Short Takes – September 2006

by Clint Fletcher

Television
Good news, the Emmys weren’t boring this year. With lively host Conan O’Brien singing a bit about NBC’s falling ratings entitled “We’re Screwed,” how could it possibly be boring? Kiefer Sutherland finally takes home the gold after five years of nominations, and 24 itself won for Best Drama. Perhaps he’ll stop drinking long enough to enjoy it. Other noteworthy wins include Julia Louis-Dreyfus for Best Actress on The New Adventures of Old Christine, and The Office won for Best Comedy. Now that both shows have won Emmys, they’ll probably be cancelled due to poor ratings. Wow, I guess NBC really is screwed.

Jeremy Piven’s (who also won and Emmy) super-agent Ari Gold was fired by Vincent Chase in the Entourage finale this week. This has sparked rumors on whether Piven will return to the show next season at all. But, during a podcast interview, Piven claims that Ari will still be involved, just with his own plotlines that will eventually intertwine with Vince and the gang. In other Entourage news, Kevin *gulp* Federline will be making a 3-episode appearance next season, following his *gulp* appearance on CSI: Miami. I’m sorry but the world has to be ending. That’s the only explanation for this shit.

Prison Break’s season premiere aired last week with decent ratings, putting the show back in the top ten. It’s also to note that the show’s most annoying character, played by Robin Tunney, got shot in the head, giving much hope for a better second season. Martin Sheen enrolls in a college in Ireland, claiming he never got his college degree, and it’s never too late to go back. Or it could be that since The West Wing was cancelled, the old fart has absolutely nothing to do with his time, at least until his son goes back to rehab.

Speaking of rehab, the Friar’s Club Roast of William Shatner aired on Comedy Central, featuring a “high out of his mind” Andy Dick, who felt the need to lick half the audience, including has-beens Farrah Fawcett and Carrie Fisher. Apparently what we saw was only a quarter of the licking that actually took place. And poor Andy wonders why no one cares about him anymore… (or ever for that matter).

Music
Jessica Simpson busted her vocal chords earlier this month, proving that Dane Cook’s cock really is as big as he claims. Simpson then went on the Today show a few days ago to test out her voice, only to crack at the high notes and beg her assistant for a glass of sperm—I mean, water to clear her throat.

Speaking of retarded blondes, Paris Hilton’s album debuted at a weak-ass #6 on the charts. This means that at least thousands of people still bought said album, and those thousands of people should be shot and killed and thrown in the sewers while we shit on them for eternity. While on the subject of shitty music, Elton John has vowed to make a hip-hop album. He claims he would love to get in the studio with P Diddy and 50 Cent and just see what happens. Poor Elton, that desperate for male attention. But don’t worry, I’m sure these guys will be more than happy to “bust a cap in yo’ ass.”

A forest fire came dangerously close to the Neverland Ranch last week, further proving that even God wants to rid the world of Michael Jackson. Sadly, Michael sent out his Army of little Mexican immigrants to put the fire out before it reached his home. No word yet on whether the Pedophile Ferris Wheel survived. And this week, Barry Manilow reports he is recovering well from leg surgery, but more importantly… who the hell asked him?

Movies
This month must be the month where “stars that no one care about” speak out about issues they have no business talking about because their opinion doesn’t matter. First off, we have Rob Schneider releasing a statement (huh?) vowing that he will never, ever work with Mel Gibson in the future thanks to his recent behavior. Oh Rob, surely you know that was never going to happen anyway. Then, on an exclusive MySpace interview, David Spade hones in on the problems with Hurricane Katrina. That’s right. Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star wants to talk about important issues. Looks to me like the stars of Benchwarmers live in their own little D-list world over there. Did Adam Sandler say you could speak? Then shut the fuck up.

Speaking of people that need to shut the fuck up, Spike Lee is turning into a real Al Sharpton lately, popping up whenever a big event happens and turning humane issues into racial ones. The latest is Hurricane Katrina. A four-part documentary aired on HBO this week directed by Lee, which probably had tons of footage of black people needing to be saved but no one came. You know, it’s funny how guys like him claim they’re out to prevent racism, but all they’re doing is creating it. Instead of making a four-hour documentary to boost your own ego, how about you donate some of your millions of dollars to the Katrina relief effort like other rich people are doing? Still haven’t read any reports that you’ve donated anything, man. Perhaps you’re too busy rolling a Spike Lee joint and bitching (in your million dollar mansion) about how the white man has got you down.

Snakes on a Plane failed to measure up to the hype that preceded it, probably due to the fact that all the major fans downloaded it on opening night. Talladega Nights became a huge hit, bringing Will Ferrell back to the world of bankable stars. On the horror movie front, A Nightmare on Elm Street is getting re-released in theaters this month for two nights only as a part of promoting the new DVD for New Line. The screenings will also feature “Freddy’s Best Kills” from all the Freddy movies so that a whole new generation of teenagers can shit their pants in fear. Also, the long-awaited Project Greenlight horror movie, Feast, finally gets a limited release this month, followed by an unrated DVD release next month. Its funny how Miramax puts purely awful films in wide release and the actual decent films (Feast has great buzz around it and is only getting a two-night release) in minimal release. Keep up the good work, you stupid shits.

Most information is derived from IMDB's daily news, the Chicago dailies (Tribune and Sun Times), Entertainment Weekly, MSN.com, various sources as listed, and by just paying attention.

Clint Fletcher is a writer and filmmaker living in the Midwest.

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