January 1, 2006

New Year’s Resolutions

12) Send a poisonous fruitcake to Katie Holmes in attempt to prevent the birth of the next Antichrist.

11) Turn all rappers-turned-actors from Hollywood by giving out free chicken and car rims just outside of L.A. Then build a wall surrounding Tinseltown and anyone whose pants are below their ass will be immediately shot. At least they’ll have something to rap about later.

10) Design the nastiest computer virus known to man and unleash its fury among those who send us emails here at Film Monthly with fucking retarded questions. Those who receive this virus will be forced to watch The Perfect Man starring Hilary Duff over their respective computer monitors.

9) Force Paris Hilton to eat shit and die. Not particularly in that order.

8) Suck the Governator off again (and bring a condom this time) so that he may pass a law that requires over 50% of all comedies to be Rated R or higher.

7) Send a free plane ticket to Hawaii to every producer that greenlit a remake this year and unleash deadly snakes on the plane.

6) Find Mel Gibson’s mind for him and deliver it personally to his private island.

5) Take a trip to Africa to find Chris Tucker and lure him back to the States with a giant bong filled with crisp $1000 bills.

4) Delete Hilary Duff from my phone book, for she is now 18.

3) Establish Corky from Life Goes On as the new Head of Marketing in Hollywood, specifically focusing on releasing films during the proper seasons and eliminating shit films released in January.

2) Assassinate Nick Cannon and bury him next to Tupac in my backyard.

1) Kidnap the Presidents of Advertising Agencies all around the US and force them to watch an entire years worth of commercials and television spots inside a movie theater before the actual film (The Perfect Man). They will be provided with unloaded pistols as an amusing tease of relief.

Clint Fletcher is a screenwriter and filmmaker in search of Hollywood.

Read Tony Liccardello’s Rant on M. Night Shyamalan Hate.
Read Tony Liccardello’s Rant on Going to the Movie Theatre.
Read Tony Liccardello’s Rant on Titanic’s Box Office Success.
Read Tony Liccardello’s Rant on Lou Lumenick’s Comments on Heath Ledger.
Read Tony Liccardello’s Rant on 24 (again).
Read Tony Liccardello’s Rant on 24.
Read Tony Liccardello’s Rant on The Writers’ Strike.
Read Tony Liccardello’s Rant on Video Games.
Read Tony Liccardello’s Rant on Entertainment Weekly.
Read Clint Fletcher’s Rant on The Last Mailbag Ever!.
Read Clint Fletcher’s Rant on Mark Steven Johnson.
Read Clint Fletcher’s Rant on The 6th Annual Doughboy Awards.
Read Clint Fletcher’s Rant on Shut the Fuck Up and Shoot!.
Read Clint Fletcher’s Rant on New Year’s Resolutions – 2007.
Read Clint Fletcher’s Rant on Eddie Murphy.
Read Tony Liccardello’s Rant on The Academy Awards.
Read Clint Fletcher’s Rant on 9/11 Movies.
Read Clint Fletcher’s Rant on Kevin Federline.
Read Clint Fletcher’s Rant on The Wayanses.
Read Clint Fletcher’s Rant on Sylvester Stallone.
Read Clint Fletcher’s Rant on Nuggets from the Latest Mailbag.
Read Michael Jones’s Rant on “But I want to…”.
Read Clint Fletcher’s Rant on Snakes on a Plane.
Read Clint Fletcher’s Rant on Jessica Alba.
Read Clint Fletcher’s Rant on George Lucas.
Read Clint Fletcher’s Rant on The Fifth Annual Doughboy Awards.
Read Clint Fletcher’s Rant on New Year’s Resolutions – 2006.
Read Clint Fletcher’s Rant on Santa Fletch’s Mailbag.
Read Clint Fletcher’s Rant on Release Dates.
Read Clint Fletcher’s Rant on Chris Tucker.
Read Clint Fletcher’s Rant on R-Rated Comedies.
Read Clint Fletcher’s Rant on Gems from the Mailbag, Part 2.
Read Clint Fletcher’s Rant on Remakes.
Read Clint Fletcher’s Rant on Paris Hilton.
Read Gary Schultz’s Rant on Superhero Films - Results.
Read Gary Schultz’s Rant on Superhero Films - Call to Vote.
Read Gary Schultz’s Rant on Assholes in the Movie Theatre.
Read Scott Jones’s Rant on The Passion of the Christ.
Read Paul Rosenblum’s Rant on 28 Days.
Read Yancey Strickler’s Rant on movie music.
Read Jon Bastian’s Rant on making box office smashes.

Got a problem? E-mail us at filmmonthly@gmail.com