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September 1, 1999 How to Make a Box Office SmashBox Office success is unpredictable. That major motion picture with big stars and hype on E! may turn into Hiroshima, while the no-budget indie no one’s heard of may stay in the top ten for weeks. It seems like a crapshoot, but it’s not. We here at Cinewebzine labs have analyzed twenty years’ worth of top grossing films. Now, we present our guaranteed formulae so you, too, can achieve the box office returns that Variety calls “Boffo.” 1. Make a Beloved Comedy Star Vehicle Why: Audiences love familiar funnymen (but never funny ladies) up on screen. It’s a tradition almost as old as Bob Hope. When a studio exec gets rotten coverage of a script he or she has already committed to producing, their solution is to yell, “Get me a comedian! Now!” How to do it: Acquire a currently beloved funny person. Cast them in your film, then turn them loose to do their shtick. Proof it Works: Beverly Hills Cop, City Slickers, The Santa Clause, Liar Liar, the career of Adam Sandler (except maybe Billy Madison). Exceptions that prove the rule: Vampire in Brooklyn, What Dreams May Come, anything with Pauly Shore — whose lifetime box office take is less than the average Tom Cruise jackpot. 2. Spend Arrogantly Why: This builds healthy audiences two ways. People who want to see the movie will see it anyway. People who hate you will see the film because they hope it sucks. With everyone going, the hype is self-perpetuating, no matter what the critics say. How to do it: Announce that your movie will be the most expensive ever made. Then, don’t go a little over the top. Go way over. If the most expensive film is currently fifty million, spend a hundred. If the magic number is over a hundred, spend two. As you inflate the budget, announce that all your critics will be sorry and you’ll make a fortune. Spend, spend, spend, abuse your cast and crew, release film and gloat. This is known as the James Cameron Method. Proof it works: Titanic, Titanic, Titanic. Exception that proves the rule: It’s not called the “Kevin Costner Method.” 3. Make a Star Wars Movie Why: Hello? How to do it: Um, well, you won’t be able to before 2005. Chances are, you won’t be able to until well after George Lucas has gone to Jedi heaven and someone franchises out the rights. If you’d thought of this back in 1977, you would have made four films now that had each grossed at least five hundred mil. Proof it works: What century have you been in? Exception that proves the rule: None, but that still doesn’t mean anybody liked JarJar Binks. Corollary: You could always try to be Steven Spielberg, but someone with that name already took the job. 4. Hire an actor named Tom Why: Statistically, a very profitable name. How to do it: contact Tom Hanks’s agent, Richard Luvux, or Tom Cruise’s agent, Ron Meyer, at Creative Artists, 9830 Wilshire Boulevard, Beverly Hills, CA 90212, (310) 288-4545. Be prepared to offer at least twenty million dollars and various perks. You may have to provide a resume, several references and, depending on your credit rating, a completion bond. Script is optional. Proof it works: You’ve Got Mail topped a hundred million at the box office and they’re making Mission: Impossible 2. Both Toms have the weird capability to propel mediocre films into stratospheric box office range. In a decade, Cruise’s films have hit the top-five list six times, and his average box office take is a hundred and fifty-six million. Hanks is no slouch either; he managed four top-five films in seven years. After Titanic, Forrest Gump is the all time highest grossing film not to have the name Lucas or Spielberg on it. Exceptions that prove the rule: Bonfire of the Vanities, Eyes Wide Shut. Corollary: In nine years, Tom Arnold was in only one film that hit the top five. It was called True Lies. See “The James Cameron Method,” above. 5. Recycle Why: Gilligan’s Island would open at number one even if it blew as hard as the rough weather that stranded the S.S. Minnow. How to do it: Acquire a property, preferably an old TV series, comic book or best-selling novel. Bonus points if the series runs on Nick at Night, the comic has a McFarlane toy tie-in or the novel was written by a guy named Crichton. Hire a string of screenwriters to try to jam the thing into a format for which it was not intended, but spend the real money on stars, sets, costumes and advertising. Be sure to sign a pay-or-play deal for the first film and two sequels. Proof it works: One word. Batman. If that’s not enough, can you say The Flintstones, The Fugitive or Grease? Sure, they were all pretty lousy movies, but they were all in the top five the years they came out. Mitigating Factors: Apocalypse Now, The Silence of the Lambs. Unmitigating Factors: Anything with Jurassic in the title. Exceptions that prove the rule: The Phantom, The Shadow, Tank Girl and The Bridges of Madison County. 