December 16, 2007

Kia Maniacs!

There’s this Kia commercial playing endlessly on every network. Have you seen it? A sweaty, doughy car salesman dances to “Maniac” in the most uncomfortable parody of Flashdance of all time. Let me ask Kia and/or their ad agency something: do you honestly think anyone anywhere on this planet wants to imagine their sweaty, doughy car salesman doing anything close to a semi-erotic Jennifer Beals dance because of his excitement over the newest Kia car? Check it out on YouTube if you’re confused.

As an emissary of the car-buying public, I can tell you the answer: NO. Nothing appeals to me less than having a car company tell me that, what? This is funny? This a mental picture that won’t give me more nightmares than the image of Tim Curry as Pennywise the Clown in 1990’s miniseries epic, It? Even if I had intended to make my next car purchase a Kia (which may have been the case, since I am the cheapest person alive), I will avoid every Kia dealership in the country. In fact, I will plan the most inconvenient routes possible just to avoid coming within a five-mile radius of any Kia dealership, for fear that I may drive by one and bear witness to a cavalcade of salesmen having buckets of water poured on them by glum-looking secretaries.

Change your advertising tack, Kia. Everyone loves those VW ads where bland, inoffensive yuppie couples saying pithy things gets intercut with shiny shots of the car in action.

Aliens in America (The CW) — How is this show on the air? Is the CW really so low-rated that they know nobody will be offended by the rampant, hilarious religious-bashing cluttering this Christmas episode of Aliens in America? It doesn’t matter to me as long as they keep delivering the goods.

In its funniest episode to date, Raja makes casual note that the Tolchucks’ Sunday ritual of going to a big box store is like their version of church, Franny takes offense and decides the family should go to actual church. From this comes 22 minutes of satire of mega-churches (the ironic juxtaposition of the Tolchucks trading a shopping trip for the gift shop/coffee bar/Christian CD store at church), the holiday spirit, birth-control, and the power of prayer.

That’s right, Claire makes a deal with Franny that she can go on the pill as long as she participates in an abstinence class at church; meanwhile, Justin and his friends start fighting via prayer when Justin prays to have sex with a classmate. When Raja sees such a sacred act defiled by Justin’s total lack of religious foundation, he’s horrified; however, Justin’s other friends also decide to use the power of prayer to get women.

And then, the lifeblood of Aliens in America’s enduring quality, the Tolchucks manage to do everything wrong, and yet, in the end, they’re better people for it.

Everybody Hates Chris (The CW) — The subplot that found Julius supporting Kwanzaa because it’s cheaper, and Drew getting way into the “black power” elements of the power, might be the funniest B story the series has ever done. It balanced well with an A story that, while typically entertaining, moved at a slower pace and didn’t have quite as many laughs as a typical Everybody Hates Chris A story. Although, I must admit, this episode (and this A story) contains the show’s funniest exchange to date: “What would you get your mother for Christmas?” “Diamonds and a white man.”

Journeyman (NBC) — Dan saves Christmas with the power of time-travel-based extortion? Are we supposed to be happy about this? From the beginning, Dan’s been portrayed as a reluctant time traveler, more concerned with his present-day family and obligations than with his “calling” in the past. Some may consider this a flaw, but the fact that Dan doesn’t truly want to help—or, at the very least, has slowly learned how rewarding selflessness can be, even when it’s not voluntary—has turned him into the most interesting character of the fall season.

However, turning Dan’s forced selflessness into unchecked selfishness takes things to a new realm. It’d be one thing if the show acknowledged Dan’s morally gray actions, as they have in the past, but here we have a boss who lays off half the paper on Christmas Eve and won’t relent until he’s backed into a corner by Dan. Even with the Scrooge mentality applied to the owner of the Register, it’s impossible to believe something like this could happen at a major metropolitan newspaper. Yes, layoffs are becoming a reality in print journalism, but on Christmas? What a public relations nightmare. I guess the one advantage of owning the newspaper is, you can make damn sure the people left working for you won’t cover the story.

It also strikes me as odd, although in an interesting way, that whatever force has chosen to hurl him through time and space actually threw him a bone and let him change his own reality. Will the show ever address the question of why this happened?

Elsewhere, Jack and Theresa are pregnant. Yeah, that’s a storyline I’m not looking forward to. Also, Katie’s having some unresolved post-traumatic issues regarding last week’s shooting/hostage-holding/other shooting. It might have taken things into an unusual direction, but it sounds like her issues have pretty much resolved themselves this week.

