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Short Takes – February 2007
by Clint Fletcher
There weren’t too many surprises at the Golden Globe or SAG awards. The only break in pattern from the Globes to the SAGs was the lovely Chandra Wilson winning Best Actress for her portrayal of Doctor “Nazi” Bailey on Grey’s Anatomy. You go, girlfriend. In other completely shocking news, Muslim leaders are once again trying to pull the plug on this season’s 24 for inaccurately portraying Muslims as terrorists. I guess it doesn’t matter that 24 has already covered Americans, Mexicans, African-Americans, Europeans, Kosovoians, Chechens, Russians and Carrot Top as potential terrorists.
Evangeline Lilly says that she’s glad her Hawaii house accidentally burned down. According to the Lost star, “It was a blessing in disguise. It feels so pure and refreshing to have no possessions.” Honey, next time let’s remember all the Katrina victims in the world and not act like a stupid, ungrateful bitch, kay? In other news of the unnecessary, the three-hour yawn-fest known as The Today Show announced that they will be expanding to four hours. It will now take us ten minutes longer to fast-forward our TiVos to the actor interviews. Communist bastards.
Despite low ratings, Scrubs saw a resurgence with its musical episode last Thursday, thus giving fans hope that they will extend the show’s run past this season. Waitaminute, Scrubs was supposed to end this year? See? No one even reads news about this show anymore. Perhaps JD needs to call Doctor Cox a faggot to get publicity. Meanwhile, the David Boreanaz-starring Bones is still on the air, despite God’s wishes.
The Police have been toying with the notion of getting back together despite Congress and the American public voting against it. Alright, so I guess this is big news twenty years ago. Boys, feel free to go out like Mick Jagger and embarrass yourselves all you want because let’s face it- anything can be entertaining when you’re high. And its official—the Smashing Pumpkins’ reunion tour has begun! Now if only they could get Brandy to join. Then they could call themselves the Smashing Cars.
Apparently, Cameron Diaz is such a pathetic girl that she’s decided to move back in with her parents after her recent split from Justin Timberlake. Despite being old enough to be Timberlake’s mother, she still requires the company of her mommy, a Shirley Temple and a teddy bear to get over a harsh break up. Now, now, Ms. Diaz. This sort of behavior certainly won’t be bringing sexy back. HAHAHAHA!!!
Speaking of The Departed, it was announced that writer William Monahan has been hired to write a treatment for a sequel, thus dooming any chance for original ideas in the future once and for all. The sequel would focus on Marky Mark’s character and is sure to feature lots of cussing and yelling. But these days, I guess that’s all you have to do to get nominated for an Oscar… No word yet on whether The Funky Bunch will have cameos.
Other Oscar shocks is the snubbing of Dreamgirls (or so I’m told) for Best Picture and Sacha Baron Cohen for Best Actor. I don’t see why any of this matters, anyway, considering Helen Mirren will be winning every major award for the evening, including Best Documentary, based on her three-hour acceptance speeches.
It is reported that Sean Connery is considering reprising his role as Harrison Ford’s father in Indiana Jones 4. Heaven forbid Connery would actually jump at the chance to be in a blockbuster for the first time since Christ was born. But if he does decide to join Ford for another go-around, I believe the writers of Grumpy Old Men will be suing over copyright issues.
Epic Movie and Stomp the Yard While You Got Served became hits this month. The next sign of the Apocalypse is flooding I presume. Meanwhile, white corporate America will stay home from the cineplex until this month’s Ghost Rider. And with Night at the Museum being a huge hit, Meet the Little Focker just got green-lit despite no one on this Earth wanting to meet a little Focker. Marlon Wayans will be playing the face of the baby and Robert DeNiro will direct, turning it into a four-hour napping session about the CIA.
Most information is derived from IMDB's daily news, the Chicago dailies (Tribune and Sun Times), Entertainment Weekly, MSN.com, various sources as listed, and by just paying attention.
Clint Fletcher is a writer and filmmaker living in the Midwest.
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