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August 12, 2005 Bring Back the R-Rated Comedy!About two weeks ago, I went to my local movie theater here in town to catch a flick. There are 21 different movies playing at this given theater and I know this because I counted to prove a point. The point is this: not one of these 21 films was rated R. NOT ONE. I’m not talking a specific genre here; I’m talking about all genres. Why do you suppose this is? Perhaps its because Hollywood is turning into one big sellout machine? As thousands of R-rated scripts are submitted to studios every year, those few chosen are selected to be rewritten into a watered down PG-13 to gain more profit by the teenage crowd or even worse—the dreaded PG. While many genres out there can successfully pull off an entertaining PG-13, comedies take it up the ass the worst with script rewrites. Nowadays I’m starting to think PG-13 stands for Pussies Galore. Hollywood… GROW SOME FUCKING BALLS. Now, if this article were a script submitted to a studio, the line you just read above would be changed to “Hollywood… gain some guts.” Now the difference between the R-rated version of this line and the PG-13 rated version is the R-rated version is actually funny. People want more raunch and filth in their films. Why? Because the PG-13 representation of a comedy isn’t how it would go down in real life. If I slipped and fell on my ass, I’d shout something like “Shit!” or “God dammit!” or “Fuck!” because this is America, dammit, and in America soldiers fight for our freedom every day so that we can continue to integrate these splendid little words into our everyday language. Hell, those soldiers even cuss while they’re fighting for the right to cuss! That’s how much this country loves cussing. It doesn’t matter who you are or what your background is, you’ve let out a foul phrase at some point in your life. I’m sure even Mother Teresa let out a few “bitches” and “damns” back in her day. Now, there are different levels for all human beings as to how much they cuss, but if you are the Miss Goody Little Two Shoes reading this right now, even you know someone who cusses and have heard most of the words before. So, what’s the big fucking deal, bitches? Most comedies would be better if they had more cussing, more sexual situations and more explicit content. I now bring to you Exhibit A—Wedding Crashers. Wedding Crashers opened three weeks ago with a nifty $32 million, but was unable to beat out Johnny Depp’s shitfest Charlie and the Chocolate Factory from its number 1 slot (sidenote—the movie should be renamed Michael and the Neverland Factory). The next weekend numbers continued to bode well for Wedding Crashers, only dropping a mere 20 percent from the previous weekend. Now you have this past weekend—after 3 weeks at the #2 spot, Wedding Crashers actually climbed upward to number one. Why is this, because it’s a good movie? Perhaps. But I decided to dig a little deeper. I discovered that before Wedding Crashers, there hasn’t been a single R-rated comedy released in theaters for an entire year. AN ENTIRE YEAR. And to make matters worse, in 2004 there were only two R-rated comedies released within the year alone—Harold and Kumar and Team America. For you arthouse fucks out there, Sideways wasn’t funny, so please, no emails. This would account for why Wedding Crashers is making so much money, because the American public is desperate for filth. A similar situation occurred back in 1998 when a dry spell hit for R-rated comedies. After weeks with low ranks on the charts, There’s Something About Mary climbed all the way up to the number-one slot, making it the biggest sleeper hit in years. Now what’s so powerful about the latest Wedding Crashers climb? When it went #1, it not only beat out films that have been in release for weeks, it even beat out three brand new films with large budgets. The PG-13 trio Stealth, Sky High and Must Love Dogs all fell to the mercy of the R-rated comedy. Hollywood, there is your evidence. While you’re on the right track with The 40 Year-Old Virgin and out of your God damn minds with Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, there’s still much work to be done. I’m begging you —bring back the tits and ass! And not just any tits and ass—good tits and ass! Because everything in Hollywood is based on precedent, what typically happens is after an R-rated comedy does well, Tinseltown will then churn out countless rip-offs until the public is blue in the face and then the drought starts again. Its not that we get sick of dirty comedies, we just get sick of bad dirty comedies. Remember American Pie? That movie single-handedly brought back the R-rated comedy. Yet it also spawned shitty imitators like Slackers, Tomcats, Buying the Cow and any other movie starring Jerry O’Connell. For every Porky’s, we get a Porky’s 2. No, we don’t want a Wedding Crashers trilogy. What we want is some original, good old-fashioned filth. So please, guys. Stop looking at the numbers and start listening to the people! Bring back the R-rated comedy! Clint Fletcher is a screenwriter and filmmaker in search of Hollywood. Read Tony Liccardello’s Rant on M. Night Shyamalan Hate. Got a problem? E-mail us at filmmonthly@gmail.com |