The American Astronaut

| November 4, 2001

Let me say this right off the top: NOTHING in this review is to be misconstrued to be in any, way, shape, or form to be an endorsement of ANY kind. The American Astronaut was the worst movie I have had the misfortune to see this year (though, admittedly, I have not seen Corky Romano). That being off my chest, let’s talk a bit about yet another movie which falls into the category I love to call:–“We see ’em so you don’t have to.”
A couple of months ago I read a summary similar to the following which made me want to see The American Astronaut: “The American Astronaut follows the adventures of an interplanetary trader through his Homeric intergalactic journey to provide the all-female population of Venus with a suitable singular male, all the while being pursued by the cold-blooded and childish killer, Professor Hess, an enigmatic figure from his past.” *
Cool, I thought. A sci-fi flick which should have some bitchin’ effects that should make for an interesting evening. What I got was more along the lines of a complete non-sequiter of a movie where there is a thin attempt at a story line. It takes place in a future time where humans have inhabited other planets but unlike Star Trekian times, mankind hasn’t evolved to make our lives blissful, but degenerated into a dumbed down wild-west on crack which has taken us (the universal mankind “us”) to the outer reaches of the solar system.
Look, folks, I have already spent way too much time writing about this movie. Don’t see it. Don’t rent it. It isn’t even bad enough for me to spend a few paragraphs describing all the things wrong with it. I’m even sorry you have to waste the time to read a review trying to decide if you want to see it or not.
It sucks. To quantify how bad: It’s Blair Witch bad. It’s 2 hours I will never have back again. It’s 3 hours (with travel time) I could have spent watching the fishing channel. Without the smell. People who make a movie this bad shouldn’t be given the opportunity to make another one.

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