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October 1, 2005 Release Date Retards!Because I’m an absolute genius of all things cinema, I will be the first to admit that the release date of a film is a very important decision to make. Selecting a proper date for a movie takes much strategic planning, for the time of year in which a film is released can be a vital key to a marketing campaign. Too bad most of the people who make these decisions are a bunch of stupid retards. It is a proven psychological fact in the medical field that humans experience a different range of emotions simply based on the climate, temperature and time of season. So for specific genres, it should be a no-brainer when to release these films. Take right now, for instance: October is here. In October, we want to see horror movies. In November, we want to see dramas (particularly the mainstream Oscar runners), and in December, we want to see Christmas movies. From January to March, we want to see anything that doesn’t have Ice Cube in it, and from March to May, the romantic comedy season kicks in as a great supplement to our ever-blooming spring sex drives. Then, the summer season should be reserved for big-budget blockbusters, and then the cycle starts all over again. This plan above is what the people want, but certainly not what the people are getting. Instead this is what we get… “Shit films” are released during the Fall and Winter seasons. Also known as “dump films” in Hollywood, these phrases are used to describe the worst of the worst, such as this week’s Into the Blue starring brainless, worthless, talentless Jessica Alba. In October we don’t get scary movies, but rather action pictures and Christmas films. And then in December we get scary movies. Does this make any fucking sense? Nope. I was watching a shockingly good film just today called Serenity. Serenity is a big-budget space adventure that can easily be compared to Star Wars. While the film hasn’t done terrible this week, it would’ve done a lot better had it been released in the summer. If you happen to glance at any upcoming films slate, you’ll notice dozens of bizarre choices, such as the long awaited sequel, The Legend of Zorro, coming out on… Halloween? I first discovered a problem arising about this time last year when the Affleck-bomb Surviving Christmas was released a week before Halloween, and a month later, Seed of Chucky opened a few weeks before Christmas. While both films sucked harder than Lindsay Lohan with Disney execs, their box office draw more than likely would’ve tripled in sales if the idiots in Hollywood would just use some common sense. I don’t want to see Halloween movies at Christmas time, and I don’t want to see any films released during the fall and winter. Hmm, here’s a thought. Instead of making your “shit films” and releasing them in specific seasons, how about NOT MAKING THEM AT ALL?! This isn’t a joke. These are literal terms used in Hollywood by people distributing these pictures and to make matters worse, half of these so-called “professionals” know that they’re making a dump film from the beginning. Word to the wise guys: if you know you’re going to take a massive shit, then don’t go near the toilet in the first place. If you know your movie is going to be so much of a failure that the only home for it is during the failure season, then DON’T MAKE IT. To prove my point even further, with the exception of Serenity, virtually every single film released in the month of September has blown, including Lord of War, Cry Wolf, The Greatest Game Ever Played, Transporter 2, Into the Blue, The Man, The Cave, The Brothers Grimm, The Skeleton Key, Roll Bounce, Underclassman, and anything else with Nick Cannon. How about we try something new… make good movies all year round! YEAH! I’m sure as most of you already know, there’s been a huge slump in ticket sales this year. This slump started back in the winter, and has continued quite steadily since. So just last week, I read an article from CNN about how researchers had spent the past four months entering dozens of chat=rooms and talking to thousands of ordinary Joe Blows and discovered that over 90% of the American population blames the slump on (gasp!) a lack of good movies! Way to go, guys, you solved the case! All of you (yes, you, Hollywood!) should stop searching for the problem and start correcting it instead. Luckily, Fletch already has a three-step plan mapped out. 1) Assassinate Nick Cannon. 2) Give filmmakers more freedom because its obvious the people who green-light movies can’t decipher shit and gold. And 3) Pay attention to your release dates! Figure out the seasonal mood swings of the American people and only then will your film become successful. If only I ran Hollywood… PMS: Happy birthday, Hilary Duff. Call me. Clint Fletcher is a screenwriter and filmmaker in search of Hollywood. Read Tony Liccardello’s Rant on M. Night Shyamalan Hate. Got a problem? E-mail us at filmmonthly@gmail.com |