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Short Takes – December 2006


by Clint Fletcher


Television
Michael Richards is a racist, but apparently that’s the way to go. His star has never shined brighter, even during his Seinfeld days. I really hope Frasier calls a Mexican a “wet back” soon so people will pay attention to him again. Not to mention Mel Gibson is still out there fussing about the Jews, because, of course, his movie is coming out this week. What timing these bigots have.

Danny DeVito gets drunk and goes on The View. He spends most of his time bashing Bush, and has the audacity to skip over Barbara Walters being older than Jesus, and Rosie O’Donnell being an obnoxious cow. Shame on you, Danny. Though granted if I looked like Danny DeVito and haven’t made a good movie in a decade, I would be drunk 24 hours a day.

Prison Break actor Lane Garrison (Tweener) was involved in a car accident in L.A., which resulted in the death of a 17-year-old boy. While early reports indicate alcohol was to blame, Garrison shows no signs of worry, for if he gets sent to jail Michael Scofield will soon break him out. In other tragic news, The O.C. actors Adam Brody and Rachel Bilson have officially split. Neither actor has commented about the reasons behind the break-up, but the public has a pretty good indication that the cancellation of their show had something do with it. What’s that? The O.C. is still on?

NBC’s Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip has just been picked up for a full season. Why? Because it’s a damn good show, that’s why. If you haven’t tuned in yet, you’re simply going to hell. Monday nights, after Heroes. Be there.

Music
Amid reports that they had the healthiest marriage imaginable, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline called it quits earlier this month. Miraculously, within 48 hours Spears lost 200 pounds and appeared on The Late Show to show off her new bod. Since then she’s been flashing her beaver all over town with Paris Hilton. Do all these stupid whores have the same publicist? First Hilton, then Lohan, now Spears? Whenever they’re not front page news anymore, they open their lips when no one asked them to. I know what genital herpes looks like, thank you.

Speaking of STDs, after just four months of marriage, Pam Anderson has filed for divorce from Kid Rock, placing the couple in the “No Shit, Sherlock” category. In other depressing news, despite reports that Keith Urban is out of rehab, it turns out he’s still a junkie after all. While photographers caught glimpses of Urban and wife Nicole Kidman eating lunch, apparently they were just taking a break from “Hollywood Rehab,” where people can leave whenever they want to go have a drink or score some more drugs. All of this is in violation of a pre-nup contract Kidman had Urban sign that says if he ever goes back to rehab, she’s entitled to everything. She needs to divorce him, get depressed again and win another Oscar. Surely that will make her feel better.

Movies
According to Frank Darabont, Indiana Jones 4 will probably never happen thanks to the Almighty George Lucas, who didn’t like Darabont’s script despite Steven Spielberg praising it. All of us film geeks have been under the impression that the film was being re-written under a new writer, but during an interview with Darabont earlier this month he claims that Spielberg and Lucas will probably never reach an agreement. Hmm. Saving Private Ryan or Attack of the Clones? You decide.

In other bad sequel news, Eddie Murphy is going ahead with plans to make a Beverly Hills Cop 4. No word yet on whether any of the animals in the movie will talk. Beverly Hills Cop 4 will be rated G and probably produced by Disney. Whenever Wesley Snipes returns to the U.S., he will be going to jail. According to a federal judge, Snipes is hereby ordered to turn himself in for tax fraud. The judge also claimed that if Snipes returns and does not turn himself in, Tommy Lee Jones will be unleashed to hunt him down.

Legendary director Robert Altman died last week. There’s no joke here, this just makes me sad.

A judge has sentenced a young man to jail for movie piracy. The man, who three years ago recorded the movie The Core with a camcorder inside a theater, will spend seven years in prison making this the harshest punishment ever for movie piracy. In a statement released by the judge: “He recorded The Core. That’s the shittiest movie anyone could have ever picked, and he’s going to jail for it.”

Most information is derived from IMDB's daily news, the Chicago dailies (Tribune and Sun Times), Entertainment Weekly, MSN.com, various sources as listed, and by just paying attention.

Clint Fletcher is a writer and filmmaker living in the Midwest.



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