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February 2, 2006 George Lucas Is a SelloutMy apologies, my fellow fans. This article is long overdue. And I’m not apologizing to the Star Wars virgins… grr… fans! I mean, the people that actually read my articles. As a matter of fact, since most of you guys spend all your time on the computer and will undoubtedly read this, I urge you to send your hate mail to: starwarsgeeksarefags@hotmail.com so I may use them for a special Sci-Fi Edition of Fletch’s Mail Bag. Let’s get on with the bashing, shall we? I hate George Lucas. I hate George Lucas with a burning, eternal, fiery passion. Why? Because he hates the very people who made him famous and he’s taken his good fortune for granted since the ’70s. First, you have the original Star Wars trilogy. These three classic films rapidly created the most successful franchise of all-time in regards to fan base and box office success. Then, years after the last installment, Lucas re-releases the original three. He then submitted a statement claiming that he hated the Star Wars trilogy because he didn’t get to make them the way he wanted. The new versions in 1997 were re-dubbed with modern digital effects and sound, and some unnecessary deleted scenes were added. Naturally they made another bazillion dollars, thus building the Empire (pun intended) of LucasFilm. Two years later, the first unnecessary prequel was made—The Phantom Menace. Even though it blew ass, the graphics and lightsaber battles were cool and it again made a bazillion dollars. Lucas’s power grows to new heights. Meanwhile, he creates a website called Hyperspace, which features all kinds of inside info on whatever latest Star Wars crap is going on. Oh but get this, he charges a hefty fee for anyone who wants to join. So let me get this straight, you old bastard… You are now in your 60s and you have more money then you will ever see in your life. Despite being a shitty has-been, millions of people worship you anyway. First you turn your back on your three most popular movies by saying they blow ass, and then you insult the people that made you rich by charging them money for a friggin fan site? How about you keep your greedy fucking mouth shut about your own damn movies? If I had made a few movies I didn’t like but they turned out to be a monstrous success, I sure as hell wouldn’t confess about how I hated them. But oh, I’m just getting started, you lightsaber bitch. Not only does he charge money for his little site, he then hires an Army of computer geeks to search for any and every Star Wars picture posted on the internet that isn’t from Hyperspace, and harshly forbids any movie sites to post pictures or confirmed articles without his direct authorization. Furthermore, he then goes on to make a point of his power by refusing to make appearances at comic book and movie conventions. But don’t worry, he still calls all the coordinators of said events to make sure they’re still charging $20 a pop for t-shirts. Gee, I wonder if he realizes he’s the only asshole that charges for promo t-shirts at conventions. Hell, he didn’t even show up to the annual “official” Star Wars convention until this year. So let’s talk about his films for a moment. While Lucas was heavily involved in all three original films, he only wrote and directed A New Hope. He went on to produce Empire and Return of the Jedi but other (more talented) writers and directors took over the majority of the work. Those three films struck box office gold and international fame. We already know that Lucas has complained that he hated the original trilogy, thus releasing countless new versions of them (most recently last year with Special Edition DVDs). Then in 1999, he starts his new trilogy which completely sucks ass, minus the latest—Revenge of the Sith. With this new trilogy, Lucas was the sole writer and director, minus a co-writer for Attack of the Clones. Have you done the math yet? The original trilogy was awesome—Lucas doesn’t have complete control. The new trilogy sucks ass—Lucas has complete control. This means you blow, good sir. You hate your own terrific movies you apparently made by accident and then you go on to make a new trilogy that stunk so bad Paris Hilton’s gynecologist could get a whiff. Sorry, George. The evidence is there. When you’re in control, bad movies happen. Not to mention you didn’t make a damn thing worth mentioning in the 15 years between the two trilogies. Come to think of it, excluding American Graffiti and your producing duties, you’ve NEVER made a good film in your entire life! How does this man gain so much power with such bad material? Because he’s a self-righteous asshole who likes to rip-off his fans. Many of you are probably wondering why I’m just now writing this article. Revenge of the Sith has come and gone so why would now be the time to bring this up, right? There are a currently couple things going on with Lucas that really adds fuel to my fire. The first is his continuation of exploiting the movies he hates for personal gain. After countless re-releases of his precious trilogy, he is now in talks to re-release both trilogies in 3-D to theaters. GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK! You may have the ability to milk the same films over and over, but sooner or later this madness has to stop. What’s next, 3-D Special Edition IMAX Format with Digital Projectors? Mr. Lucas, I beg of you. Step off your high horse of money and power and come back down to Earth. Kick that shit into Hyper-speed and fly back from a Galaxy far, far away. I’ve had enough of Star Wars. Everyone has had enough of Star Wars. If you want to put the films in 3-D then fine. But how about releasing them free of charge, since you’ve already overstayed your welcome? And ‘m not even going to talk about the money he’s undoubtedly receiving for the upcoming Star Wars TV shows, which I actually have some hope for (A New Hope) since hearing he won’t be involved much in the creative process. The second thing is this whole Indiana Jones 4 fiasco. For all you non film-geeks out there, allow me to drop some background info. George Lucas produced the Indiana Jones trilogy and Steven Spielberg directed them. Since Lucas produced and helped create the characters, he partially owns the rights to the Indiana Jones world to great extent. Last year, one of the most prestigious screenwriters on the planet, Frank Darabont (The Shawshank Redemption), wrote a draft for Indiana Jones 4 in which Spielberg and the studio fell in love with. But then the Almighty Lucas read it and hated it. Because of his creative control, he had the right to reject it and he did. Let me clear my head for a moment to process this… Steven Spielberg, one of the most talented directors in the biz, approves of a script written by one of the most talented screenwriters in the biz and the script gets shot down by George fucking Lucas? In my opinion, Spielberg hasn’t made a bad movie in his 30-year career. In everyone’s opinion, Lucas hasn’t made a good movie in his 40-year career. If this makes sense to ANYONE, please contact me so that I can plan your very violent death accordingly. Mr. Lucas, you have the power to make this all go away. You like that don’t you? You like that I said you have POWER. Perhaps the infamous Darth Vader was based on your own personality and inner struggles, for Darth Vader was once compassionate but turned to the Dark Side when he chose to use his power for evil instead of good. But in the end, he brought balance to the Force by turning good again. You can still bring Balance to the human race, George. Call me so we can talk. I’m listed. Opening a phone book is probably beneath you too. You money-grubbing whore. Clint Fletcher is a screenwriter and filmmaker in search of Hollywood. Read Tony Liccardello’s Rant on M. Night Shyamalan Hate. Got a problem? E-mail us at filmmonthly@gmail.com |