by Laura Tucker
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I had a couple of reasons for wanting to see College. For one, I thought it would be really funny, something along the lines of a Superbad, and for another, I was really curious to see little Kevin Covais all grown up. He was a finalist on American Idol a few years ago, the guy that was referred to as “Chicken Little.” By the end of the film, my curiosity about Covais was satisfied, but not my hunger for a little juvenile humor. It was juvenile, yes, but not really that funny.
Covais stars along with Nickelodeon’s Drake Bell and Andrew Caldwell as three high school seniors. Kevin (Bell) is a budding photographer and looking forward to attending a college where he can explore that, but more than that he just wants to be wherever his girlfriend is. Morris’ (Covais) college track is to attend any school that his parents feels is best for his academic prowess, and Carter’s (Caldwell) only plan is to go to whichever school is going to get him the full college experience of getting laid and getting drunk, not necessarily in that order, and to go to Fieldmont University, as that’s where his older brother is legacy.
Morris ends up with a scholarship interview at Fieldmont, so the three guys decide to spend a weekend at “F U,” exploring the campus. While Morris is concentrating on his interview, Carter is just looking for the party. Kevin’s focus changes, as while he had intended on being serious about pursuing photography at this college, his girlfriend breaks up with him just before they leave, saying she wants to have fun and is tired of him always being so boring.
Getting to the college, the boys check in with a dorm they’re assigned to, but turn away in a hurry after finding the guy that’s living in the dorm room in what seems like compromising situations with farm animals. To me, that wasn’t funny. Maybe college-aged kids would find it amusing, but I didn’t. The guys decide to go check out some fraternities and head to the one where Carter’s brother is legacy.
The frat guys, led by Teague (Nick Zane), have other plans than just a friendly visit with these pre-Frosh. They’re looking to do some pranks on some not so willing pledges, but have run out of them, as no one seems really that inclined to want to put up with their antics. What they need are some willing, ignorant guys. The high school guys seem to more than fit the bill, although they believe they’re getting room and board through the weekend because of the legacy of Carter’s brother.
The guys are forced to do body shots off the hairiest of the frat guys, including drinking tequila off of some spots on this guy’s body that I didn’t even want to look at, let alone touch anywhere near my mouth. They get all their clothes stolen from them at one point, and are also forced to clean the who frat house after a party, and you can only imagine how disgustingly dirty a frat house is after that. Although the special effects could have been better here, as it looked like chocolate pudding filling the toilet. These aren’t the best conditions for Morris to be under as he heads to such an important interview.
The only positive part of the weekend for these guys is that they each meet a girl, and the three girls are miraculously all friends with each other, and also miraculously have no idea that these boys are just that: high school boys. Not so surprising is the fact that the girl Kevin is deciding is his key to getting over the girl back home is also the ex of Teague, creating more animosity and need on Teague’s part to embarrass the boys, especially Kevin.
Throughout the film, it had a lot of sex jokes, most likely the stuff that teenage boys would find uproariously funny. Let me preface this by saying I’m not a prude and have appreciated teenage sexploitation films in the past…when they’re funny. But these jokes weren’t even funny to me. My notebook that I bring along to jot down good quotes is virtually blank. And to see and hear Chicken Little like this is the most bizarre. Just him dropping the F bomb with that lisp was enough; I really didn’t need to see him in any sexual situations.
What’s more is that College didn’t even seem to have a plot, other than an excuse to air whatever juvenile jokes they could work into the script. It should have been a big tipoff that the release of this film was put off not once, but twice. I don’t think any amount of time could have made it funnier, though. The good news is that Covais showed he actually had some acting chops to go along with his singing voice. Hopefully next time he’ll get a decent plot to work with.
Laura Tucker is a freelance writer providing reviews of movies and television, among other things, at Viewpoints and Reality Shack, and operates a celebrity gossip blog, Troubled Hollywood. She is also an Associate Instructor and 1st dan black belt in tae kwon do with South Elgin Martial Arts.
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