Short Takes – November 2006

by Clint Fletcher

Television
Actor T.R. Knight (George of Grey’s Anatomy) came out of the closet last week despite no one asking him to in the first place. Gee, I thought he was just a loser who couldn’t get any women. Now he’s a loser who can’t get any men. Taking a cue from Knight, former Doogie Howser star Neil Patrick Harris announced he was gay a few days ago as well. I guess when you’re on a failing sitcom, the best thing to do is come out for publicity, right? After all, Ellen DeGeneres’s sitcom lasted at least three more episodes after she came out. Way to go, Doogie.

Speaking of gay men on television, the appearance of John Stamos as a regular on this season’s ER has boosted the show’s ratings tremendously. The ratings are so high, in fact, that NBC has decided to ditch their original idea of splitting the season in two, which was to make way for a new show in its Thursday time slot for Spring. While on the subject of Thursdays, The O.C. premiered this past Thursday night with poor ratings. Fox is contemplating moving the show to Wednesdays to avoid the ever-going Thursday battle of Grey’s Anatomy and CSI for top ratings in the Nielsens. Oh, and new company The CW launched this month, resurrecting 7th Heaven from the dead but sadly, no one has noticed.

Screech from Saved by the Bell made a sex tape called Saved by the Smell, and fans of the show can only hope there will be a Belding blowjob somewhere in there. Featured characters set to make an appearance are Zack Whorris, Smelly Kapowski and Elizabeth Berkley. In other news, NBC’s Kidnapped is cancelled after just three weeks on the air. Word to the wise-when you create a show that directly rips off a movie (Ransom), it would be wise not to cast the same lead cop that appeared in said movie (Delroy Lindo). Moving on to television that doesn’t blow, the trailer for the new season of 24 premiered on the web to a record number of downloads. The new trailer features a bearded Jack Bauer being snatched from a Chinese prison to once again beat terrorist ass in America. No word yet on if the Taliban will be playing themselves on screen this season.

Music
The music world was shocked to learn yesterday that Saddam Hussein has been sentenced to death for his war crimes. This has nothing to do with music, it just makes me happy. Kevin Federline made an appearance on WWE last week to rap for the audience. Upon said rapping, wrestling superstar John Cena appeared and beat the ever-living shit out of him. If wrestling weren’t fake, I’d be smiling up a storm right now. I just love it when false rappers and false athletes come together under one roof.

In divorce news, Whitney Houston has filed for divorce from singer Bobby Brown. In response, Brown had this to say: “What took you so long, you stupid bitch?” Paul McCartney was also shocked to learn earlier this month that his wife was filing for divorce. Sure, you marry a woman half your age and don’t sign a pre-nup. I get it. You’re shocked. Speaking of stupid musicians, Courtney Love is publishing a book entitled Dirty Blonde: The Diaries of Courtney Love. In the first line of the first chapter she had this to say: “Cha, bachewy cha, bachewy cha.”

Also, while living off her dead husband’s money, Love has had the time to say Jew-hater Mel Gibson helped her get sober 15 months ago and has been clean ever since. Except for the fact that she hasn’t. Speaking of Jews, an enraged fan threw a drink bottle at Barbra Streisand on stage at a concert this week striking her in the nose. No word yet on whether or not she’ll look like a normal human being upon recovery.

Movies
Saw III becomes a hit, which has undoubtedly spawned Saw IV: We’ll Keep Sawing as Long as We Make Money. In shitty remake news, shooting on the Revenge of the Nerds remake has been halted due to location issues in Atlanta. Rumor has it that college students in the area believe that a remake of the classic ’80s film is indeed the second sign of the Apocalypse.

The Peter Jackson-produced Halo has been halted due to the fact that none of the studios care about Halo. There’s been talk of a bidding war going on, but the studios may have checked the numbers and realized a movie based on a video game has never made money in the history of time. Speaking of which, a retarded studio in Hollywood is producing a new Street Fighter movie. Nevermind making shitty movies based on present videogames. Let’s start making shitty movies based on shitty videogames that were popular 15 years ago even though one was already made 15 years ago and failed miserably. Many say Raul Julia died of a stroke. I say Street Fighter.

Despite under-performing in the U.S., Warner Brothers has decided to move forward with a sequel to Superman Returns. Returning for the sequel is the homosexual dream team—Bryan Singer, Brandon Routh and Kevin Spacey. Superman Returns Again: Circle Jerk is slated for a 2009 release. In what may be the final nail in the coffin for dignity in Hollywood, a few small studios are joining forces to remake Faces of Death. What was thought by many as 100% reality footage of violent deaths, it was later revealed that many of the deaths were staged, but some were spliced with real footage. Feel free to shoot me and videotape it, guys. Not sure I want to be around when Hollywood takes that final leap into the deep layers of hell.

Speaking of hell, Borat opened to huge numbers this weekend despite being released in half the number of theaters as other new releases. While you feel like you may be going to hell for laughing at the jokes, keep in mind that Jesus would love everyone to see this film in attempt to bring back good movies.

Most information is derived from IMDB's daily news, the Chicago dailies (Tribune and Sun Times), Entertainment Weekly, MSN.com, various sources as listed, and by just paying attention.

Clint Fletcher is a writer and filmmaker living in the Midwest.

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