6. Make a Sequel Why: Many sequels out-perform their predecessors. The first Austin Powers and Ace Ventura didn’t make it into the lofty realm of top-five success. Both sequels did. How to do it: Produce a film that’s moderately successful but that generates huge foreign and/or video sales. Do not make the mistake of being artsy and killing off your hero the first time around. Proof it works: Karate Kid II and Home Alone II were box office champs the years they came out. Exceptions that prove the rule: The Crow II, any title with a Roman numeral higher than seven. 7. Entertain the Kiddies Why: G-rate it and they will come. Even at discount matinee prices (which aren’t that discounted), the typical two and a half child family quadruples the paying audience. A lot of parents won’t go to movies unless they can bring the kidlets. Note: Parents who bring screaming infants to R-rated films should be shot. And no whining about how much sitters cost. You should have thought of that before conception… How to do it: Most successful kiddie films are animated. Get yourself some animation cels, ink and paint, and start drawing. When you’re done, you should have about a hundred and thirty thousand pictures. Film them, one at a time, until you have your movie. Hire voice-over talent to speak for your characters. Remember, Tom Hanks can work his box office magic without showing his face. Also, it doesn’t hurt to have the nice people over at Disney involved. At least, it doesn’t hurt the film. You, the filmmaker, are a different story. They don’t call it Mouseschwitz for nothing. Proof: Disney had your parents in the palm of their white-gloved, three-fingered hand. They’ll have your grandkids, too. Exception that proves the rule: The Black Hole, Air Bud, Doug’s First Movie. Sometimes, even the Mouse can’t chrome-plate shit. 8. Pander Why: “One can never underestimate the intelligence of the American public” — H.L. Mencken. How to do it: Aim low and hit hard. If there were a cute slogan for this, it’d be “guts and gonads get the gold.” The all-time pander champ is Porky’s, a four million dollar little nothing of a film that grossed a hundred and five million back in 1981, when that kind of box office meant something. The only films to beat it that year were Raiders of the Lost Ark and On Golden Pond. What was it that pulled people into theatres? That scary gym coach trying to yank a guy’s pecker through a hole in the shower room wall. Likewise, while There’s Something About Mary was actually a good movie, most people saw it because of one zipper, two balls and some spooge in the hair. Pandering has made great successes out of some rather odd films. Give your audience erections or explosions and laugh all the way to the bank. Proof it works: The aforementioned, plus Smokey and the Bandit, Animal House, Armageddon, Air Force One and the Amityville Horror. Hm. Come to think of it, maybe all you need is to start your film’s title with an “A.” Exceptions that prove the rule: None. If America doesn’t gobble up your exploitation flick, someone else will. Hey, in Asia, they probably think Jackie Chan sucks, but they loved Barb Wire. 9. Hype Why: Say it enough times and it’s true. People do buy hype, even when it’s coming from the filmmakers. That’s why E! exists. How to do it: Pay an assload of money to a PR firm, and pretty soon an Innuit fisherman won’t be able to cut open an ice hole without seeing a poster for your film. Grease a few TV “reviewers” (who are not real critics) with lots of goodies and junkets, and they’ll jerk off all over your film for weeks before it opens. Finally: What has a thousand legs and six teeth? Your test-screening audience, who will drool and say, “Dang, that was the best movie I ever seed.” Leak your top secret 97% score to other studios, and success is assured. Proof it Works: The Blair Witch project. What, you thought they spent the money on the film? Exceptions that prove the rule: Ubiquitous. It’s called backlash. We hope this brief guide has proven useful. Of course, we can’t account for those films that don’t fit our rules but still break records. Neither can studio execs, and it drives them crazy. Let’s hope they never figure out the wildcards. Otherwise, they’d manage to make originality absolutely predictable, too. Jon Bastian is a playwright and screenwriter who works in the TV trade to keep his dogs rolling in kibble. Read Tony Liccardello’s Rant on M. Night Shyamalan Hate. Got a problem? E-mail us at filmmonthly@gmail.com |