| January 29, 2008

Stallone is back, bitches! After successfully resurrecting the Italian Stallion in last year’s Rocky Balboa, he has now done the impossible–he has somehow, at the ripe age of 62, found a way to bring John Rambo into the 21st century. Stallone has stated in interviews that he wanted to do another Rambo because he wasn’t happy with most action films released today. He wanted to make an ’80s action flick for modern day audiences. I’d like to also add that the movie fucking rocked, and it will be tough to beat for best action flick of the year.
The plot is simple (and its also the same plot of every Rambo sequel). Some missionaries need to get into Burma, so they travel to Thailand where they find Rambo living an isolated life as a snake handler. There isn’t a lot of set up, nor is there a lot of talking. This is a good thing. Saves for cheesy dialogue. Occasionally, Rambo will spurt out badass lines like “fuck the world” or “fuck people.” I guess he’s just a little bitter since he’s witnessed nothing but war his entire life, since he first entered Vietnam. It’s painfully obvious he wants to be left alone, but those crafty missionaries send the hot chick of the group to talk some sense into him. Against his better judgment, he takes them into Burma and lets them do their work. Then, a few days later, their church pastor from the States (just go with it) shows up with a team of mercenaries, claiming the group has been captured and that they’re going in. Rambo now has something to do and a reason to kill again. Yay!
This is a balls-to-the-wall action flick with some of the most graphic battle scenes since Saving Private Ryan. Children get shot in the face. Toddlers get tossed into fires. Women get raped. And Rambo kills so many motherfuckers within a 30-minute time span that not even the highest paid mathematicians would be able to keep up with the body count. And most of his victims die in horrific ways. Spilled intestines, ligament detachments, bodies blown in half–exquisite shit. I can’t say enough about how impressed I was with the balls this movie has. Thank you, Mr. Stallone, for having the guts to write and direct such an intense movie and giving your fans exactly what they want in the process.
Even though I described a lot of the movie in detail, I’m sure I didn’t have to. Everyone knows what they’re getting into when they go see a Rambo flick, but at least this one is made for a modern day audience without the cheese. He doesn’t fight in any kickboxing tournaments, he doesn’t break into any anti-war rants and he never, ever takes his shirt off. This is the Rambo action junkies have been waiting for since–well, Rambo III. God bless you, Stallone. I continue to bow before you as Master of all things action. Its been three days since I saw it and I still have a boner.
Grade: A

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