Short Takes – August 2006

by Clint Fletcher

Television
The Emmy nominees were announced last week. Leading the pack are fan favorites 24 and Grey’s Anatomy. Both Lost and Desperate Housewives—who have dominated the Emmys for the past two years—were both shut out of all major awards. Not one stupid whore from Housewives got nominated. Could this mean I’m actually going to enjoy the Emmys this year without seeing a drunken Teri Hatcher trip over her own saggy boobs? Speaking of Desperate, the day after the show discovered they were shut out, producers released a statement saying that the next season is going to be much better than the previous yawn-fest. They even mentioned that there is an upcoming episode involving a hostage situation where one of the main characters is killed off. If its anything like Survivor, the most annoying will be the one voted off… this could be the most difficult decision in the history of man.

ER has a new retarded plan to boost ratings this year—they’re splitting their season in half. The first half will be shown from September-Christmas with consecutive episodes, then they will return in April to finish out the season, making way for a new shitty show to take its place in between. But Uncle Jesse has joined the cast, so they’ve already lost their core viewers. Kevin Bacon is lined up to direct the season finale of The Closer, as he is Kevin Fucking Bacon and he can do whatever he wants. This will be the eighth time he’s worked with his wife (star Kyra Sedgwick) and the third time where Bacon directs her. Unless they’re counting the bedroom where he has directed her to choke on his bacon more times than anyone can count.

Star Jones is leaving The View, leaving some much-needed weight support on the stage for Rosie O’Donnell. I never really found Star Jones to be all that famous, yet wherever I turn, I see her in the news. Why? Listen, honey, people don’t care what you have to say anymore than we do the Housewives girls. You may be a lawyer, but you’re also fat. Wait a minute, you had all those surgeries and now you’re skinny, right? I liked you better when you were blocking the sun. At least then you would make the front page of Weight Watchers Magazine. Happy eatings, you shriveled prune!

On the opposite end of the spectrum, anorexic whores Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie, who have somehow managed to stay on the same show while ignoring each other, have decided to make amends publicly on Letterman in September. After a ten-minute make-out session, they will compare anorexic stomachs on live television as Paul Shaffer will be the only one spared of this horrific event (he’s blind right?). Meanwhile, Letterman will just stand there laughing with his old self while silently figuring out how he’s going to stay alive until his son’s preschool graduation.

Music
Lance Bass is gay. What a shocker. A member of a boy-band… gay? MADNESS! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the most popular boy-band on the planet has yet to be discovered. The first time five guys get together and openly admit that they’re gay and blow each other on a regular basis, THAT will be the most successful boy-band of all time. Hell, they could even have a catchy name like Circle Jerk. This is why the Backstreet Boys are still in the closet- they only bang each other. But after Ellen, when your career is going down the shitter all you have to do is tell the world that you’re gay and you’re back on top… of men. Come on, now. His name is LANCE people and his last name has ASS in it.

MTV turned 25 yesterday, marking its 10th year of running a music-less network. According to the company, Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” is still the most-watched video of network history, probably because it’s the only video where he’s still black. Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson kicked off the first stage of their White Trash Wedding Tour this week. Their plan is to marry four times in four different locations, starting on a yacht. And we all know what happens when Pam gets drunk on a yacht. Bad things happen—like Tommy Lee’s kids.

While we’re talking about the skankiest sluts imaginable, Carmen Electra is divorcing rocker-husband Dave Navarro. Didn’t see that one coming at all. They were my rock in Hollywood, that true couple that I really expected to make it. How is Carmen Elektra still famous again? Does she have a television show that no one knows about? Speaking of break-ups, Prince filed for divorce from his second wife this week. And get this—the blatant homosexual singer has denied being married to her for nearly the past decade. I guess the cat’s out of the bag now, you crazy fruit, you. Hey Prince… Lance Bass is single.

Movies
Pirates of the Caribbean became the biggest movie opener of all-time and Lady in the Water became Shyamalan’s biggest flop of all-time. You mean Paul Giamatti can’t sell a movie? Just look at Sideways and its $800 opening. Colin Farrell’s stalker takes things to a whole new level by charging the stage during a taping of Leno. Apparently she was trying to serve him court papers—again. The woman had attempted to sue him for stalking her via phone calls and emails last year and now she’s at it again. Yet when you go to this woman’s website you’ll find that she’s written a book on Farrell and even created an alcoholic drink named after him. Hey, crazy lady—Prince is single.

Warner Brothers announced yesterday that Heath Ledger will be playing the Joker in the upcoming sequel to Batman Begins. They also released the official title: The Dark Knight. I was shocked. I was rooting for Brokeback Batman. Catchy, yeah? In other superhero news, with all the excitement of Aquaman on the fictional television show Entourage, life may soon be imitating art. The show has James Cameron directing a big-budget Aquaman movie with fictional character Vincent Chase as the star. But with all the buzz going around and the fact that the recently released Aquaman pilot became the most-watched event on iTunes ever, rumors are all over the place that a big budget movie is on the way. The best rumor yet is James Cameron contacting Mark Wahlberg (show creator) and saying, “Why don’t we really do an Aquaman?” Sure, everyone forget the fact that Aquaman would make a shitty movie and that Cameron lost his mind a long time ago. Although, anything to do with putting gay men under water really floats Cameron’s boat. Perhaps it will really happen.

While we’re on the subject of directors losing their minds, Mel Gibson was arrested for a DUI last week. No big deal, right? Actors get DUI’s all the time. But then Mr. Gibson just had to release a long statement claiming he’s been an alcoholic for a while and that he’s hanging on by a thread. Gee, Mel, the whole thing would’ve blown over if you had just held back. Eager to get back on the front page, are we? Throwing fuel into the fire, the police released their official statement to the public on the incident. It states that Gibson shouted tons of anti-Semitic and sexist remarks in a drunken rant such as “the Jews are responsible for all the problems in the world” and calling a female officer “sugar tits.” I don’t know about you guys, but I think Mel Gibson is my new hero.

Most information is derived from IMDB's daily news, the Chicago dailies (Tribune and Sun Times), Entertainment Weekly, MSN.com, various sources as listed, and by just paying attention.

Clint Fletcher is a writer and filmmaker living in the Midwest.

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