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July 2, 2005 Gems from the Mailbag, Part 2!Hello there, dedicated fans, your favorite asshole Fletch here. In case you haven’t noticed, over the past few weeks we’ve started a brand new tradition here at Film Monthly, which consists of pulling ridiculously stupid emails from YOU, the fans, and spending a little time tearing you to shreds. Because, you see, without dumb people, Film Monthly wouldn’t have a fan base. So here’s to you, Mr. Fucking Moron… we salute you. And for those of you who missed the first mail-bag, check it out here___. Let’s get on with the show! From: “Xare” Hello: I’m a Hayden Christensen fan, so, I would like to know if you have got the email address of www.starwars.com official site.I would like to know if you could get it. And finally, if you know about somebody’s mail or messenger (msn) address that has contacted with him. And if you have some tested Hayden Christensen address. So, there are a lot of addresses in Internet, but I don’t know if they are correct, so I want some trustworthy address. And this is my email address: xare@w****.com Write me soon. Thank you very much. Fletch: Hello, Xare. Unfortunately Hayden is too busy being a bad actor right now as he is swamped with upcoming shitty projects, so it may take a while for the “agents” here at Film Monthly to get in contact with him. Although you can imagine our heightened security in regards to giving email addresses out for big stars such as Hayden. We fear that one day some psycho fan will email us and we’ll accidentally give out an address and then the next thing you know our precious site is involved in another star stalker case! This is just the same as me fearing that Hayden may have once beat you out in a Spelling Bee in grade school and now you want to seek revenge on young Sky walker. For that, I apologize, because personally I believe they should let the “special kids” win no matter how stupid they are. And as for the official site for “starwars.com” you may just want to try “starwars.com”. May the retard force be with you. From: “Alfred****” Hello, i have read you article of Lemora: A Child’s Tale of the Supernatural, and i try to find the second poster, but with no succes. Is it possible to send me a bigger pic, pleeease? Many thanks! greetings from Belgium Pascal Fletch: Greetings, Pascal! Now don’t tell me your last name is Crayola because I just might shit my pants! Or is your name Alfred as it says above? If so, how’s Batman? Tell his crazy-ass he still owes me 12 bucks. And speaking of crazy, are you? Because one would have to be a little nutty to think that a busy film site has the time to help little nerd terds such as yourself to find a poster of a movie that no one has seen but you. But since I’m a nice guy and I don’t discriminate against the criminally insane, I”m ‘ing to give you a little push in the right direction. The poster you’re looking for is currently in my ass. My deepest apologies, but we’re all out of toilet paper here. Tomorrow I’ll ship it to you by bus across the Atlantic. According to UPS (Used Posters Suck) it will take 3-5 days. So until then… could you make me a waffle? From: *****de Service Sehr geehrter freenet.de Interessent, vielen Dank für Ihre Anfrage und Ihr Interesse an unseren Diensten und Produkten. Auf diese E-Mail erhalten Sie jedoch keine Antwort. Diese können wir nur dann geben, wenn Sie Ihre Fragen über das kostenfreie Kontaktformular an uns richten. Anfragen können wir ausschliesslich über dieses Formular entgegen nehmen. Nutzen Sie bitte unseren für Kunden kostenfreien Service unter dem folgenden Link: http://online-hilfe.freenet.de Haben Sie Fragen zu unseren Tarifen, so besuchen Sie uns unter: http://tarif.freenet.de Möchten Sie in Einrichtungshilfestellungen stöbern, so öffnen Sie bitte: http://hilfe.freenet.de Noch nicht kostenfrei registriert bei freenet.de? Einfach schnell und kostenfrei anmelden unter http://my.freenet.de Viel Spass bei freenet.de Ihr freenet.de Serviceteam Kontakt unter: http://service.freenet.de Fletch: Sure… we’ll get right on that. Whatever the fuck you just said. From: Sean.T****@hotmail.com> Dear Clint Fletcher, Why do you think that Paris Hilton is such a skank? All those things you said in your article were just downright uncalled for. Do you know her personally? For all you know, she could be a warm, kind and compassionate person. If I were you, I’d watch what you say from now on. Sincerely, Sean Fletch: Paris? Is that you? Ah, I do so love getting personal fan mail. To put it in layman’s terms, Sean, I think Paris Hilton is a skank because PARIS HILTON IS A SKANK. She’s so skanky that flies make it an agenda to pass by her. She’s so slutty that Christian Slater turned her down for a date. Warm? Sure, she’s warm… in fact she’s on fire because her heart is made of coal. Kind? Also true, but only to herself and her bitch poodle. Compassionate? Well, she was on top for most of that porn video so I”ll g’ve you that one too. She’s skanky class minus the “CL.” The point is Sean, that you’re simply just a tool and you defending Paris is like me defending Kevin Costner—there’s just no logic in it. But more importantly, keep reading my articles that you hate so much because even though we don’t give a damn about you, we always want your numbers on our trafficking board. Thanks! From: “Ken Kar*****” Under your Archive A-H, separate reviews are needed for Escape From The Planet of the Apes and, if you haven’t already done so, Conquest Of The Planet of The Apes. Fletch: The funny thing about Ken is that this is about the 12th email we’ve gotten from him about errors on our site (no joke). Thanks, Ken. Once again we can always count on you and your anal-retentive personality to point out every single little technical flaw on our site because God forbid, you go out and actually find A LIFE of your own. May I suggest a girlfriend, they’re always nice. But wait, that wouldn’t work because youd poi’nt out everything that’s wrong with her and then she’ll dump you and then you’re right back where you started, bugging the shit out of us. So I ask you, Ken, where is the solution? Until I find it, how about you take that Type A (Asshole) personality of yours and go beat off to some Planet of the Apes sequels. You probably enjoy those damn dirty apes so much that you even enjoy the Tim Burton version. Now that’s just sick. Clint Fletcher is a screenwriter and filmmaker in search of Hollywood. Read Tony Liccardello’s Rant on M. Night Shyamalan Hate. Got a problem? E-mail us at filmmonthly@gmail.com |