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August 2, 2004 Assholes in the Movie TheatreApparently even in this day and age people still do not know how to go to the movie theater and watch a film without pissing off everyone around them. I’m not a quiet guy at the movies. I like to laugh and enjoy myself. I like to get into it and give every film a chance. I saw Spider Man 2 opening night at the midnight screening. It was a packed house full of Spidey geeks and movie lovers of all ages. It was a rowdy crowd that knew when to laugh, cheer and applaud. They also knew how to conduct themselves during the slower more dramatic scenes allowing everyone to watch and listen to the movie without talking or making stupid comments. I thoroughly enjoyed the film and had a blast. I went a week later and saw Spider Man 2 again with a group of friends. I rarely see a movie twice in the theater. We even had better seats this time but I just couldn’t get into the film. I don’t think my friends got into it like they should have either which made all my bragging about how great the movie was look foolish. See the problems were a plenty. First off let me say I am not a parent. I don’t have any kids but I understand that being a parent is a difficult job full of sacrifices and one of those sacrifices should be going to the movies. I thought we were all on the same page here. That everyone knew you don’t bring an infant to a movie. It’s not like a baby is going to enjoy the film or even remember it. I sat and watched the film as this baby cried off an on for the first forty-five minutes. These people actually had the nerve to sit there through almost half the movie while people all around them complained. They finally got up and left but not before taking the top half the theater completely out of the movie. What I’m saying is why would a baby want to watch a film as violent as Spider Man 2 and as a parent why would you want to scare the crap out of your baby? Theaters are so loud and infant ears are so fragile. Why do you think the kid cries every time Doc Oct smashes the crap out of something? I’ll tell you why, because the sound design is loud and designed to sound like boulders smashing together, idiots. If you have kids find a baby sitter or rent a video and stay at home. Consider it one of your sacrifices as being a parent. But it didn’t stop there… the punk ass teenagers to my right decided to sneak beer into the theater. Problems were a plenty indeed. See they got too drunk and brought the beer in bottle form. Halfway through the film they dropped one of the bottles breaking it, causing the entire theater to reek of their cheap ass beer. I’m not talking good cheap ass beer like Coors Light, I’m talking some sunky, stolen from dad’s workshed cooler beer, that was probably warm. Then the girl with them got up and left for like a half hour before returning. I’m guessing she was vomiting in the bathroom or shooting heroin. We all sat there and got to smell their stale beer. When the movie ended everyone was leaving and the two teenagers were both passed out in their seats with beer bottles between their legs. The entire theater exited and we decided not to wake them up and as we left and the ushers were going in. Did they get busted? Do I feel bad? I mean I’m a party guy; I was a teenager and did stupid stuff. No I don’t feel bad, they were idiots. If you want to drink at the movies go to a brew and view. Needless to say Spider Man 2 wasn’t as good the second time around. So here’s what some people haven’t learned so far… turn the fucking cell phones off. This means text messaging too. Unless you’re a doctor or something like that then leave your phone in the car. Everyone’s got voice mail by now. That’s what it’s for. You came to the theater to watch a movie. A trip to the movies is expensive, stay home a talk on the phone. Please don’t bring infants to the movies. I’m not talking about well-behaved five year olds. I’m talking about babies that can’t support their own heads yet. If you’re going to sneak beer into the theater bring it in can form. Think about it idiots, cans don’t break and they’re smaller. You could probably even fit more of them in your pockets. And please for all you jack-asses who like to give your opinion on a movie as you walk out, please, please shut the hell up. One, people waiting to get into the theater don’t want to hear your opinions. Two, nobody wants to hear your opinions, it’s not like you’re a critic. And three, the movie just ended thirty seconds ago, go over it in your head; let it settle with you for a minute or two. Walk back to the car and talk about it then. It’s good conversation for the ride home. Follow these guidelines and you won’t be an asshole at the movies. Gary Schultz is not an asshole at the movies, just in everyday life. Read Tony Liccardello’s Rant on M. Night Shyamalan Hate. Got a problem? E-mail us at filmmonthly@gmail.com |