corruption, can he really change his ways? Can he really change for the better and turn his life around? Sadly, there are much more interesting movies that ask that very question, such as American History X.

In the end, 16 Blocks suffers from poor character development, bad acting decisions and a script so cliché that it makes Hollywood Homicide look like Dog Day Afternoon. And its official- Richard Donner is a has-been with terribly executed action scenes and emotionless grit all around. And keep the damn camera still, dude! What happened you the Lethal Weapon days, man?! 16 Blocks certainly isn’t a bad flick, but at least we learn something from bad flicks. This was just a pure waste of celluloid and not to mention my mother’s hard-earned money I stole to see it with. Bruce, shut the fuck up about whatever project you’re doing next and make Die Hard 4 already! Your clock is ticking, my friend and time is up… hairline included.

Clint Fletcher is a our most outspoken reviewer.

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