Short Takes – March 2007

| March 1, 2007

Televangelist Ted Haggard announced a couple weeks ago that he is now “completely heterosexual” just weeks after being caught with a male prostitute. According to Haggard, it only took just three weeks of religious counseling to get him off the cock forever. When asked for a statement as to why he decided to commit an act that he firmly believes will send him to Hell, Haggard replied with “Christ, guys, meth is a hell of a drug.”
Paris Hilton was pulled over this weekend for speeding without any headlights on, further proving to the world that she makes the mentally retarded look like Harvard grads. She was then written a ticket for driving with a suspended license and being an ugly whore in public. In other news, all hell is still breaking loose on the Grey’s Anatomy set. First it was announced by ABC that actress Kate Walsh would be leaving the show to star in her own hospital spin-off with the same character (Addison Sheppard). Her co-star is reportedly Taye Diggs, which means it will be canceled, quite possibly in the middle of the first episode.
Then word comes of Katherine Heigl (Izzie Stevens) trying to negotiate for more money. In a statement released, she claims that her other co-stars are being favored over her and that she should be paid more for being a stuck up bitch. Never mind the fact that you get more screen time than any other actress or that you’re on the NUMBER ONE SHOW ON TELEVISION. But sure, let’s get ABC to throw out your contract you signed and start a new one. We wouldn’t want you to leave the show so soon and become a nobody in the film world.
The O.C. ended in a very different way than when it began- with no viewers. With basically no marketing campaign and not much respect from Fox, The half-assed O.C. finale ended last Thursday with about the same amount of viewers its had all season, which isn’t much. This could’ve been because Fox didn’t give it the hype it deserved, which includes denying the show a two hour finale instead of just one hour. Ah well. I guess it just wasn’t as popular as Standoff, Ghost Whisperer, CSI: New York, Jericho, Numb3rs, Bones, Crossing Jordan, Las Vegas, Boston Legal, Brothers and Sisters, Men in Trees, The Nine, Six Degrees, What About Brian, Gilmore Girls, One Tree Hill and 7th Heaven. Wait… no one watches those shows either? Well, fuck me sideways.
Speaking of which, rumor has it rookie network The CW tried to resurrect The O.C. on their network, much like they did 7th Heaven. Sounds good, guys. Let’s bring M*A*S*H and Dallas back while we’re at it. And why hasn’t 7th Heaven been changed to 2nd Heaven: Just Die Already? There’s only two original cast members left! And in other news of unwanted television, dying network NBC just signed a six-episode deal for a reality show that would focus on the Beckhams’ big move to the U.S… because apparently six hours of emotionless, anorexic whore Posh Spice is exactly what this country needs.
We all thought Britney Spears went nuts back when she married Kevin Federline and spawned two Anti-Christs, but apparently she was only on Level 1 of “Crazy-Ass Bitch.” Last week she went to a local salon and shaved her own head in front of a platoon of paparazzi. She then spent the next few days bitching about how pictures of her new haircut were circulating on the internet. Perhaps next time you shouldn’t go to a salon with a front entrance made of glass, you CRAZY-ASS BITCH. And far be it for anyone to ask you to stay in rehab for more than 24 FUCKING HOURS! Despite what Lohan has told you, rehab ain’t the Ritz-Carlton. Perhaps they kicked her out because of her music. God knows I would.
Speaking of has-been singers gone loony, Paula Abdul releases a statement last week that says, “I’ve never been drunk in my life.” This is despite the fact that she’s shit-faced drunk during every single episode of American Idol. Paula Abdul should date Ted Haggard. And while we’re on the subject of American Idol sluts, what’s the big deal about these nudie photos of that one contestant? After spending three hours of my time to search for the so-called “racy photos,” I was shocked to discover that all everyone’s talking about are fucking bikini pictures! In this logic, every female in America has a nudie photo on the web somewhere.
Bobby Brown was arrested again this week for being Bobby Brown. After failing to show up at a child support hearing, Brown entered the state of Massachusetts (from which he was banned from because he’s crazy) and got picked up by police at his child’s school. This sort of thing kind of makes you wonder–how many times can a dumbass celebrity get arrested and tried before a judge finally throws them in jail for good? Perhaps when he murders Whitney Houston? Or even after that? Just look at OJ.
Despite having the funniest host in years (kudos to Ellen Degeneres), the Oscars still failed to be shorter than seven hours long. There weren’t many surprises, except Alan Arkin scoring the best supporting actor award instead of Eddie Murphy… but gosh am I glad he did. Why? Because I knew Murphy would throw a hissy fit–and he did. Murphy reportedly stormed out just seconds after the winner was announced and failed to appear at a few Oscar after-parties he was supposed to attend. His bullshit expert (a.k.a. publicist) tried to cover for him by saying, “He was planning to leave anyway. He left after he won at the Golden Globes.” This fact would be true except he didn’t leave after the Golden Globes. Man, these press releases are getting more ridiculous by the hour. This is what you get for Norbit, and you’re a cancer to society.
Reese Witherspoon has reportedly fired her current agents and moved on to another top agency in Hollywood. There was no reason given as to why the switch was made, but we all have a pretty good idea it had something to do with Legally Blonde 2: Red, White and Blonde. Now personally I don’t see what all the fuss is about with Anna Nicole Smith dying (Playmate coke whores die every day), but if you want to check out her last movie, entitled Illegal Aliens, MTI Home Video is releasing the DVD this May.
Former Hollywood madam/ho-bag Jody Gibson released a book this week detailing all her skanky escapades in tinsel town. According to the STD-filled hooker, Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck were on her client list at one point. I guess the psychological damage of Armageddon was far worse than we could’ve ever imagined with the action duo. Elsewhere, Lindsey Lohan got drunk at a bar on her last day of rehab. Her publicist says “She will continue as an outpatient. She will take it day by day. She’s in it for the long haul, and she asks that her privacy be respected.” Except that she’s not in it for the long haul, SHE WAS FUCKING DRUNK AT A BAR. I wonder if all the publicists in the world could fit into one gas chamber…
Jeff Goldblum has issued a restraining order on a woman he trained at an acting school. According to the nerdy actor, the woman has shown up at his house uninvited over 50 times. Psychiatrists believe she suffers from amnesia and is forever stuck back in 1996 when people actually gave a shit about Jeff Goldblum. Speaking of nerds, Trek fans are rejoicing hard this week as J.J. Abrams announced that he will be writing and directing the next installment in the Star Trek franchise. For those of you that aren’t film buffs, this would be similar to Steven Spielberg directing Cheaper by the Dozen 3. Think about that for a second.

About the Author:

Filed in: Shorts

Post a Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.