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April 15, 2006 Watch Your Language!An often spoken, but not often documented phrase that you probably hear all of the time and are subconsciously annoyed by is “No, but I want to.” A simple yet ambiguous term. Do you not understand why you would hear these words yet? Well, let me put it into the context of a conversation. Moron 1: “Have you seen such-and-such movie?” But I want to. Why do we add that to the answer? Moron 1 did not ask if we wanted to see such-and-such movie, he asked if we’ve seen it. That’s all. If that conversation was graded on its economic compactness, it would get a C, at the best, depending on the teacher and how brutal they are on their scores. Of course you want to see the movie. This goes without saying. In fact, it is most often just assumed you want to see the movie unless you explicitly say you don’t want to see it. If this were the conversation, this is okay. Moron 1: “Have you seen such-and-such movie?” See? Better! Not great, hardly even good, but at least now the post-answer-comment has some validity to its existence. And we can improve upon it! Moron 1: “Have you blah blah blah?” Excellent job, Moron 2! Perhaps it is not explicitly clear that you do not wish to watch said movie, but you have redirected the conversation away from having to hear about it. Because you know what happens if you don’t? This, Moron 1: Oh, well it’s about this guy and he’s got some issues and an obsession and he has to come to terms with his life blah blah blah. See? Not fun. Because Moron 2 did not ask, “No! WHAT IS IT ABOUT IN THE BROADEST TERMS YOU CAN REALIZE?” But Moron 1 will say the plot synopsis anyway. It’s a tough puzzle to crank yourself out of, especially if you actually want to see the movie. See, you want to see it, but you don’t want to hear Moron 1’s shitty-ass plot synopsis. How do you get out of this? The truth is there’s no easy answer. Even if you say, “No, but I know what it is about,” it’s not guaranteed you’ve dismissed Moron 1’s synopsis. Most times, people don’t care about your answer in the first place. They’re more interested in hearing themselves talk and seeing if other morons hear them talk. Believe me, I know, I’m one of these morons. We all do it, regardless of the denial. However, I wouldn’t be wasting my breath just to tell you about this and let you sit there being weary. Oh no! I have solutions. Now I can’t promise they’ll work all the time, but I think they’ll work most of the time. Let’s find out, shall we? Moron 1: Have you seen such-and-such? A personal favorite. Take them off guard. Show them who’s boss. Take control of the direction of the conversation. Now even if you don’t know what the movie’s about, this is a useful tactic. Say the aforementioned line and then chuckle. Then, quickly change the subject to something you care about. Union Station. Cats. Food. A movie you want to blab the synopsis about. Moron 1: Have you blah blah blah blah? Again, take them off guard. It’s the only surefire method of stopping them. You know why? We all have one track minds: me, me, me. Throwing something off topic in there is like dropping a giant tree in the middle of the road of their mind. Do you understand? It halts them, even for just seconds. Long enough for you make them forget they were about to talk for half an hour. Moron 1: Blah blah blah? When all else fails, plead ignorance. Yes, I know, you might be batting away someone you love. But as cool as they are, they are not SMART. None of us are. Except for me. And maybe Moron 2. A person can and will fall for any trick in the book at least once. You know why? They’re not used to being fooled. The people who do this “have you seen such-and-such” ordeal on a regular basis think they’re the balls. It’s true. They don’t think anyone or anything could outwit them. So when you do, you got them fazed. On the ropes. Out to dry. You’re in control. Then change the subject. Wash, rinse, repeat. Yep! That’s about all there is to it. The “have you seen” question can be a death question. It really can. It can arrest smart conversation for a long time, depending on how extreme a moron you’re talking with. But if you persevere and use one of the methods spoken of, you’ll make it through with flying colors. How do I know? Believe me, many a time in the past and I’m sure many a time in the future, I have been Moron 1. So please, if it’s happening, promptly shut them the hell up. You’re not only helping yourself, you’re helping them. And that truly is a beautiful thing. Michael Jones is a screenwriter and filmmaker in Chicago. Read Tony Liccardello’s Rant on M. Night Shyamalan Hate. Got a problem? E-mail us at filmmonthly@gmail.com |