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November 1, 2006 Eddie Murphy: Dead or Alive?Where the fuck has this guy been? Sure, the guy’s still making movies, but I’m talking about the funny Eddie Murphy from the ’80s who made hilarious flicks and wasn’t a fucking sell-out. What happened to that suave black comedian we all knew and loved? Because this guy I see making movies today looks a lot like him and has the same name, but the real Eddie Murphy couldn’t possibly make shit like Pluto Nash… could he? Twenty years ago, Eddie Murphy was a comedic force of which the world had not yet seen. Since the great Richard Pryor, never had there been a raunchier, more balls-out comedian on stage. His sold-out shows in massive locations—as well as his stint on Saturday Night Live—got him the lead role in 48 Hours, alongside Nick Nolte. The flick became a huge hit and led him to other successes, such as Coming to America and Beverly Hills Cop. After a slew of hits over the next ten years, Murphy was at the top of his game with The Nutty Professor. Its around this time that he turned into a complete pussy and not only favored wretched kiddie films, but some shitty adult ones as well. The Nutty Professor was ten years ago, and aside from some voice appearances in the Shrek movies, Murphy hasn’t made a good flick since. Check out the resume yourself—Metro, Holy Man, Life, Showtime, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, I Spy, Daddy Day Care, The Haunted Mansion, the Dolittle movies and a shitty Nutty Professor sequel. I want the old Eddie back, God dammit! I want him to make an R-rated movie featuring every cuss word imaginable. I want him to return to the stage and talk about fucking and boobies and race contrast. I want him to fire his agent, his manager, his publicist, salute the middle finger to Disney and come back to hardcore comedy. If the old Eddie from the ’80s could visit the new Eddie of present day, he would kick the living shit out of him and force him to watch the Beverly Hills Cop movies for the next solid year. Okay, so I’ve seen him in interviews claiming, “I don’t want to make any movies that my kids wouldn’t be able to see.” I sympathize with the man and respect the fact he’s trying to be a good dad, but does this require him to be a steaming pile of vagina? Hell, I bet even his own kids think he’s a fucking pussy. Not to mention the fact that his kids are now teenagers and he’s divorcing his wife for Scary Spice. Perhaps Scary can scare the black back in him and kick his ass into the world of decent movies again. Besides, who the hell keeps greenlighting this guy’s projects anyway? Even his kiddie movies don’t make money anymore. Things aren’t looking good for Eddie. He has a shitty-looking movie called Dream Girls out this Christmas starring fellow failure Beyonce Knowles, and after that he has a comedy called Norbit and Starship Dave, which both sound like space movies, thus reminding me of Pluto Nash and forcing me to vomit. Then its back to kiddie movies with Shrek 3. Man. You know someone’s doing bad when his own race (whom he used to proudly represent in his comedy acts) thinks he isn’t funny anymore. Perhaps this is why Eddie’s wife left him. Come back to us, Eddie, before everyone else leaves too! Don’t forget to check out Clint Fletcher’s other hidey hole here on the web: http://filmmonthlyblog.blogspot.com/ Clint Fletcher is a screenwriter and filmmaker in search of Hollywood. Read Tony Liccardello’s Rant on M. Night Shyamalan Hate. Got a problem? E-mail us at filmmonthly@gmail.com |