Stay Alive

| March 26, 2006

Whenever I hear the words “video-game” and “movie” I usually think of a really bad video-game adaptation by German director Uwe Boll. He has brought us such stinkers as House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark and Bloodrayne. And it seems that he is still on his video-game kick, because he is also going to be directing adaptations of In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, Postal, and Far Cry. So when I heard of this film Stay Alive I figured it could only be Uwe Boll at the helm. I was wrong. It was directed by relatively unknown director, William Brent Bell. Unfortunately, not even Mr. Bell could save this film.
The film starts with a character named Loomis. He is testing an underground game with the same title as the film. He is talking to his friend Hutch (Jon Foster) on the phone letting him know how creepy the game is, and inviting him to play. Hutch of course can’t come, because he is the main character and for the movie to continue he can’t die right? Loomis checks in on two of his roommates, who are having sex, which is the most out of place scene in this whole movie. The guy is on top of this girl with a pig mask on. It made no sense. All I could think of was that the girl really wanted to get “Porked”. Ha ha…ok I’m done. Well one thing leads to another, he gets killed in the game, and then as the trailer says, he dies for real. Now the film starts when Hutch goes to the funeral and is given Loomis’ video games by a family member, which includes Stay Alive. He also meets a photographer named Abigail played by Samaire Armstrong, who is just aimlessly wandering around the funeral taking pictures of sad people. We round this out by meeting other people Hutch plays games with including Swink (Frankie Muniz); October (Sophia Bush) and Phineas played by Jimmi Simpson. I think this guy is like a creepy version of James Spader. And James Spader is pretty creepy already.
The final gamer in the group is Hutch’s boss Miller played by Adam Goldberg. He is the guy you see die in the trailer, don’t worry it’s not a spoiler. I think Adam Goldberg is a great actor. You may recognize him as Pvt. Stanley Mellish from Saving Private Ryan. He was way underused here, and his acting was just terrible. He would go from a New Orleans drawl, to the neurotic New Yorker he is so good at. Poor Adam.
I want to keep you from seeing this film, so let me just say a few more things. This film is PG-13. Any serious horror film should not be released, as anything but a R. I don’t care that PG-13 allows studios to get more ticket sales from the teenyboppers. The Horror genre was made for R or higher. Blood, Guts, Sex, Violence. That’s the whole point. So stop releasing these cheesy, lame ass horror movies, or remakes of horror movies that are PG-13. Go see The Devil’s Rejects or Hills Have Eyes. Those are two current films that take the R seriously. Even though Hills Have Eyes is a remake, it is original on it’s own. And if you really like horror movies, go see some of the classics. As for this one, how about some new titles: Stay Away, Stay Awake…I’ll let you finish the list.

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