King of the Hill (Fox) — Wow, a rare Minh-focused episode that explores the oft-referenced but rarely seen Arlen Gun Club. One of my favorite running gags on this show are the Souphanousinphones’ desperate attempts to impress Ted Wassanasong and get into Nine Rivers Country Club. This time around, the ladies of Nine Rivers suggest that having a special skill—skeet shooting proficiency, perhaps—it might put them over the top and get them into the club.

It takes an unexpected turn when Minh joins the Arlen Gun Club for practice—and finds herself getting along with the “stupid rednecks” more than she ever thought possible. With unusual self-awareness, Minh notices the artifice of Nine Rivers and embrace the kindness of the guys at the Gun Club. Yet, in the end, while she supports Dale and his gun-loving friends (who break into Nine Rivers to watch her competition), Minh doesn’t turn her back on Nine Rivers.

It’s sometimes a treat to see King of the Hill play on certain sitcom-formula expectations. I really thought it would end with Minh turning her back on Nine Rivers for good, but no—the best they could offer was Minh not having Dale arrested. It’s much more consistent with her character than taking the obvious sitcom route. The mere fact that the “hillbillies” made a dent in her superiority complex is a more believable and subtle change. There are plenty of reasons why I ramble about King of the Hill sometimes having the best writing on network television, period, and keeping its characters consistent—while deriving laughs from who they are instead of twisting their characters to fit the joke—is high up on that list.

Numb3rs (CBS) — Worlds collide when two of television’s great fake sheriffs bust into this week’s episode. First, Enrico Colantoni reminds us that he can really act the shit out of things when given the opportunity (sadly, the third season of Veronica Mars wasted his talents). We also got a nice appearance from Chris Bruno (who played the late, great Sheriff Bannerman on The Dead Zone, killed off at the start of this season because the show has been “retooled”) as a SWAT leader arguing with Charlie about…whatever the fuck Charlie was on about in this episode.

The big surprise—in a good way, for once—is how little math was involved in the episode. Charlie has his esoteric ideas, whines because he’s such a super-genius he can’t communicate it to the puny brains of his gun-toting colleagues, and meanwhile Alimi Ballard is given one of his rare chances to shine. Even rarer, he’s shining in an episode that doesn’t tackle African-American issues. Sharing tense scenes with Enrico Colantoni, holding his own—it proved, once again, that these writers need to bust his role wide open. He often gets the least screen time, dialogue, and character development. How many sterling performances is he going to give before the writers balance that out?

Pushing Daisies (ABC) — This show’s really towing the line, and it almost lost me this week with the overly cutesy handling of Ned dropping the “I killed your Dad” bomb on Chuck. She’s mad, won’t forgive Ned, wants to stay mad, but everything about the story was artificial. Every moment led to the obvious “Oh gee, I can’t stay mad at you moment,” whether it came in this episode, or three from now, or a season from now—we know she’ll forgive him, so why draw it out?

Well, they didn’t quite draw it out, and yet I’m not sure if that was a good thing. Many good things came from this episode, including an appropriately depressing ending for Ned and Chuck and the cliffhanger bombshell that Lily is really Chuck’s mother, but otherwise it felt a little bit mediocre. The quirks are slowly becoming more tedious than amusing, and that makes the routine mystery plots even more humdrum. Cracks in the façade, or just me getting cranky? We’ll see when it returns after the holidays.

Supernatural (The CW) — Wow. I was prepared to hate the flashbacks to a Christmas in Sam and Dean’s past, but they worked well at showing us perhaps the most traumatic moment in Sam’s young life (yes, more traumatic than watching his mother get flame-broiled by the yellow-eyed demon): the Christmas when Dean finally told Sam what his dad does, why they keep moving around, why they only stay in scummy motels…

Meanwhile, in the present, Dean wants to celebrate a good, old-fashioned Christmas, while Sam complains because he doesn’t have a single good memory of Christmas. The end, with Dean letting his guard down long enough to make Sam realize he wants to have a good Christmas because it’ll be his last, reenforced how well-developed these brothers are. I barely cared about the jokey “A story” about an “anti-Santa” demon—the real meat of this story came, as usual, from the brothers being brothers. It also reminded me that many episodes this season have had them more separated than usual. They need to stop doing that.

Next week: Why did Journeyman tank? I have a theory…

D. B. Bates is a film critic and television viewer who has often shouted at fictional characters who probably wouldn’t listen to him even if they could hear him and existed in reality. Interested in explaining to D. B. the many ways he got it wrong? E-mail him.

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