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May 2, 2005 SKANK: The Paris Hilton Story!Will someone please explain to me how this two-bit, skank-ass whore blew her way into the spotlight? The first recollection I have of this ugly little twig is during a drunken viewing of Celebrities Uncensored. Those little perverted Paparazzi started closing their segment by showing photos of someone named Paris Hilton. Who was she? All I knew was that she was as skinny as Anne Frank during a fasting ritual and her breath wreaked of ball-sweat. Oh, and she posed for the cameras like someone who’s never owned a mirror. You know the type—like the only fat member of your high school cheerleading squad that no one had the heart to say “you’re a tub of lard, sweetie, and you look ridiculous up there. Everyone laughs at you.” From the get-go, Paris Hilton had no idea that the public laughed at her. And you know what? I think she still doesn’t have a clue. Then the whole sex scandal happened and Paris somehow became a household name. I guess I could see that happening with the press. But what I don’t understand is how the hell she has gained somewhat of a stable acting career. As bad as House of Wax has potential to be, not even the WB cast deserves to be brought down to a level with Paris Hilton. For God sakes, people! The girl is about as smart as Courtney Love on a bad day. If you put her brain into a BB, it would rattle. That’s why I’m not worried if I’m being too harsh toward her, because she can’t read an article if she doesn’t know how to read. The chick has no class, no respect, no good looks, no compassion for anyone, and if you threw her out into the wild she would die within a matter of minutes from starvation—instead of eating the millions of coconuts around her. Paris Hilton is like a bad joke taken waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too far. You guys remember William Hung, don’t you? The joke’s over now. So why is Paris still in the public’s eye? I’m not writing this article to contribute to her press or because I think she’s fascinating. I’m writing this article because I’m fucking pissed that I still have to wake up tomorrow and pass her snot-nosed face every time I flip through a magazine or newspaper to get to the real news. Hell, CNN has been doing reports on her as of late. What gives? Normally I would wish for someone like this to get bashed in the face repeatedly with a tire iron, but that would be doing Paris a favor. I don’t see an end in sight, folks. Hopefully the bitch will realize one day soon that she’s being left out on a huge inside joke that the entire world is in on—and the joke is her. I bet even her own agents know she’s a no-talent skank, but telling her the truth means less money for them. Screw the tsunami victims or the Iraq War, I want this Paris problem to be addressed. Not that I don’t care about what happened during these horrific events, but its kind of hard to appreciate the efforts that our global leaders are making when they’re down-graded to second class news because Paris just bought a new outfit for her hideous little poodle. I will give credit to the photographers though for always managing to catch two ugly bitches in one shot. So here is my plan to rid the world of Paris… First, we contact President Bush by via email. The opening line of that email: “Mr. Bush, we need your help to get rid of some skanky bush.” We will then ask him to tap into Paris’s bank accounts and obtain the money earned from all the cock she’s smoked, including her father. We will then use those funds for something non-whorish, like food for little African children or saving the Orcas. After being financially cut off, Paris will have no choice but to eat her own ego for survival, using Nicole Richie as a beverage. She will then end up in a homeless shelter where she will finally smell the scent of her own kind. No more Paris. Problem solved. I mean, how annoying do you have to be to get a Backstreet Boy to beat you senseless? Hollywood, don’t you see? Unless House of Wax is intended to be a comedy, I would seriously reconsider closing the doors of tinsel-town on Paris for good. I don’t give a rat’s ass how good the ratings are for The Simple Life. The only reason why people watch that show is to catch the reactions of the people that still live in reality and yet come into contact with Queen of the Skank. Who cares if her daddy owns the biggest hotel chain on the planet? This doesn’t matter if she’s a hotel herself anyway. Keyword: ho. Now, we’ve never met, but I would now like to take this opportunity to share a story with you that will forever remain dear to my heart. You guys want to know the real reason why Paris has severed all ties with her lifelong pal Nicole Richie? Well, it seems that a couple months ago, Paris held a private screening of House of Wax for some of her closest fake friends and lovers (but to Paris, I’m sure that’s about 300 people). But in replacement of the new horror movie from Warner Brothers, guests instead got to witness a theatrical version of her porn flick—One Night in Paris! That’s right, folks. Nicole Ritchie, in all her pranking glory, switched the tapes before the lights went down! I could marry that woman right now, big nose included. Nicole Richie, on behalf of Film Monthly and homosapiens everywhere—we salute you. Now get back on your knees… If only we could ship Paris off to The Island of Bad Jokes Gone Too Far along with “The Donald”… the world would be a better place. On second thought, if those two mated it would create the Ultimate Anti-Christ… THERE IS NO GOD! Clint Fletcher is a screenwriter and filmmaker hanging out in Chicago before he makes the big trek to Hollywood. Read Tony Liccardello’s Rant on M. Night Shyamalan Hate. Got a problem? E-mail us at filmmonthly@gmail.com |