Short Takes – June 2006

by Clint Fletcher

Television
In the American Idol finale, Jay Leno duked it out with the stupid whore and won. Was there ever any doubt that Taylor Hicks would lose to total phony Katharine McPhee in the end? You bet your ass there was! But more importantly, why does Taylor’s dad look ten years younger than he does? It goes without question that the finale was the most watched of all finales this year, mainly due to the appearances of homosexual superstars Clay Aiken, Ryan Seacrest, Prince and, of course, Simon Cowell.

In other finale news, the great battle between the Alias series finale and the 24 finale ended Monday night, with 24 jumping 12 notches forward placing 8th in the ratings (its usual spot is 20th) while the Alias finale didn’t even crack the top twenty. And O.C. fans sobbed violently last week as Mischa Barton (Marissa) was violently killed off the show in its third season finale. Barton also took it upon herself to ruin the surprise by announcing the death was happening, just hours before the show aired, on Access Hollywood. And rumor has it she wanted out of her four-year contract, resulting in plenty of childish outbursts on the set. Good luck with your “film career,” honey. What’s that movie you made again? Jack Shit?

ABC’s fan favorite Invasion was canceled just days before the supposed “season finale” aired, and since they didn’t have time to go back and shoot a series finale, fans were mighty pissed off and confused at the cliffhanger ending last week. A petition has already started on the Internet to bring the show back. So if you still live with your mother, you might want to check that out here.

On the FX front, the network’s wildly popular Rescue Me kicked off its third season Tuesday night. During the episode, the networks aired a trailer for the upcoming sixth season of The Shield, which has fans terribly confused as to when the official start date is. This next season is also reportedly the last for the cop drama, throwing even more confusion into the mix. Also, for those of you dreamers out there—FX is having a television pilot contest hosted by the network’s president himself. If you send in a half-hour comedy pilot script that they like, they will give you $50,000 to shoot it. For more information go to their website or tune in to It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, the most fucked-up comedy on television.

Expect a quiet summer on the television front, with the only shows worth watching being Rescue Me, HBO’s Entourage and TNT’s hit The Closer. But since all of those air on cable, it will allow for shit like So You Think You Can Dance to shoot up the ratings charts. Enjoy.

Music
Fresh on that Idol Bandwagon comes Taylor Hicks’ first CD, entitled Stop Calling Me Jay Leno. It will feature three singles that were all performed during the Idol season and will hit stores on June 13. In other news, Kanye West and Ludacris won a law suit filed by musicians from New Jersey claiming their hit “Stand Up” was originally their idea and concept. Of course the more famous rappers won because they have more money. A quote from Ludacris: “This whole experience is proof to me of why I will always fight for what I believe in… at least until next week when I go back to not caring about anything except rap and my dread locks.”

Ten jurors returned the verdict after less than a day of deliberations in the two-week trial in U.S. District Court in Manhattan, where they were forced to watch music videos by Kanye West until they cracked. In other news, Widespread Panic is now jumping on the “Movie Theater Concert” bandwagon. They announced last week that performances from their upcoming tour will be broadcast live in movie theaters across the nation.

This concept has become widely popular as WP joins the likes of KISS, Rush, Grateful Dead, Rolling Stones, Bon Jovi and Green Day, who all have deals to air live performances in theaters. Many like this concept because they don’t have to deal with filthy, drunken hippies all day long and can enjoy a nice, air-conditioned, weed-free environment. Currently AMC and Regal have deals to show live concerts in over 850 theaters nationwide.

And yes, Kevin Federline is still pretending to be a stupid-fucking-untalented-white trash rapper. Well, at least the white trash part is true. Kidding. All of it is true.

Movies
According to the public, Mission: Impossible 3 is a huge success. But according to Hollywood, it’s a big disappointment compared to the receipts of the two previous installments, and also considering it didn’t even make its budget back. According to People Magazine, 60-something percent of Americans blame this fact on Tom Cruise’s wacky behavior. Come on, guys. If we based every single film an actor makes on their real-life morality and judgment, there would be no movies left to see. Russell Crowe and Colin Ferrell would no longer be stars, and then who would we read about in the tabloids?

In other news, The Da Vinci Code broke worldwide records even though the movie blew a huge asshole. This is living proof that Tom Hanks could spit on camera for two hours and it would make money. This also has greenlitDan Brown’s prequel, Angels and Demons, which is rumored to have Steven Spielberg attached to it. Slow down, guys. One shitty novel adaptation at a time.

Speaking of records, X3 (I refuse to call it X-Men 3: The Last Stand) broke the record for best Memorial Day weekend opening ever, while also cracking the top five of biggest openings EVER. As for summer flick news, sure-fire hits Superman Returns and Clerks II bump up their release dates, SR now on June 27 and Clerks II now on July 21 (staying clear of Snakes on a Plane). Speaking of Snakes, in a recent poll by Filmthreat.com, Snakes on a Plane is officially the most anticipated movie of the summer, just barely beating out Supes and Pirates 2.

In upcoming movie chatter, comedian Chris Tucker is now the highest paid actor in Hollywood for nailing a $25 million paycheck from New Line to appear in Rush Hour 3, due out late next year. I guess this finally answers the question of where the hell Tucker has been.

Len Wisemen (the Underworld flicks), a.k.a. Kate Beckinsale’s bitch, is in talks to direct Die Hard 4. While this news is not official yet, Bruce Willis has confirmed that the flick will be coming out next summer and Carl Winslow from Family Matters will indeed be making another appearance. No word yet on whether Willis will wear a shitty hair piece or stay bald.

In indie movie news, George Wendt (the fat guy from Cheers) has a horror movie coming out soon called Bryan Loves You. Written and directed by Seth Landau, a former writer for The Arizona Republic, Bryan also stars Daniel Roebuck (The Devil’s Rejects), Tiffany Shepis (Abominable). Stay tuned for the release date.

Most information is derived from IMDB's daily news, the Chicago dailies (Tribune and Sun Times), Entertainment Weekly, MSN.com, various sources as listed, and by just paying attention.

Clint Fletcher is a writer and filmmaker living in the Midwest.

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