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Short Takes – August 2006
by Clint Fletcher
ER has a new retarded plan to boost ratings this year—they’re splitting their season in half. The first half will be shown from September-Christmas with consecutive episodes, then they will return in April to finish out the season, making way for a new shitty show to take its place in between. But Uncle Jesse has joined the cast, so they’ve already lost their core viewers. Kevin Bacon is lined up to direct the season finale of The Closer, as he is Kevin Fucking Bacon and he can do whatever he wants. This will be the eighth time he’s worked with his wife (star Kyra Sedgwick) and the third time where Bacon directs her. Unless they’re counting the bedroom where he has directed her to choke on his bacon more times than anyone can count.
Star Jones is leaving The View, leaving some much-needed weight support on the stage for Rosie O’Donnell. I never really found Star Jones to be all that famous, yet wherever I turn, I see her in the news. Why? Listen, honey, people don’t care what you have to say anymore than we do the Housewives girls. You may be a lawyer, but you’re also fat. Wait a minute, you had all those surgeries and now you’re skinny, right? I liked you better when you were blocking the sun. At least then you would make the front page of Weight Watchers Magazine. Happy eatings, you shriveled prune!
On the opposite end of the spectrum, anorexic whores Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie, who have somehow managed to stay on the same show while ignoring each other, have decided to make amends publicly on Letterman in September. After a ten-minute make-out session, they will compare anorexic stomachs on live television as Paul Shaffer will be the only one spared of this horrific event (he’s blind right?). Meanwhile, Letterman will just stand there laughing with his old self while silently figuring out how he’s going to stay alive until his son’s preschool graduation.
MTV turned 25 yesterday, marking its 10th year of running a music-less network. According to the company, Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” is still the most-watched video of network history, probably because it’s the only video where he’s still black. Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson kicked off the first stage of their White Trash Wedding Tour this week. Their plan is to marry four times in four different locations, starting on a yacht. And we all know what happens when Pam gets drunk on a yacht. Bad things happen—like Tommy Lee’s kids.
While we’re talking about the skankiest sluts imaginable, Carmen Electra is divorcing rocker-husband Dave Navarro. Didn’t see that one coming at all. They were my rock in Hollywood, that true couple that I really expected to make it. How is Carmen Elektra still famous again? Does she have a television show that no one knows about? Speaking of break-ups, Prince filed for divorce from his second wife this week. And get this—the blatant homosexual singer has denied being married to her for nearly the past decade. I guess the cat’s out of the bag now, you crazy fruit, you. Hey Prince… Lance Bass is single.
Warner Brothers announced yesterday that Heath Ledger will be playing the Joker in the upcoming sequel to Batman Begins. They also released the official title: The Dark Knight. I was shocked. I was rooting for Brokeback Batman. Catchy, yeah? In other superhero news, with all the excitement of Aquaman on the fictional television show Entourage, life may soon be imitating art. The show has James Cameron directing a big-budget Aquaman movie with fictional character Vincent Chase as the star. But with all the buzz going around and the fact that the recently released Aquaman pilot became the most-watched event on iTunes ever, rumors are all over the place that a big budget movie is on the way. The best rumor yet is James Cameron contacting Mark Wahlberg (show creator) and saying, “Why don’t we really do an Aquaman?” Sure, everyone forget the fact that Aquaman would make a shitty movie and that Cameron lost his mind a long time ago. Although, anything to do with putting gay men under water really floats Cameron’s boat. Perhaps it will really happen.
While we’re on the subject of directors losing their minds, Mel Gibson was arrested for a DUI last week. No big deal, right? Actors get DUI’s all the time. But then Mr. Gibson just had to release a long statement claiming he’s been an alcoholic for a while and that he’s hanging on by a thread. Gee, Mel, the whole thing would’ve blown over if you had just held back. Eager to get back on the front page, are we? Throwing fuel into the fire, the police released their official statement to the public on the incident. It states that Gibson shouted tons of anti-Semitic and sexist remarks in a drunken rant such as “the Jews are responsible for all the problems in the world” and calling a female officer “sugar tits.” I don’t know about you guys, but I think Mel Gibson is my new hero.
Most information is derived from IMDB's daily news, the Chicago dailies (Tribune and Sun Times), Entertainment Weekly, MSN.com, various sources as listed, and by just paying attention.
Clint Fletcher is a writer and filmmaker living in the Midwest.
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