Film Monthly.com – The Rant – Video Games Don’t Make Good Films!



Film Monthly Home Archives Wayne Case Paul Fischer Steve Anderson The Rant Short Takes (Archived) Idiot Boxing Behind the Scenes New on DVD The Indies Horror Film Noir Coming Soon Now Playing Television Books on Film What's Hot at the Movies This Week The FM Blog	June 1, 2007 Video Games Don’t Make Good Films! There are some things in Hollywood that just do not work. Lindsay Lohan and sobriety, most marriages, Tim Allen trying to take roles that don’t take place in a Christmas setting, and successfully adapting a video game into a movie. Why is this so hard? They can take a 700-page book and trim it down to a two-hour story. Either they are picking really bad video games to adapt or the people involved just suck at life. There has yet to be a quality adaptation (although I have never seen the Resident Evil movies, I hear they are actually watchable). So why do studios keep insisting on producing them? I mean, they screwed up Doom, a story that involves Marines fighting aliens. How is that even possible? Even as I write this, there are numerous video games being developed into movies. They include: Pac-Man – I am speechless at the though of this being a feature film. I’m cringing right now. Halo – The game has an incoherent story with a hero who never even takes off his helmet. Street Fighter II – A sequel to a shitty movie over 10 years old with no story. Only Hollywood would do that. The Sims – Hmm. A movie about a game where you control people to do remedial tasks like going to the bathroom, eating, sleeping, and going to work. Maybe the worst idea of all time. Tekken – THERE IS NO STORY. It is a fighting game, that is it. What are you thinking? Crazy Taxi – You drive a cab from point A to point B dropping of passengers. There is no fucking story here. Pass the crack pipe if you think this makes a two hour film. Everyone has a little geekiness in them. Whether it be collecting superhero dolls, playing dungeons and dragons, watching Star Trek, actually, hold on a second. There is really no excuse to liking Star Trek. That is just lame as hell. So unless you were the kid playing by yourself in the sandbox, you are okay. So yeah, I have played video games since the 8-Bit NES days, and the time investment that gamers put into games with good stories and quality game play is sometimes comparable to a season of television. So when you spend that much time with a well developed story and great characters, it is frustrating to see them get lost in translation every time it is on the big screen. It is the same situation with comic-book geeks. When a medium they love gets the shit end of the stick (Elektra, Fantastic Four, Daredevil, etc.), they get pissed. Fortunately, those types of films are on a roll, video game movies haven’t even got off the pot. Lets take a look at the many failures they have had. Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001) – With nearly a 140 million dollar budget, the movie was a massive flop, earning a paltry 32 million. Not only did it suck, but it caused the studio to lose over a hundred million. ‘Nuff said. Doom (2001) – Another massive flop, finishing with a -$62 million. You have to be special to screw up a plot this simple. House of the Dead (1996) – One of the worst movies I’ve ever seen and also in the 100 worst movies of all time on imdb.com. Directed by Uwe Boll, a modern day Ed Wood, it barely made its 12 million dollar budget back. Wing Commander (1999) – A movie that takes in place in space with massive dogfights casts Matthew Lillard and Freddie Prinze, Jr.? Wow. It finished with -$25 million. Alone in the Dark (2005) – Another Uwe Boll piece of shit. It was one of the lowest grossing movies of 2005, barely earning $5 million, and finishing $15 million in the negative. If Christian Slater ever wants to get back in the game, he should stop doing movies like this. BloodRayne (2006) – You have to see it to believe how bad it is. How in the hell did they get Ben Kingsley to star in this? And Michael Madsen as a long-haired knight? Are you kidding me right now? Uwe Boll’s third movie on this list, it barely earned $3 million dollars. It cost $20 million to make. Boll hired prostitutes instead of extras because they were cheaper. There is also a petition online with thousands of signatures with the hope that Uwe Boll will stop making movies. Super Mario Bros. (1993) – An abomination that barely made half of the $40 million dollar budget back. Has very little to do with the games. Who thought this would make a good live-action film? Double Dragon (1994) – After the huge success of Terminator 2, Robert Patrick’s agent begged him to do this, thinking it would be the next great franchise. It made a total of $2 million. Good choice, Rob. Street Fighter (1994) – Hating a movie as a kid is a tough thing to do, because you like everything. So the fact that kids everywhere thought it sucked balls (including myself), as well as every critic imaginable doesn’t bode well for its sequel (currently in the works). Only in Hollywood. Tomb Raider (2001) and Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life (2003) – I got no problem watching Angelina Jolie bounce around for two hours in a skimpy outfits, but they do not make good movies. The screenwriters that penned the first one have yet to write anything else. When you let douche bags make a movie, it usually sucks. People got the hint the second time around, which is why The Cradle of Life only made half of its $120 million dollar budget back. And the list goes on. With all the failures this genre has had, it is perplexing that studios keep trying to turn video games into movies. If you aren’t going to hire the right people for the job, why do it at all? The track record speaks for itself. Halo fans have hope because Peter Jackson is one of the producers trying to get the game in the right hands. There are a handful of great stories in the video game medium. Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic has a better story than any of the six Star Wars films. But that doesn’t mean they need to make a movie out of it. Studio Execs are like lemmings. When one does something that makes money, the rest follow. It is why movie genres come in bunches. Like Deep Impact, Armageddon, and that stupid volcano movie with Pierce Brosnan. It is the same reason there are 28 comic book movies a year. But when you aren’t making any money, why keep trying? If you try to argue that Pokemon was a good movie you are probably 9 years old mentally. Pokemon has been banned in like 37 countries because they think it represents the devil. Maybe the United States should follow. Hollywood should just stop, but you know they won’t. Especially when one actually turns out to be as good as Batman Begins. Then with the lemming factor, the theaters will be flooded with even more shit movies. Sigh. Tony Liccardello is a critic based in the Midwest. Read Tony Liccardello’s Rant on M. Night Shyamalan Hate. Read Tony Liccardello’s Rant on Going to the Movie Theatre. Read Tony Liccardello’s Rant on Titanic’s Box Office Success. Read Tony Liccardello’s Rant on Lou Lumenick’s Comments on Heath Ledger. Read Tony Liccardello’s Rant on 24 (again). Read Tony Liccardello’s Rant on 24. Read Tony Liccardello’s Rant on The Writers’ Strike. Read Tony Liccardello’s Rant on Video Games. Read Tony Liccardello’s Rant on Entertainment Weekly. Read Clint Fletcher’s Rant on The Last Mailbag Ever!. Read Clint Fletcher’s Rant on Mark Steven Johnson. Read Clint Fletcher’s Rant on The 6th Annual Doughboy Awards. Read Clint Fletcher’s Rant on Shut the Fuck Up and Shoot!. Read Clint Fletcher’s Rant on New Year’s Resolutions – 2007. Read Clint Fletcher’s Rant on Eddie Murphy. 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Read Gary Schultz’s Rant on Superhero Films - Call to Vote. Read Gary Schultz’s Rant on Assholes in the Movie Theatre. Read Scott Jones’s Rant on The Passion of the Christ. Read Paul Rosenblum’s Rant on 28 Days. Read Yancey Strickler’s Rant on movie music. Read Jon Bastian’s Rant on making box office smashes. Got a problem? E-mail us at filmmonthly@gmail.com