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Short Takes – January 2007
by Clint Fletcher
If you don’t have cable you were either forced to watch the already dead Dick Clark on New Year’s Eve or homosexual Ryan Seacrest begging a kiss from Christina Aguilera on another station. Either way, countless Americans made a resolution to gouge their eyes out. Speaking of homosexuals, NBC has a new reality show beginning this month with a nationwide search for the gayest of the gay to star in the latest Broadway production of Grease. So if you suffer from Limpwristicus, go to their website to find out which location to prance to.
NBC has also been planning a Scrubs musical episode, which will air January 18. Everyone should get excited because for one night only, people will actually watch Scrubs again. Meanwhile, former construction worker Rosie O’Donnell and blood-sucking vampire Donald Trump continue in their ongoing feud of public insults. Rosie calls Donald a “snake-oil salesman” and Donald calls her a “fat loser.” Ladies, let me settle this cat fight—you’re both right. Now why don’t you two kiss and make-up? Perhaps Trump could fund another skyscraper project and Rosie could build it?
Despite reports from a recent Rolling Stone article, Tom Petty insists that he’s not retiring, no matter how bad we all want him to. Do what you want, Thomas, we maybe would’ve cared twenty years ago. In other news, a woman who pleaded no contest to trespassing at the Hawaii home of Beatle George Harrison (before he passed in 2001) was found dead New Year’s Eve, apparently the victim of a murder-suicide, police said.
The woman, Cristin Keleher, served four months in jail after she broke in to Harrison’s home while he wasn’t there, cooked a frozen pizza, did her laundry and phoned her mother in New Jersey. No, this isn’t a joke. New Year’s Eve, her body was found next to another man who apparently shot her, then himself. Whether the man was possessed by the spirit of the former Beatle is yet to be determined; however, Egon Spengler is reported to be on the case. This brings me to my next point, boys and girls: don’t ever fuck with The Beatles.
Night at the Museum has become the monster hit of the holidays grossing $130 million so far despite it being a completely humorless comedy. Also doing well is Will Smith’s retardedly titled The Pursuit of Happyness, which has already cleared $100 million, thus proving the evolutionary theory that Smith could spit and it would make a gazillion dollars.
The teaser trailer for Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer That No One Gives a Shit About Because He’s Boring hit the net this week. The producers have also decided to bump up the flick’s summer release date to steer clear of the deliciously wicked-looking Live Free or Die Hard, opening July 4.
Julia Roberts is expecting her third child with cameraman nobody Danny Moder, and perhaps if she starred in a movie sometime in the next decade this would be bigger news. Speaking of actresses who are probably pregnant, Lindsay Lohan “accidentally” leaked an email on the net where she’s quoted as calling all the strippers of the world “whores.” Then this week she released a statement apologizing and stating “what I meant to say was I’m a whore, and I would make a perfect stripper if I weren’t so damn, coke-snorting anorexic.”
A sequel to Silent Hill was confirmed last week despite the violent rioting against sequels to shitty movies. I blame Lindsay Lohan, that skank has to be somehow connected to this. On the more classy side, the Golden Globe nominations were released at the beginning of the month. There were no surprises revealed, minus the fact that Jennifer Hudson (the real lead in Dreamgirls) got snubbed for Best Actress in exchange for Beyonce Knowles. What’s next? Steven Seagal snubs Denzel Washington for Best Actor? Just stop and think for a second at how awesome that would be. Happy Jew Year everybody!
Most information is derived from IMDB's daily news, the Chicago dailies (Tribune and Sun Times), Entertainment Weekly, MSN.com, various sources as listed, and by just paying attention.
Clint Fletcher is a writer and filmmaker living in the Midwest.
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