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Short Takes – March 2006
by Clint Fletcher
After a much unwanted break (cheesy pun intended), Fox’s fan favorite Prison Break returns March 20. To ease the confusion of countless inmates watching from their cells in prison, the first stint of episodes was not the end of season one. Season one still has nine episodes left and will start on the date above. The show will be returning for a second season next year, although inside sources that are close to the producers tell me they have no idea how they’re going to do a season two, considering all the major players will either escape and live happily ever after or be shot and killed during a violent, bloody shoot-out. It was confirmed this week that Elisha Cuthbert will be returning to 24 for a brief arc starting next week, with a two-hour special. Whether she’ll have another run-in with a deadly cougar is still to be determined. And she’s not the only favorite oldie coming back. Television veteran William Devane will be reprising his role as hard-ass Secretary of Defense Heller in the upcoming months to pick up a paycheck and bitchslap Sean Astin a bit.
On the canceling front, Will and Grace and That ’70s Show are closing in to their final farewells as NBC’s Joey is canned for the Olympics. Just to set the record straight-the staffs of Will and Grace and That ’70s Show are retiring. Translation—these shows were not canceled by the networks, but rather the producers decided to end it on a high note. Gee, I thought a high note would’ve been ending That ’70s Show three years ago when it stopped being funny and lost half its cast. Oh, and Joey will be returning after the Olympics, but it’s expected to be cancelled before the end of the season. So all you Friends fans should just kill yourselves now because its…its just over. Speaking of over, The West Wing also got canned due to poor ratings, leaving Jimmy Smits once again unemployed. Ah well. I guess he could always go back to NYPD… *bursts into tears* Oh God!
And after weeks of being ridiculed for driving through L.A. traffic with her baby in her lap (lucky baby), Britney Spears visited New Orleans for Mardi Gras and realized that the city had been destroyed months ago in a deadly hurricane. Feeling distraught that she did nothing to help her own hometown in a time of crisis, Spears took Katrina victims that are students of her old dancing school on a personal shopping spree. Then she burst into tears realizing that they don’t have a Gap in New Orleans. Kevin Federline had no comment on the matter, stating “I’m far too busy being an unemployed douchebag.” Dozens of fans tried to enter a Rolling Stones concert in Argentina yesterday without tickets, and dozens of fans were beat to a bloody pulp by police officers. As the police fired rubber bullets and enforced with water cannons and clubs, the South American fans fired back by throwing stones (no pun intended). Waitaminute… Argentineans like the Rolling Stones? I would expect this at a George Lopez concert but geez, what has that country come to?
Madea marks the fifth shitty movie starring a shitty star IN A ROW to go number one in 2006, following the dreadful Big Momma 2, When a Stranger Calls, Pink Panther and Eight Below. Because of the stupid American public we will now be cursed with—When A Strangers Calls 2: Don’t Fucking Answer and Eight Below 2: Didn’t We Save These Bitches Already? March sees the addition of the two most anticipated films of the year—The Shaggy Dog starring Tim Allen and Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction. I don’t know about you guys, but my faith in the Hollywood system is restored. In other news, an author of a book that no one’s heard of from back in the ’80s is suing the author of The Da Vinci Code for stealing multiple ideas that he claims came from his book. This may cause some delays in the release of the movie, which is scheduled to be released in May, starring Tom Hanks with a mullet. Does anyone else find it funny that this book has been #1 for about ten years and only now is someone coming forward and suing? Give it up, Corey Feldman.
Most information is derived from IMDB's daily news, the Chicago dailies (Tribune and Sun Times), Entertainment Weekly, MSN.com, various sources as listed, and by just paying attention.
Clint Fletcher is a writer and filmmaker living in the Midwest.
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