Little Man

| July 18, 2006

200 bazooka joes. 40 blow pops. A small box of Depends. Bob the Builder take-along play box. A Rubbermaid Lobby Broom. A tube of Vagisil. A 1-pound box of framing screws.
And a short rope to hang myself are some of the many pointless items that I would of rather had then spend 10 dollars to see Little Man, the latest atrocity from the stars of the soon to be VH1 Special, Where Are They Now? The Wayans family is cementing its legacy in infamy. In the future, film schools will explain to aspiring kids, that each and every Wayans brother film is an excellent example on exactly how not to make a movie. The Wayans family is also the sole reason for war, violence, and famine all over the world, but that is a different story for a different day.
The story is as stupid and ridiculous as their last debacle (White Chicks) and I still am not sure on what the hell their target audience would be. Anyone with a functioning brain would never want to see this. Marlon Wayans is a three foot tall man who steals a diamond, places it into a strangers purse after the cops give chase, then follows that person home and pretends to be a baby in order to find the diamond. To achieve the effect of the three foot man, Marlon Wayan’s ugly mug is CGI’d onto a midget’s body. If I would have pitched that idea in any film class, I would have failed film school and been poster material for the film department as Columbia’s class douchebag. But yet we get to see it at the movie theater on the big screen because some cracked out movie executive thought it was a good idea. I think if someone shit on 100 pieces of paper, it would look and read better than anything in this film.
The jokes are not funny. The performances are bad, but really what did you expect from a premise where two parents can’t tell that a midget with facial hair is not a fucking baby? The parents are indescribably stupid, how can a baby run or punch a grown man? Oh and a doctor can’t tell that Calvin has all his teeth or looks like a mutant baby? It actually wanted me to fight the person next to me. There is no narrative structure at all, just stupid joke after joke, like another failed episode of Mad TV. They also basically copy off the football scene from Wedding Crashers, a far superior film in every sense of the word. Why in the hell would Tracy Morgan waste his time with shit like this? I guess he wanted more after Are We There Yet? There are so bad it is funny type films (Tokyo Drift), and then there is so bad this movie totally blows why did I waste my time type films(or numerous other Wayans Brother universally hated films). I kept waiting for a funny scene or anything to remotely amuse me, but that never happened.
The CGI of Marlon Wayans’s head is unbelievably creepy, especially since it is draped over a midget body. As a matter of fact, I think I have seen better CGI in porn than in this film. Which is funny considering that being a part of a Wayans film is now the lowest form or art there is, even below snuff films. I was surprised to see a cameo by Molly Shannon, wondering how much of the budget she demanded to take part in this complete waste of time. I wonder if they Wayans all get together, snort a ton of coke, then crap out their mouth the next premise of a film soon to be hated by the rest of the world. They are a cancer in the film industry and should be excreted out of the bowels of Hollywood .
Although Little Man is in some stiff company with Waist Deep and When a Stranger Calls for Worst Film of the year, this may be as bad as it gets. It is a sure candidate for many Razzie nominations. If at gunpoint someone forced me to watch this for a second time, I might just pull a Tyler Durden and have them empty a round into my face.
Grade: 0 stars

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